The content of this article comes from comedian A.J. DeMello and is for entertainment and comedy purposes.
Since it’s the holiday season, I decided to help compose a list of what Raider Nation wants for Christmas…
Starting with myself; All I want for Christmas is for Tom Cable to be punched whenever Derek Carr takes a sack.
I’d also love for the Raiders to stay in the Bay Area however they can before moving to Vegas. Santa, Jesus, Allah…whoever is available – please make this happen.
If Mark Davis could start a blog about hair conditioning, that’d be pretty sweet as well.
Here are some other X-Mas Raider wishes..
“All I want is for X-Mas is for the charges to be dropped.”
“Dear Gruden Santa,
I’ve been a good fan this year, but most importantly I’ve been patient. All I ask for next year is a winning record & 3 elite first rounders. Ho Ho Ho.”
“Dear fat man in sash, please give Libby Schaaf diarrhea for a looong time.”
“Hey Santa, you think you could move the Raiders to Fresno? I’m only an hour away & the “Homeless Raiders” doesn’t have a very nice ring to it. Or at least bring us some franchise stability. I’m tired of my wife waking me up in the middle of the night because I’m sobbing.”
I’d argue that the “Homeless Raiders” would make one hell of a team rap vid like they did in the 80’s with Howie Long.
“All I want for x-mas is some Khalil Mack closure and a draft full of starters. Oh also if I could get a linebacker that would be sweet too, if its in the budget.”
“All I want is for Chucky to discover a trade value chart & for Mark Davis to get his nipples pierced. The city of Oakland wants blood? I say give it to them.”
“All I want for Christmas is 5 healthy linemen, 4 Superbowl rings, 3 100yd rushers, 2 wide receivers and that mvp caliber qb.”
I agree. If a team with 3 wins could somehow win the Super Bowl, it’d be Jon Gruden’s Raiders. Move into the Georgia dome and act like you’re a huge underdog for a game you’re not even a part of.
“All I want for Christmas is the Raiders personnel department to have some teeth. The Raiders are now the Land Of Gru and he’s gonna need some quality minions.”
I hear Scott McCloughan has some mighty chompers…
“All I want for Christmas for someone to hire an exterminator to remove the rodent living on Mark Davis’ head.”
“All I Want for Christmas Is some OG Kush a Sublime cartridge Green Goddess. And to draft Nick Bosa.”
“All I Want for Christmas is for the Raiders to treat Johnny Townsend like the kid from Home Alone and leave him behind when they travel.”
“All I want for Christmas is for the coaches to make Townsend wear water wings after every punt. Every punt is a failure, and so does he. Or ya know what? Have Gruden high-five him on the field after a good punt, then whisper to him that he’s being cut.”
I really really love that one!
“All I want is for the Raiders to get a play-by-play announcer who doesn’t sound like he’s narrating a bowel movement.”
“All I want for christmas is for Derek Carr to throw 12 touchdowns tonight.”
“All I want for X-Mas is for the Raiders to beat the donkeys and for my wife to let me back in the house again.”
I’m praying for you, man titties.
“All I want is for Jon Gruden to make sure he gets at least two play-makers on defense in the first round. And a linebacker before the 12th round would be nice!”
“All I want for Christmas is for Mark Davis to get a silver & Black pez dispenser full of viagra. For Christ sakes, somebody love this man!”
“All I want for Christmas is for the Raiders not to be on the back of my milk carton next year.”
All good asks, but can Gruden and company deliver?
For more of A.J.’s humor follow him on twitter@humorousfiend