Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the quintessential studmuffin, the Q-Tip in your ear canal, the Crown Royal in your Coke, and the world’s freshest man, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today elated, as the Great Beyond not only correctly predicted the Las Vegas Raiders would win over the Jets, but also nailed the Vegas point total of 31 for the game. We won’t discuss how many points the ‘Gang Green’ scored. After all, it was not as many as the Raiders, which is all that matters. Just win, baby!
What does the future hold for these Raiders?
The Jets have long been eliminated from playoff contention. However, this week’s opponents, the Indianapolis Colts, are very much eyeing the playoffs and currently hold the seventh seed, directly ahead of the Raiders. A win would go a long way toward getting them into the postseason. With that in mind, I have once again called upon the Great Beyond. His infinite wisdom will tell us all about what will happen when the Colts visit Las Vegas. Here is the message the Great Old One passed on to me:
“Wow, what a game on Sunday! The Raiders beat the Jets in such legendary fashion that it got Gregg Williams fired. The defensive coordinator is too scummy for the NFL and will hopefully end up where he belongs, hiding under Brett Favre’s bed to scare him on a nightly basis. Williams must have run out of cash to pay for bounties because Derek Carr escaped an all-out blitz with his jersey squeaky clean. The Saints of old would never have let that happen.
That game against the Jets was so stressful, I will have to step away from roasting NFL teams. Oh wait, I’m the Great Beyond, not Andrew Luck. Much like Colts owner Jim Irsay, Luck had no interest in going through rehab again. Colts fans don’t like a quitter and booed Luck mercilessly during his last appearance on their sidelines. But those fans must not realize the team quit an entire city as recently as 1984.
What do the Colts bring to the table?
Luck went to Stanford, and as such was too much of a dork to ever totally give himself to the game of football. He is the kind of guy who reads books about submarines. The kind who pulls his pants all the way down at the urinal. He tells his kids to eat all the food on their plates because children are starving in China. He keeps exhaustive timelines of every Star Wars and argues about Battlestar Galactica on Internet forums. And Andrew Luck made the right choice in retiring. He knows when to pull out, unlike the Colts’ current quarterback.
In the year 2020, the Indianapolis 500 is no longer a car race, just a parade with Phyllis Rivers and all his kids. The quarterback won’t be bringing his brood to Las Vegas on Sunday. On the bright side, he will have his favorite receiver there: Raiders safety Erik Harris. The Colts may be owned by a total loser like Jim Irsay, but the Raiders own Philip Rivers.
The Colts have a long and storied history of sucking, but they do have two Super Bowls to their credit. The first was Super Bowl 5. Then, they bested the Cowboys 16-13 in a game where the two teams combined for 11 turnovers. The second one was over a mediocre Bears team whose best player was the kick returner. Torrential rains fell during the game, and the Colts won 29-17. Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, who grew up in New Orleans and watched his father play for the hometown team, always wanted to throw the game-winning touchdown for the Saints in the Super Bowl. And at Super Bowl 44, he was able to do just that.
Where are they now?
Eventually, Peyton moved on to Denver, where young fans such as all Seahawks fans know him from. Peyton went to Denver to win a Super Bowl, and eventually, Von Miller won one. Peyton had his shot, but disaster struck.
The Colts are now Peyton Manning’s fourth-favorite team, behind the Broncos, Papa John’s, and his fake band with Brad Paisley. The fact that the Colts only won a single Super Bowl with Manning, who may be the best quarterback ever, shows their lack of commitment to winning almost as much as this banner that they hung up at Lucas Oil Field does:
What a sad, pathetic franchise. The best thing they’ve ever done was whine about the deflated footballs Tom Brady used and got him suspended for four games, but the Colts lost that game 45-7. Something tells me the PSI on those footballs was the least of their concerns.
Much like the Raiders, special teams has always been a strength for the Colts. Just a few years back, the Colts’ kicker was Adam Vinatieri, a man so old the only thing he could kick was the bucket, and their punter was Pat McAfee. Pat is now a well-known podcaster and a WWE Superstar, and he is much better at both of those things than he ever was as a punter. What is it about the Colts where you can’t reach your full potential until you’re away from them? I guess we could ask the city of Baltimore. We could also ask John Elway, who went on to have a Hall of Fame career after refusing to play with the Colts.
The game against the Colts will be tough. They have an excellent offensive line and solid weapons to go with a stingy defense. However, if there’s one quarterback the Raider defense knows how to handle, it’s Rivers, so I foresee a good showing from the Raiders on Sunday.
Raiders win, 24-23.
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Top Photo: Michael Conroy/Associated Press