The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain language or imagery unsuitable for the elderly or small children. Read at your own discretion.
What does Thursday Night Football hold for this Raiders team?
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the cinnamon in your egg nog, the Hershey bar in your stocking, the cookies with your milk, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today, fresh off a disheartening loss. The Raiders could have come closer to a playoff berth with a win. However, they decided to get their defensive coordinator fired instead.
This is a short week for the Raiders. They will be without several playmakers out with injury or illness, making this one a real uphill battle. Fortunately, their opponent has trouble winning even in the most favorable circumstances. To suss out what may become of the Raiders in this game, I have once again entreated the Great Beyond to send us a message, that we may know what to expect.
“You’re back! I wasn’t sure if you’d talk to me again after the Colts game, but let’s put that behind us. Who you got this week? The Chargers? Oh, dear, this message has just torn its ACL, but come back next year. By then, everyone will be talking about how good it looks on paper.
The Chargers are just like that one Lord of the Rings’ character, Gollum. They spend a lot of time and energy trying to get the One Ring, but they never do. They have had Dan Fouts, Drew Brees, and Philip Rivers as their quarterbacks through the past few decades, and went to one Super Bowl, with Stan Humphries. There, they faced the 1994 49ers. To paraphrase a popular song, they tried so hard and got so far, and in the end, it didn’t even matter.
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What is the Silver and Black up against?
This team once fired a coach after going 14-2. They are the one team the Cleveland Browns bit from 2016 to 2017. In 2010, the Chargers had the best offense and the best defense in the league. Nevertheless, they missed the playoffs because of their special teams. That lack of basic competence continues to this very day. Have you ever had a dream where you went to work or school naked or in your underwear? Do you remember that helpless feeling of being unprepared? That’s the daily waking reality for Chargers coach Anthony Lynn, a man who treats coaching like the Hessians treated Christmas in 1776.
The fact that the Chargers are even in Los Angeles is embarrassing. Dean Spanos paid over $800 million to move to Los Angeles and share a stadium with the Rams, a move equivalent to paying rent to take the bottom bunk bed below your ex-wife and her new boyfriend.
In case you missed it, the place where the Chargers used to play in San Diego is being torn down, to make room for San Diego State’s Stadium of Happiness Where Nobody Ever Has To Watch The Chargers Again. The venue’s implosion is happening as a tribute to the Chargers’ performance in every game this season.
This hasn’t been a good season for the Chargers but…
Tyrod Taylor was the Chargers’ starting quarterback this year, until about five minutes before the game against the Chiefs. A Chargers team doctor attempted to give Taylor a cortisone shot for his hurt ribs but ended up puncturing Taylor’s lung. This is the worst a doctor has treated anyone since Hannibal Lecter killed a census taker and ate his liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Justin Herbert has taken over and has had a barnburner of a season. He will throw for approximately 783 yards against the Raiders this week, but because he plays for the Chargers he will be relegated to the dustbin of history, as a “what could have been” story.
The Chargers are awful this year, but they really should have been better. They usually play in front of no fans anyway. There is one Charger fan, and his name is Steve, and he cannot afford to live in Los Angeles and also pay for parking at SoFi Stadium. Smart people move away from Los Angeles, not to it, but nobody ever accused the Chargers of being smart. It is hard for Steve to socially distance from himself, but he is happy to wear a mask so nobody knows he is a Charger fan.
As bad as the Chargers are, the Raiders are trying to break in a new defense on a short week without half their starters. This game will probably not go well for Vegas, whose defense is sketchy even when everyone is healthy.
Chargers win, 38-20.
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