Raiders

Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Broncos

The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain coarse or offensive imagery, and is unsuitable for women, children, or those with heart conditions. Read at your own discretion.

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the sugar in your tea, the sour cream on your burrito supreme, and the Realest Man Alive, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today once again dejected by a Raiders loss to the Dolphins, though one that the Great Beyond correctly predicted. The Fitzmagic was simply too strong for the Raiders, and too much for my heart to take. Raiderdamus sat in stunned silence long after the game ended, but I managed to pick up the pieces of my broken psyche and do my job. The very best comedy comes from a place of pain and suffering, and that’s what I will bring to you today.

Fortunately, the Great Beyond remains firmly on board. I once again asked him about this weekend’s game, the final one of the season, and here is the message I received:

“Happy New Year to you and all the readers. It’s best to leave that awful 2020 behind, and look for bigger and better things. I personally have made a resolution to be nicer about the teams I talk about. Who you got this week? The Broncos? What a way to start. Well, here goes.

While Denver has struggled at times this year, we must remember they have an elite, dangerous young player who can score anytime he touches the ball. He elevates his teammates and is sure to be a perennial All-Star. That player is Jamal Murray. If the Broncos had someone like him, they’d be set!

The Broncos have the record for the player who tallied the fastest points ever scored in a Super Bowl. That record belongs to Knowshon Moreno, who recovered a Manny Ramirez snap in his own end zone for a safety only 12 seconds in to Super Bowl 48. That one might last forever!

Peyton Manning spent most of his career with the Colts, but he became a True Bronco when he lost Super Bowl 48, 43-8 to Seattle. He joins the fraternity of Broncos quarterbacks who got blown out in the big game, alongside John Elway and Craig Morton, who lost Super Bowl 12 to the Cowboys 27-10 with a completion percentage of 27% and only one passing first down. Way to not show anyone up, Peyton!

The Broncos paid tribute to one of the NFL’s oldest and most storied franchises, giving the Giants their first Super Bowl win in 1986. The secondary was extremely polite to the Giants receivers, not hampering them in any way as Phil Simms went 22/25 with three passing touchdowns. Such gentlemen the Broncos were that day!

Always ahead of their time, Denver kicked off the trend of NFL teams updating their uniforms, abandoning the awesome orange and blue Denver D helmets with the snorting horse, only to bring in those godawful piece of trash uniforms they wear today. The floating-horse logo is so bad, it makes every other team look great by comparison, even the Rams.

The Broncos sell merchandise including blankets, meaning they have put more disgusting decapitated horse heads in people’s beds than Vito Corleone.

If you’re a tall college-aged young man, chances are some people have asked you, “How’s the weather up there?” or made some joke about your height, asking if you play basketball. It’s bad enough you keep hitting your head on doorframes. But fear not, because if you’re 6’7″ or taller, the chances are good that John Elway is going to draft you in April as the Broncos’ new starting quarterback. Drew Lock is only 6’4″, which to Elway may as well be a dwarf. Lock could lead the Broncos in all-time touchdowns if they counted touchdowns thrown to the other team. Can you throw to your own team, or to the ground? If so, you’ve got a bright future ahead! Tim Tebow won a playoff game for Denver doing those two things. During Tebow’s tenure with Denver, the ground caught 186 passes for 2,694 yards and 37 touchdowns.

This is funny, not because the Broncos won, but because it is one of the most embarrassing days in Steelers history, and we can all get behind that. The Broncos better hope they don’t win a Super Bowl with a young quarterback, because they have a habit of winning the Super Bowl and then having their quarterback retire the next day. Although Elway might risk it to get rid of Drew Lock, who clearly would rather be a rapper than a good player.

Coming into the season, many pundits penciled this one in as a loss, as it was supposed to be a cold weather game and the Broncos were supposed to be kinda good. However, the forecast says 45 degrees and sunny, and the Broncos are not kinda good, they are pretty bad. The Raiders are the better team and should win this one, for all the good that’s done them in the past.

Raiders win, 30-20.”

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