The following is a work of satire and humor about the upcoming Raiders vs. Broncos game. It may contain offensive language or imagery and due to its content it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the grill marks on your steak, the butter on your mashed potatoes and the pale in your ale, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. This has been an eventful week for Raiders fans, as former head coach Jon Gruden was revealed to be everyone’s drunk, bigoted uncle at Thanksgiving. With Gruden, the Raiders were likely committed to another six years of mediocrity. Without Gruden, the sky is the limit for this team, but so is Hell. The Raiders now are like a box of chocolates- don’t get involved if you can’t handle nuts.
The upcoming very important divisional game seems secondary to the overall state of the team, but play it they must. With that in mind, I have once again asked the Great Beyond for his input on the matter, and the message he sent me reads thusly:
“Well well, it appears Jon Gruden’s chickens have come home to roost. And by chickens, I mean stupid opinions and statements sent to Bruce Allen’s work email, along with dirty pictures and who knows what else. I have little doubt that Gruden’s opinions and beliefs in certain matters are shared by many around the league, as Gruden would not have felt comfortable sharing them so openly if that were not the case. Forgiveness is an important thing in life, but this is about sending a message, that you cannot just think and talk like a 80’s movie villain and face no consequences whatsoever.”
A kinder, gentler Great Beyond
In light of these developments, now is hardly the time to be mean-spirited towards the Raiders’ opponent this week, the Denver Broncos. I shall instead point out the many good things they have done, both for the sport of football and for humanity.
The Broncos have won the AFC eight times, but they have only elected to show up for three Super Bowls. This shows Denver’s concern for the environment by saving the fossil fuels it would take to fly to the big game and then take a bus from the team hotel to the stadium.
Denver does not give its fans false hope. When they lose a Super Bowl, they lose in style. Denver’s five Super Bowl losses are by an average score of 44-12. The Broncos, typically done playing in a Super Bowl midway through the second quarter, considerately allow ample time for their fans to drink heavily and process their blowout losses before returning to their mind-numbing jobs the next day.
Think of the Children
The Broncos are the NFL’s most humanitarian team. No other franchise has printed up more “Super Bowl Champions” shirts and hats, only to ship them over to underprivileged children in Africa the next day. The Broncos have clothed more kids than Baby Gap.
The Raiders have long been the NFL’s most progressive franchise when it comes to diversity, but the Broncos have them beat. Both black quarterbacks who have won the Super Bowl did so by beating Denver.
Unlike the Raiders, who have a tendency to start slowly, the Broncos do not waste time. They have the quickest score in Super Bowl history, with a safety on the first play from scrimmage in Super Bowl 48.
A Horse is a Horse
Denver knows that if they want to keep their franchise stable, they have to stick together with the other equine NFL team, the Colts. Denver has long served as a sort of backup plan for any player drafted by the Colts who decides they’ve had enough. First was John Elway, who played for fifteen years for the Broncos and today serves both in their front office as an executive and also on the field as the team mascot.
Elway’s accomplishments as general manager include drafting Von Miller and Paxton Lynch, so you could say his record in the draft is about as up and down as his teeth. Elway also drafted noted Chiefs fan Drew Lock, to ensure that the young man would get to play his favorite team twice a year. What a guy!
Peyton Manning also came to Denver from the Colts. He had two of the best seasons any quarterback has ever played, and did not win the Super Bowl. Then, he had one of the worst seasons ever, and he did win the Super Bowl, because Cam Newton is a gutless coward. Karma is funny like that. Manning, like Elway, rode off into the sunset after winning his final Super Bowl. Should Denver win it all this year, look for their QB to walk away from the sport and start an energy drink brand called Teddy Sportwater.
Charity for the Poor
During their first three games this season, Denver played three teams who clearly are not trying to win this season: the Jaguars, Jets and Giants. Those teams have no further ambition than to better their draft position, and Denver graciously beat them to help their rise up the draft order. In their next two games, the Broncos played teams who were trying to win, and so Denver lost to both Baltimore and Pittsburgh so both could have increased playoff chances.
Whether this generosity will extend to the Raiders remains to be seen. Las Vegas is clearly in a state of flux right now, and seem as likely to crush the Broncos as they are to lose in embarrassing fashion. This week’s events, I think, will be too much to overcome.
Broncos win, 29-19.
*Top Photo: Aaron Ontiveroz/The Denver Post