Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chiefs

The following is a work of satire and humor about the upcoming Kansas City Chiefs vs. Las Vegas Raiders game. It absolutely will contain offensive words and imagery, and as a result it should not be read by anyone.

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the potatoes in your vodka, the avocado on your toast, and the World’s Freshest Man, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. Last week the Great Beyond’s fears came true, as the Raiders did not have their heads in the game and fell victim to an inspired Giants team. I think we can safely call a mulligan on that hole, but now we must worry if that performance was an isolated incident or a portend of things to come, namely the Raiders’ typical midseason collapse.

To that end, I have once again contacted the Great Beyond for his wisdom regarding the Chiefs game on Sunday night, and here is the message I received:

Anyone who ever loved the Chiefs is wrong.

Kansas City is the sort of town that would make a train take a dirt road. It is filled with the kind of mulleted, toothless garbage humans with names like Randy, Craig or Norma that less than two years ago booed racial unity on national television. Football referees are incredibly unpopular in Kansas City, not because they are hard on the Chiefs, but because their shirts have an equal number of black and white stripes on them. Chiefs fans refuse to compromise on this. Even though the Chiefs recently won the Super Bowl, football is a definite third on the list of favorite public activities in Missouri, behind cooking methamphetamine and committing welfare fraud.

Catch-Up to the Chiefs

The Chiefs wear ketchup-colored jerseys, which is ironic since their team is more like the tomato-tinted water that comes out of the ketchup bottle before the ketchup does. Coach Andy Reid must be aware that the team’s run defense is awful, but he won’t change a thing since he is a big fan of ends getting burnt. Reid once got bitten on the neck by a vampire, but instead of blood the vampire got diabetes. Tyreek Hill would have been cut from any sensible team long ago, but Andy Reid keeps him around because Hill is the only player on the team who is a worse father than Reid is.

Kansas City’s offensive strategy appears to be, “have players who are fast and tell them to go deep”. Congratulations, Chiefs, it took you 50 years to copy Al Davis’ strategy for the 1970s Raiders. What absolute trailblazers you are. Don’t tear a labrum patting yourselves on the back for having evolved past Marty Schottenheimer.

KC has been able to be so forward-thinking in their offensive strategy because of quarterback Patrick Mahomes, who is finally becoming the Brett Favre we all knew he could be. When you look up ‘regression to the mean’ in the dictionary, there is a picture of Mahomes, with his ridiculous Janelle Monae haircut walking around like he has a Buick Skylark shoved up his fundament.

Family Splatters

Mahomes is actually a cool dude, but his reputation is dragged by his family members and the class-free team he plays for. Mahomes’ girlfriend is the sort of lady who, without Mahomes’ fame, would go on her weekly Instagram tirades to a mere 20 followers, and has all the natural talent to appear in the credits as “Angry Ex-Girlfriend” in a direct-to-video American Pie sequel. I shudder to think what will happen when a child is born with her temperament and his Kermit the Frog voice. It will be the Annoying Orange in human form.

The quarterback’s brother might be even worse. Jackson Mahomes was recently thrust into the spotlight for doing some kind of Elaine-from-Seinfeld “dancing” on TikTok on Sean Taylor’s number along the Washington sidelines during a game in which the Football Team was half-assedly trying to honor the late safety. Later this season in Baltimore, he threw water on a heckling fan. Jackson Mahomes is exactly the kind of self absorbed ultra-douche for whom TikTok was invented, and as soon as TikTok goes the way of Myspace and Vine, he will disappear back to the obscurity from which he came and we will never be subjected to his embarrassing idiocy again.

The Chiefs are the epitome of new-money jackassery. They want their fans to be as loud as the Seahawk fans- they are not. They want their team to be as successful as the Patriots- they are not. Kansas City wants their city to be known for more than barbecue, but it is inferior to Texas barbecue, and a Super Bowl win or two cannot cure obesity. Your typical Chiefs fan’s blood type is A1. Kansas City combines all the charm of Nebraska with the social graces of Arkansas and the cultural sensitivity of European soccer. Despite their recent run of success, they still have fewer division titles than the Chargers.

Playing Favorites

Equally as irritating as KC fans is the love-fest over the Chiefs given by the media. If the television networks slobbered and gushed over Mahomes and the Chiefs any more, their games would have to be on Cinemax at 2 in the morning. When KC finishes this season with the 32nd ranked defense and a record of 8-9, perhaps the boomer lackwits at CBS and NBC who still think Neil Smith and Tony Gonzalez play for Kansas City will get the memo that the Chiefs’ time has come and gone.

The notoriously disloyal Chiefs released longtime star safety Eric Berry two years ago after he heroically beat cancer. He was able to do this because cancer does not play for Tampa Bay. The Chiefs did much the same with Gonzalez, who had a career resurgence with the Falcons, and Alex Smith, whose grisly injury reminds us all what watching a Washington Football Team game is like. One day soon, Travis Kelce will be on the Jets and Tyreek Hill will be in the CFL and the Chiefs will be paying Mahomes $4 billion per season with eight functional members of the defense and we’ll all wonder what happened, as Andy Reid looks at the scoreboard that reads: RAIDERS 30 CHIEFS 0 0:00 as time runs out and that will be the only time in his life where he won’t have room for seconds.

Raiders win, 26-19.

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*Top Photo: Ethan Miller/Getty Images

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