The following is a work of satire and humor about the upcoming Raiders vs. Cowboys game. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and as a result, should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the stuffing in your turkey, the sparkle in your cider, and the butter in your mashed potatoes, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. Raider Nation does not have a whole lot to be thankful for this November with the Silver and Black on a losing skid, but every week is an opportunity for the Raiders to either win or get a better draft pick to waste, so let’s have a spirit of gratitude that we’ll get to watch three Thursday games this week, and none of them are Jaguars vs. Titans.
The Great Beyond
This week’s game presents a golden opportunity for the Raiders to get their season back on track. The Great Beyond correctly predicted a Raider loss last week, but what will he have to say about this Thanksgiving Day game?
“The single star on the Cowboys helmet has nothing to do with Texas- it is just their Yelp rating.
America has just been through two years of the most depressing, contentious, miserable experience imaginable. It has destroyed people’s personal finances as well as their mental health, and there is little hope in the future for anything to get better. After the last few years, it’s easy to see why the Cowboys are “America’s Team.”
Much like America itself, the Cowboys have spent the last 25 years crowing about how great they are without much in the way of actual success to speak of. The Cowboys just seem to spend a lot of money while falling further and further behind their rivals. Any Cowboy fan with a shred of optimism remaining simply doesn’t remember the 1990s, just like Troy Aikman.
Typically, when you see a franchise this inept, they have a terrible owner. With the Cowboys, this is not the case, as Jerry Jones is one of the best owners in all of sports. Bad owners are ones who refuse to spend money on their team, or strong-arm municipalities into building a stadium for them. Jerry Jones puts his money where his mouth is; his major fault is loyalty. He stuck with Jason Garrett longer than a bedbug sticks with a Super 8 Motel. At the end, Garrett’s Cowboys were just like the end of the Golden Age of Piracy; lots of guys getting the clap while suffering another embarrassing defeat.
From Garrett To McCarthy
Following the Garrett Era, Jones hired Mike McCarthy to helm the Cowboys. I guess Jones wanted a coach who had experience winning playoff games in Texas. The Cowboys are by far the most valuable team in American pro sports and have the widest fanbase. To most Cowboys fans, Dallas is a place they’ve never been to and will never visit because the Cowboys don’t play there and they’re too poor to travel from Nebraska. The Cowboys’ enormous fanbase is puzzling, because usually people bandwagon a team that wins a lot.
Cowboys fans shouldn’t be upset even if this season doesn’t go their way. After all, Alabama just won a national title, the Yankees made the playoffs, and the Lakers did too. Also, the Patriots look like a strong contender in the AFC. Cowboys fans can just pick out another hat to go to their parole hearing in.
One of the great sports revelations of the last decade is how much of a football genius Tony Romo is. Romo was criminally underappreciated by Cowboys fans. He is the greatest fourth-quarter quarterback of all time, with a passer rating of 100.0 in the final quarter of games. One day, Romo’s time with the Cowboys will be forgotten and he will be known as the greatest sports broadcaster of this generation. Luckily, CBS did what the Cowboys could never do, and that was get Tony Romo to the Super Bowl.
The Chargers Of The NFC West
The fact that the Cowboys play in the NFC East is just one of the many inauthentic things about them. When one considers their recent history, the ‘Boys are just the Chargers with a star on their helmet instead of a lightning bolt, except the media won’t shut up about them. Dak Prescott’s monotone voice and vacant gaze pairs well with Amari Cooper’s lack of love for football and AT&T Stadium’s corporate and sterilized atmosphere. All of this is designed to excite children who don’t know any better, just like Call of Duty or Santa Claus. Jerry Jones is from Arkansas, and you can tell, because the Cowboys are the Wal-Mart of football.
So on Thanksgiving Day while the Cowboys fans descend upon Arlington in their jacked up Silverados with their “I Don’t Dial 911, I Dial .357” and “My Kid Kicked Your Honor Student’s Ass” bumper stickers with their single-star Grand Theft Auto wanted rating proudly displayed on their rear windows, despite what they may believe about the country they live in, know that deep down in their heart of hearts, they all know for certain that the Cowboys will never, ever be great again.
Raiders win, 28-26.
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*Top Photo: The UnTicket