The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders and the NFL offseason. It may contain offensive language or imagery and as a result, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man who is too hot to handle and too cold to hold, the Final Boss of the Internet, and the World’s Freshest Man, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. It’s been a long, boring offseason without Raiderdamus, but I’m here to put some air in the balloon wiener dog of your soul.
It’s been a great offseason for the Raiders without question, but what about the rest of the NFL? Well, Raiderdamus decided to consult the opinion of the reigning Player Hater of the Year and the being who loves roasting more than Mr. Peanut, the Great Beyond himself. Here is what he had to say about the NFL offseason:
“They say there’s no real offseason in the NFL, and that’s pretty much the case, as the NCAA couldn’t even have 20 minutes to bask in the glory of rat-person Coach K being gone from basketball and television forever without Tom Brady announcing he was going to come back for another season. The NFL is king, and it will always be king. Accept no substitutes.“
I’m going to take this one division at a time and open up a can of grade-A whoop ass on each and every team in the league. Will I spare the Las Vegas Raiders? Hell no! Buckle up Raiders fans.
NFC EAST
Let’s start with the Cowboys! This offseason has been more tolerable than the last one because the question of whether Dak Prescott was getting paid is no longer on the table. Prescott got his money, and Cowboys fans were rewarded by watching their team lose to the Niners in the playoffs on Nickelodeon. That channel used to be the home of traditional American experiences like Salute Your Shorts, Doug, Hey Arnold and Rugrats. Now it’s the home of traditional American experiences like watching the Cowboys choke in the playoffs. Dallas lost that game because a referee couldn’t spot the ball fast enough. The last time someone spotted a ball that late, Marsha Brady broke her nose. You may not know this, but Jerry Jones was involved in a car crash in the Dallas area not too long ago.
Jones has for a long time tried to be synonymous with the Cowboys, and now he really is, because the ‘Boys have been a car wreck for years. Dallas’ draft was fantastic as usual, addressing their needs along the line. The Cowboys typically draft well, but hire the most inept coaches they can find. They take the America’s Team nickname to heart, as they are a terrific and diverse group of people with the most dogshit leadership imaginable. Unlike the American people at large, Cowboys fans deserve this. But Dallas fans shouldn’t be too upset, because the Yankees are in first place and Alabama has some great recruits coming to Tuscaloosa next season. The Cowboys open their season on the road at Tampa Bay, a game everyone will read far too much into.
The Eagles had a relatively quiet offseason until the draft itself, the only time in history anyone from Philadelphia has been quiet. Philly traded for former Titans receiver AJ Brown on draft night, which will give a real boost to their pass offense, easily their biggest weakness. Brown had grown disillusioned with his former team, and no one has been that disgusted with Nashville since the time I traveled through Montana and discovered there were no rock and roll radio stations but about sixteen country stations. An ancient spirit such as myself can only take so much Florida Georgia Line. The Eagles were able to draft star Georgia linebacker Nakobe Dean in the third round, a heist on a level not seen since Carmen Sandiego stole the Gobi Desert. The Eagles have an incredibly easy schedule, and their toughest test might be visiting the Colts on Nov. 20.
The New York Football Giants continue to be the most boring team in existence, making a series of smart free-agent signings to shore up their offensive line and declining Daniel Jones’ fifth year option. They also signed Jihad Ward, which makes me think they are not so smart after all. He’s the type of jihad that requires you to put a bomb in your shoe and ruin air travel forever. The only thing the Giants did that wasn’t boring was when they told Bill Belichick they were hiring Brian Daboll as their head coach, and he congratulated Brian Flores instead via text message. Flores sued the league over this, and I hope he gets a bazillion dollars and is made King of Football for life. Just ask the Jets what happens when Belichick gets ahold of information he isn’t supposed to have. New York may start the season slowly, as four of their first six games are against the Titans, Packers, Cowboys and Ravens.
The Commanders had one of the most embarrassing offseason’s of any team. After two seasons of holding the misleading moniker of “Football Team”, they unveiled their new name by accidentally leaking it via an open window into their team merchandise shop. The Commander’s name is both incredibly stupid and wrong, as this team hasn’t commanded anything since they commanded their cheerleaders to give up their passports and do escort work for team sponsors in Costa Rica in 2011. Fans immediately started calling them the Commies, which is a hilarious nickname for a team in the city where Joseph McCarthy and J. Edgar Hoover once worked. The team traded for Carson Wentz, because that worked out so well for the Colts. After this season, we’ll be saying the Commanders Wentz from third place to last place in the division. Washington curiously has two straight games against the Giants in December, before and after their bye week.
NFC NORTH
The Packers had one of the most disastrous offseasons I’ve ever seen. They signed zero free agents of note, gave A. A. Ron Rodgers $50M to lose to the Niners in the playoffs next December, and traded the best wide receiver on Earth to the Raiders for three magic beans. Packers GM Brian Gutekunst finally got off bigwisconsinwomen.com long enough to run the Packers draft room, where they picked up some really solid Georgia Bulldog defenders and three wide receivers. Christian Watson can be really good if he learns how to catch, but the only Doubs that Romeo will be seeing will be meaningless regular season games against the Bears. One of tbose games will be Week 2 on Sunday Night Football, because America absolutely has to see the Packers wax Chicago by 40 points at home.
The Bears have decided that the best way to protect young QB Justin Fields is to draft seventeen safeties and sixty-two corners. The less the opposing team is able to pass, the more times Fields can get the ball and be sacked repeatedly. Of course, the Bears traded away Khalil Mack, giving themselves an even bigger gun to shoot themselves in the foot with. Chicago didn’t get too much worse, because they were already f****** terrible, but they didn’t get better in any measurable way. The one silver lining here is that this sort of offseason was necessary after the cap hell the Mack move put them in to begin with. One day, soon, the Bears can try again, and get to 7-10 where their fans expect them to be. Chicago has the misfortune to start the season against San Francisco and the Packers, but they might right the ship against Houston and the Giants.
Minnesota made a splash in free agency by signing pass rusher Za’Darius Smith away from Green Bay, but did very little else in free agency of note. They remain tied to Kirk Cousins, who is about as average a QB as you could design. Cousins is to football what France is to war- they used to be really strong, but for a long time now they’ve gotten run over by a juggernaut to their east. Minnesota wanted no part of the 2022 Draft, and traded down every chance they got, a wise plan in a draft as lackluster as this one. The Vikings, like everyone else who lives in Minnesota, have settled for whatever scraps of mediocrity they can get, and will not be going anywhere or doing anything important anytime soon. Minnesota doesn’t play an AFC team until October 16, when they visit Miami.
The Lions had the best offseason of any team. They added DJ Chark and Jameson Williams to a WR corps that already had rising star Amon-Ra St. Brown and added DE Aidan Hutchinson to the defensive line. Unfortunately, the Lions’ QB is still Jared Goff, which means the best Detroit can hope for is six wins and a berth in the Alamo Bowl. Laugh while you can; within five years, the Lions will be the best team in this division. The Lions draw a tough test for their annual Thanksgiving Day game as they host the Bills.
NFC SOUTH
The Carolina Panthers drafted OT Ikem Ekwonu in the first round, giving them a better chance of keeping Sam Darnold on his feet so he can throw the ball to the other team. Darnold hasn’t had a good game since the USC Trojans beat Colorado in 2017, so I’m not sure why Carolina thought trading for him was a good idea. Luckily, they have corrected this course by drafting Matt Corral, who was taught to throw the ball to the other team by Lane Kiffin himself so it will look prettier when he does it. Carolina also drafted Amare Barno, a solid pass rusher from Virginia Tech who will be sure to make several highlight reel plays as the Bucs beat Carolina by 32 points in October. Carolina has a tough slate in October, facing the Niners, Rams and Bucs in succession.
Atlanta has not been in this decrepit a state since General William Tecumseh Sherman visited the city in November 1864 and burned it to the ground. Atlanta by all rights should no longer exist, but here we are. Atlanta’s first draft pick was spent on Drake London, named for a rapper who also should not exist. Atlanta made overtures in the offseason to Deshaun Watson, which pissed off longtime quarterback Matt Ryan. Falcons owner Arthur Blank, who founded Home Depot, should know as well as anyone how to fix things, but he found their relationship with Ryan irreparable and traded him to Indianapolis, where a man as bland and white bread as Matt Ryan will fit in perfectly.
Star wide receiver Calvin Ridley was suspended for a year for gambling on football on his phone while rehabbing from injury. Surely, we cannot have any players using the gambling sites the NFL has partnered with and made so much money from. That would affect the integrity of the sport! Perhaps Ridley, like fellow degenerate gambler Pete Rose, can go to WrestleMania and get Tombstone Piledriven by Kane. Atlanta replaced Ryan with Marcus Mariota. That’s quite fitting, as Atlanta quarterbacks have been throwing wounded Ducks for decades now. Atlanta’s schedule is brutal and it’s tough to see where their first win comes from. Perhaps Seattle in Week 3 or Carolina at home on October 30?
Do we still have to pretend like the Saints are good? They don’t have Sean Payton or Drew Brees, they literally hired Dennis Allen to be their coach, and Jameis Winston is their quarterback. Trevor Penning and Chris Olave were solid first round picks, and the defense is flooded with talent, but there was a certain magic that Payton brought to this team that cannot be replicated. Sooner or later, the levee will break and the Saints will suck once again. My bet is on sooner. New Orleans opens their season on the road against their rivals, the Falcons, and must navigate matchups with the AFC North.
We almost got rid of Tom Brady. We were so happy! And then he got home and had to spend time with his wife and kids and realized he’d rather be crushed by Aaron Donald’s taint than be at home with his rich, spoiled family. The Bucs are basically the same team as last year, the one that wasn’t good enough to win the NFC, and they won’t be this year either. Maybe this is the year we finally send Brady to the afterlife where he can do commentary and pretend the Cowboys are good like everyone else on TV. If he goes from city to city calling games, he won’t have to go home to his kids! Tampa’s first two games are on the road against the Cowboys and Saints, but then get two home games against the Packers and Chiefs. Best of luck there, Tom.
NFC WEST
The Cardinals also had a pretty awful offseason. Star wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins was popped for PEDs and will miss the first part of the season. Former first overall pick Throwy Smurf got into a feud with the team over his contract and his status as the Cardinals quarterback is questionable. Seeing as the team got blown out in the playoffs even with him, one wonders if Arizona is better off moving on. Arizona’s draft was bizarre to say the least, as they traded for Hollywood Brown from the Ravens and took a tight end in Round 2 when they already have two really good ones on the roster. Phoenix itself is a monument to man’s arrogance, and their football team is a monument to how much a front office can f*** up and not get fired. Arizona’s first three weeks are death, as they travel to Kansas City and Las Vegas and then host the Rams. Ouch.
Seattle’s offseason has been fascinating. The last time I can remember a quarterback of Russell Wilson’s caliber being traded was when the Niners sent Joe Montana to the Chiefs, except instead of Steve Young the Seahawks have Drew Lock. Steve Young is in the Hall of Fame, while Drew Lock will be in the Hall of White People Who Tried Embarrassingly to Rap on Television.
Pete Carroll is calling the shots here, and much like the U.S. Congress he will be long gone when the chickens come home to roost for the decisions he made this year and the last few years, running this team into the ground. In 2025, when their fans go off to college, they will have traded in their Seahawks gear for Cowboys gear so they can continue to be as insufferable as they are now. Interest in the Seahawks will be at an all-time low in October when the Mariners get swept in the first round of the playoffs by the Yankees. Seattle opens the season by hosting Denver and Russell Wilson on Monday Night Football, a great chance to show the league how awful they are now.
San Francisco is a strong team on paper but in reality are incredibly dysfunctional. They continue to pay $16M to Jimmy Garoppolo, and they clearly don’t trust Trey Lance enough to give him the reins despite Jimmy G having arm strength on par with Chuck Knoblauch and all the accuracy of Sean Connery on Celebrity Jeopardy. I’ll take anal bum cover for $400, Alex. The Niners fans will wring their hands and whine until they beat the Packers in the playoffs again and then do it all over when they lose the following week. The Niners visit the Raiders on New Year’s Day. God help us all.
The Rams won the Super Bowl and nobody cared except Lions fans who were happy for their boy Matt Stafford. The Rams don’t need to exist, they are little more than the Chargers’ landlord and are owned by Stan Kroenke, a man who needs another sports team like Kanye West needs another ego boost. Real fans in Los Angeles love the Raiders, and need to leave that awful city. Hopefully it and the Rams will be swallowed into the ocean like in that one Tool song. Los Angeles will open the regular season on Thursday Night against the Bills as they raise their Super Bowl banner and then raise the white flag in the third quarter, down by 26.
AFC EAST
As if the city where Scarface took place wasn’t a dangerous enough place for children, the Dolphins traded for Tyreek Hill so he could have Tua Tagovailoa underthrow him nine times per game. Miami’s Make-A-Wish program will no longer make wishes, but instead threats, as any child who is weak and does not beat cancer will be adopted by Tyreek Hill. The Dolphins have a good defense, a spectacular receiving corps, and a quarterback whose accuracy makes Tim Tebow look like Greg Maddux. Miami opens up at home against the Patriots, in a place where the Pats never win, and the Phins look to keep it that way.
The Bills have an amazing team and I have nothing bad to say about them except they didn’t beat the Chiefs when it counted. In true mensch fashion, they refuse to build a dome for any fan stupid enough to actually live near Lake Erie, and I respect them for that. Their charitable, yet annoying fanbase thinks they are the Dudley Boyz, and put themselves and each other through tables at every drunken opportunity. They think this makes them tough and lovable, they think they are D-Von when they are actually Spike. The truth is, we tolerate Bills fans because they are not Patriots fans. The Bills will get a huge test on October 3 at Baltimore.
The Jets had possibly the best draft of any team this year. They got Sauce Gardner, Garrett Wilson, and Jermaine Johnson without sacrificing much of anything to do so. I am used to the Jets doing insanely stupid things, who are these people? If Zach Wilson isn’t complete trash, they could be good soon. The Jets have an absurdly hard schedule for some reason and may not win until Week 8 when they host New England.
Bill Belichick has finally lost his mind. He let his dog draft for him last year, and probably this year too, as he took a third-round lineman from Chattanooga in the first. I’m not saying Cole Strange will be a bust or anything, but I’m saying if you asked Belichick his thinking behind the pick he’d go on for 45 minutes about Lou Saban and some special teams play from 1954 that nobody remembers. Belichick did little to address the Patriots’ biggest needs, receiver and linebacker. Pats fans, I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and only you. Go throw yourselves in a harbor. Week 2 at Pittsburgh will be a battle of two one-legged men in an ass-kicking contest.
AFC NORTH
The Bengals signed three top linemen in free agency. Why? They made the Super Bowl last season despite not having an offensive line at all. Better to spend that cash on another receiver from the SEC. They also re-signed Eli Apple, which is one of the dumbest things I can imagine a football team doing. They addressed mostly defense in the draft, making it easier for them to embarrass Pat Mahomes on national television again, so good for them. Cincy’s schedule doesn’t look too bad, but they face the Titans and Chiefs back to back in Weeks 12 and 13.
The Steelers lost Juju Smith-Schuster to the Chiefs and may have regained some dignity in the process, as he consistently embarrassed their team on Instagram and went to the other team that does that on the regular. They were the only team to draft a quarterback in the first two rounds, which is hilarious. If Kenny Pickett tries that dumbass fake slide in the NFL, some Ravens safety is literally going to murder him. I will happily watch the descent of the Steelers into the same irrelevance their inbred Yinzer fans experience on a daily basis. The Steelers will celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Immaculate Deception when they play the Raiders in Week 16 in prime time.
Baltimore, as they always do, killed the draft, just like Ray Lewis killed a guy that one time. They picked up the best safety, the best center, and a stash linebacker who could be a Pro Bowler in three years. They will still choke in the playoffs, so the only reason to watch them is to see the Steelers lose twice. The Ravens are the Maginot Line of football- big, imposing and ultimately meaningless. Curiously, the Ravens open up with four straight games against AFC East teams. We will learn nothing from this.
The Browns were cool for a while there, you know? They had an exciting young quarterback and an up and coming team. They beat the Jets and won their fans free beers, their first win in two years. But we all know nobody in Ohio can have good things, and so the Browns ruined everything and flushed all their goodwill down the toilet by turning their backs on Baker Mayfield and signing Deshaun Watson. The new Browns signal caller has as positive a relationship with women as Ted Bundy. Nobody has made this much money in spite of reprehensible behavior since Bhad Bhabie made a million dollars on her OnlyFans on her first day; no one has been rewarded like this for being an awful person since Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973 after having actively tried to blow up the world for 20 years. Watson is a low point in the history of the lowest franchise in football. I’d tell the Browns to go to Hell, but they’re already in Ohio. The Browns will go 0-17 because karma exists.
AFC SOUTH
The Jaguars are responsible for the insane wide receiver market this offseason because they inexplicably gave Christian Kirk $72 million. Why did the Packers trade Davante Adams? Christian Kirk. Why did the Chiefs trade Tyreek Hill? Christian Kirk. And he will catch 40 passes this year for 569 yards while Trevor Lawrence runs for his life. The Jags could have drafted a franchise left tackle with the first pick this year, but instead took Aundray Bruce Trevon Walker. The Khan family should stick to what they are good at, which is running a pro wrestling company. Jacksonville hosts Indy in Week 2, a guaranteed win for them.
The Colts traded for Matt Ryan and traded Rock Ya-Sin for Yannick Ngakoue. They duped the Commies into taking Carson Wentz, so this offseason should be considered a success. Let’s see if Gus Bradley’s defense can lead Indy to anything more than first-round playoff exit. Probably not. Weeks 3 through 5 for Indy: Chiefs, Titans, at Broncos. Woof.
Tennessee sent their best receiver to Philly and drafted Malik Willis as the heir apparent to never-was Ryan Tannehill. The team’s success hinges on their defense and running game, so if Derrick Henry is healthy they will win the division by four games and if he’s not they will only win it by two games. This fall, for a fulfilling football experience in Nashville, go catch a Vanderbilt game. It just means more. The Flaming Thumbtacks have a horrific away game schedule, as they play Buffalo, KC, the Chargers and the Packers on the road.
The Texans might be the worst team in football and the worst-run team in all of professional sports, but at least I will say they didn’t bring Deshaun Watson back after he treated his massage therapists like Grave Digger treats a line of Oldsmobile Cutlasses. They are better off with Davis Mills, a man so dull he got friend zoned by an escort. Next year, they will probably have the top pick and can start over with another QB, hopefully one with better manners and respect for others. Houston’s best shot for an early win is Week 3 against the Bears, a battle of two no-legged men in an ass-kicking contest.
AFC WEST
Finally we come to the star of the show, the best division in the history of professional sports. The Broncos were the first team to make a huge splash this offseason, trading half their team for Russell Wilson. If you watched any Seahawks games last year, you will realize that this will not help, as Wilson was awful even with great receivers. Denver may be sold to a new owner soon, which likely means John Elway will be out of a job and have to drink at home by himself instead of right before meetings with potential coaches or in a luxury suite or in the airport or in Applebee’s or next to the dumpster in the alley behind the liquor store or on the ranch where he shares a stable with his best friend, Carl the Goat, who calms him when he is agitated. Denver’s back end of the schedule is obscene: Ravens, Chiefs, Cardinals, Rams, Chiefs, Chargers to end the season. They could legit go 1-5 there and nobody would be shocked.
In a move that is sure to make Steve the Charger Fan happy, the Chargers traded for Khalil Mack. This will give them an even bigger payroll to justify when they miss the playoffs again this year. The Chargers are like the final season of Game of Thrones, lots of people watch them but nobody loves them, they have so much promise but ultimately are a massive disappointment. Weeks 9 through 12 will make or break this team- at SF, Chiefs, at Cardinals, at Raiders.
The Chiefs are the only team in the AFC West that did not get better. They had a terrific draft, but Tyreek Hill was the catalyst that made their offense work and he’s off terrorizing children in Miami. They have Juju and Marquez Valdes-Scantling, which will be like when Queen Elizabeth II is replaced by Prince Charles. Things may go on, but all the charm is gone, replaced by unlikeable wannabes. Patrick Mahomes will still be great until he has to play a second half against the Bengals, but the Chiefs have taken a step down. They’ll probably only win 13 games now. Weeks 2 through 7 are tough; Chargers, at Colts, at Tampa, Raiders, Bills, at Niners, Titans. Good thing they don’t have to play the Chiefs!
And what about the Raiders?
There’s a saying with the Raiders, “There are 31 teams in the NFL and then there are the Raiders”, and this is true, because there’s no team as easy to make fun of as they are. If you’re going to have a saying like that, you have to make sure you’re better than everyone else. For the last two decades, the only team worse than the Raiders has been the Lions. The Raiders signed the coach who left the Colts at the altar and a GM from the team which was carried by Tom Brady for 20 years. Neither of these men have proven jack s*** and last I checked; Brady is in Tampa. Raiders fans love to act like the refs are against them and everyone hates them, and it’s all true, because Raider fans are often obnoxious and toxic, glorifying a hardscrabble life and a hostile outlook as if it were classy.
But I say the greatness of the Raiders is now, and we are witnessing it.
The Raiders of the 70’s played hard and never gave up, but they were cheap shot artists of the highest caliber and are lionized by the fanbase for it. Ask Darryl Stingley if you don’t believe me. Ask Lynn Swann or ask anyone who tried to block Lyle Alzado. Those were the days before anyone cared about safety, and those were the days that gave the great Ken Stabler CTE and took him from us before he could walk himself into the Hall of Fame. Those days are thankfully behind us, and the new Raiders play in a beautiful expensive stadium with toilets that work, and they don’t share it with a baseball team. These new Raiders are going to kick ass their way, the right way, and anyone who doubts them is going to have their faces shoved in the mud of their crappy outdoor stadiums. They’re going to score a billion points and win every game 45-20. Al Davis used to say the greatness of the Raiders is in its future. But I say the greatness of the Raiders is now, and we are witnessing it. The Raiders will not have consecutive home games until Weeks 17 and 18 against the Niners and Chiefs.
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*Top Photo: Heidi Fang/Las Vegas Review-Journal