Raiderdamus

Raiderdamus’ Saturday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chiefs

The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and as a result it should not be read by anyone.

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the Ayatollah of Rock ‘n’ Rolla, the cure for the common joke, and the World’s Greatest Football-Related Humorist, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today elated that the Raiders defeated Denver in a manner that didn’t get Nathaniel Hackett fired so he can continue to ruin the Broncos for the rest of the year.

The Raiders move on to another divisional rival on Monday night, and this one’s the cream of the crop. As is my custom, I contacted the Great Beyond for his opinion regarding Monday’s game against Kansas City.

“The last time anyone treated a bronco that badly, the Santa Anita racetrack got shut down. So, who you got this week? That’s great, but who are the Chefs?

Raiders vs. Chiefs: A Special Saturday Edition of Raiderdamus

The Chiefs’ stadium is called GEHA Field at Arrowhead, which is possibly the third stupidest name of a stadium ever, right next to Smoothie King Center where the New Orleans Pelicans play and Empower Field at Mile High. The only people being empowered around here are those of us who knew Russell Wilson was washed up. Wilson sure plays like he’s a mile high, in any case.

GEHA got the naming rights for Arrowhead in May of 2021 and has been a Chiefs team sponsor since 2019, which means GEHA has supported the Chiefs far longer than most Chiefs fans have. GEHA is the Government Employees Health Association, a health insurance company that tries to keep people healthy. The Chiefs do the opposite, as they endanger the lives of small children, their own players, and anyone who happens to be standing on the side of the road when their assistant coaches get off work.

There are bits of cornbread stuck in Andy Reid’s fat rolls that have been Chiefs fans longer than some of these goofs who started liking the Chiefs based on YouTube videos of Pat Mahomes running around like an antelope trying to escape a cheetah only to do some insane 360 no-scope perfect pass that he couldn’t have made better if he were standing still. Much like actual Native American chiefs, these Chiefs were able to feast because the Bears didn’t know what they were doing.

The Chiefs passed on Dan Marino…

Newcomer fans like that don’t remember when the Chiefs had no choice but to draft Eric Fisher because they were garbage during the wrong draft class. They don’t remember passing on Dan Marino for Todd Blackledge nor do they remember giving up a massive second half lead to Andrew Luck in the playoffs, or trading for Alex Smith because he had the baseline level of competence needed to win a game in the NFL. They don’t remember Tyler Palko, Tyler Thigpen, Brodie Croyle, Elvis Grbac, Steve Bono, and every other former Chiefs QB who had less athleticism than a Chad Pennington Fathead.

When the Chiefs start losing again, and they will, these fans will abandon them and find cheaper forms of entertainment. Tickets for Chiefs vs. Raiders start at around $200, and the game takes three hours, but for a KC fan, porking his sister takes a minute and a half and it’s free.

But Raider Nation remembers, and I remember. All these Johnny-come-lately Chiefs fans know is, there’s a wizard under center for their team now. But Mahomes isn’t Gandalf, he’s Frodo, because he’s only going to get the One Ring, and he hangs out with a bald creature with unhealthy eating habits. Andy Reid is addicted to that delicious KC barbecue, but at least he is the one member of his family whose addictions are actually legal. Andy Reid used to have issues with clock management, and he’d stay in his bench at Famous Dave’s Barbecue long after closing time until he was removed by security. But these days, Reid doesn’t have issues with the clock, he only has TikTok problems.

Andy Reid has TikTok problems… 

TikTok itself is an abomination against God and nature, and the two worst offenders are associated with the Chiefs- Jackson Mahomes and Juju Smith-Schuster. Jackson himself dances like he’s the love child of Elaine from Seinfeld and Stuart from Mad TV. I thought dancing was supposed to take talent, and not just look like you’re trying to get to the other side of a minefield without getting your grundle blown into the stratosphere. Juju might be even worse, as his ‘dances’ consist of him acting like one of his feet is on fire and the other is encased in cement.

One day, sometime in the future, the Kansas City Chiefs will go the way of the Cleveland Guardians, Stanford Cardinal and Washington Communists and they will be forced to give up their Native American theme, the associated regalia, and their stupid chant they stole from the Braves. They will adopt a moniker more in tune with the time-honored denizens of Western Missouri, and call themselves the Kansas City Methamphetamine Dealers. Their mascot will be a guy dressed as a box of Sudafed.

Never underestimate a Chiefs fan’s disdain for decency and common sense, because just like Giants and Jets fans, their team’s name includes a state the team does not play in. The Cowboys play in Arlington, but at least Dallas is still actually in Texas. At least the Chiefs didn’t build a stadium designed to give half their fans skin cancer like the 49ers did, because the sun never shines on Kansas City.

Prediction for Monday Night From Raiderdamus

This Chiefs team lost to the Colts, a team which just this week needed a miracle and some of the worst coaching decisions in football history to beat the Broncos. How on Earth does a good team like KC lose to the Colts? Ask me again in a few months after the Raiders manage to do the same thing, I guess. In any case, we all know the Chiefs can’t stop the run, and after Josh Jacobs blows past the Kansas City defensive line the biggest burnt ends in Missouri will be George Karlaftis and Frank Clark.

The Chiefs did beat the Bucs last week, but Tom Brady is 438 years old and treats the game of football like Dorian Gray treats a painting of himself. Tom Brady really gave up Gisele so Chris Jones could sit on his head. Tom Brady makes decisions like the Broncos are going to hire him to be their next coach.

Derek Carr is one of the few quarterbacks to beat Mahomes in Kansas City, but I very much doubt he’ll do it this week. The Raiders still have some growing to do, and Mahomes has too many receivers with hyphenated last names for the Raiders to handle.

Chiefs win, 44-20.

Raiders vs. Chiefs: 5 Interesting Stats For Monday Night Football

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