Raiderdamus

Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Texans

The following is a work of humor and satire by Raiderdamus on the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive humor and imagery and as a result it should not be read by anyone.

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man who puts the funk in dysfunction, the man who is so hot I get into the sauna to cool off, the man who always goes harder than the tree that murdered Sonny Bono, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today fresh off a correct prediction of a Raiders loss to the Chiefs, although I will say that the Raiders proved to everyone that they are a much better team than their awful record would suggest. And then the Raiders got to sit at home last Sunday and watch the Bills defeat the Chiefs on that same field because elite teams like Buffalo can finish what they start.

Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Texans

The Raiders are back from their bye week with another opponent ahead of them, and in accordance with tradition, I’ve once again asked the Great Beyond for his wisdom regarding the Raiders’ upcoming game on Sunday afternoon.

“What a game last Monday! Before the season, everyone asked for more AFC West prime time matchups, but the NFL took that to mean ‘please show us more Russell Wilson’ and the best part of Raiders vs. Chiefs was that the Broncos didn’t play in it. If the NFL keeps showing Broncos games on prime time, they’ll end up less popular than the WNBA.

Who you got this week? The Texans? Oh man, what can I possibly do to them that the last 22 years hasn’t already done? But I have to treat each opponent equally, and the Texans technically are an NFL team until they accept that invite from the Sun Belt, so here we go.

The Houston Texans are bad at nearly every position…

The Texans are bad at nearly every position, but particularly in the secondary. Houston should realize the only person able to slow down Davante Adams is going to be a sideline cameraman wandering into one of his routes. The Texans may put rookie corner Derek Stingley Jr. on Adams, but the last time a member of the Stingley family played against the Raiders it did not go so well. Let’s hope young Derek merely has a broken heart after this game and nothing worse.

Raiders QB Derek Carr is intimately familiar with the Texans franchise, as his older brother David was the franchise’s first draft pick back in 2002. Knowing Carr was a pocket passer without much mobility, the Texans did the smart thing and provided him with the crappiest offensive line in the history of organized football. Carr had more sacks than the Army Corps of Engineers during a flood. Not only is “Texans” the stupidest team name in the NFL and a direct reference to the team which is now the Chiefs as well as a bald-faced way for the team to remind Cowboys fans that their team exists, but their logo is a dead cow head. There are few images which could encapsulate this franchise better than a dead cow, so the logo actually works really well.

About Davis Mills…

Houston has, without question, the worst roster in the league. The only reason they are competitive in so many of their games is because Davis Mills turned out to be kind of okay instead of abjectly awful. Mills has an advantage in that the 63 vertebrae in his neck allow him to see over his offensive line, and he can eat the leaves at the top of the tallest trees in Texas. The nutrients he receives from this enable him to lose to the Jaguars by 3 points instead of 10.

Former Texans owner Bob McNair once accused his team of being a place where the ‘inmates ran the asylum’, a statement many took umbrage with for obvious reasons. But what did McNair expect, when the people he hired to run the team have proven to be so incompetent? While Nick Caserio is running the personnel side of things now, the two de facto general managers before him were Bill O’Brien and Jack Easterby. O’Brien is a washout who is currently serving time at Nick Saban’s School for Wayward Coaches, inspiring Alabama players to lose to Tennessee and nearly Texas and Texas A&M, while Easterby started out as the sort of corrupt megachurch pastor who makes people hate religion and ended up as the sort of corrupt megachurch pastor who makes people hate football.

The Deshaun Watson contract

Easterby did countless stupid things as head of the Texans, including trading DeAndre Hopkins for David Johnson and three magic beans, but at least he did not sign Deshaun Watson to a contract so absurd that even the Browns would not trade for it. The only places where a despicable monster like Watson could possibly be defended are Texas, where football trumps human rights and dignity, and Ohio, where the people have given up the will to live. Watson never experienced true success in Houston because the only people who ever committed to providing him with a strong defense were his lawyers. Now that Watson is on the Browns, he is sure to never experience success again.

The Texans are such a charity case these days that J.J. Watt is going to donate money to get them back on their feet, as soon as he gets back on his feet from whatever season-ending injury he suffered on Thursday night. We’ll see some dimly lit ESPN vignette about what a great guy Watt is while they show him chopping wood in his underwear in the middle of a forest. Watt gave the best years of his life to Houston, including all six weeks of his career that he’s been healthy. Watt is more committed to hurting himself than Steve-O in 2003.

Raiderdamus: Houston has never done anything in the NFL

Houston has never won anything of note in the NFL. They have never made a conference championship game, and the biggest victory their team has ever experienced was when Andre Johnson beat the crap out of Cortland Finnegan on the field. The Texans used to be the team designated to beat the Bengals in the Wild Card round ever year, but they’re not even good enough for that anymore. They have no talent, no hope, and no future. With an outlook like that, Caserio should have just traded the entire team to the Browns so they can fit in with the rest of Ohio.

Las Vegas is a better team in absolutely every respect, but the Raiders have a way of playing with their food and making games close that ought not to be close. Still, I think the home team takes this one.

Raiders win, 26-20.”

Raiderdamus’ Saturday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chiefs

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