Raiderdamus: The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and as a result, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! You wanted the best; you got the best! It is I, the man who brings you joy and elation and never goes on vacation, the man who changes the questions when you think you have all the answers, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today, reminded of the mythological story of Pandora’s Box.
In antiquity, a woman named Pandora was given a box by the gods and told never to open it. Being curious, as people are, she opened it anyway, and out popped all manner of evils—sickness, death, and every awful thing that plagues mankind. She hastened to close the box again, but after all the nasty things had gone, only one thing remained in the box: hope, which is all that is left to man and equips us to deal with the trials of life. And then the Raiders went for it on fourth down, and hope was tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
Raiderdamus’ Saturday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Jaguars
Unmercifully, the Raiders have another game on Sunday. I’ve asked the Great Beyond to share his opinion on that game, and here is the message I received:
“Wow, what a season it’s been for the Raiders. Usually, only teenagers making dumb TikTok videos kick each other in the nuts as hard as the Raiders have done to their fans this year. But I digress. Who do you got this week? The Jaguars?
This game will take place in Jacksonville. Ironically, it was recently named one of the Ten Worst Places to be Eaten Alive by Mosquitoes in the August 2022 issue of Shitshow Magazine. Normally, to end up in Jacksonville, you have to make a long series of questionable life choices and double down on each of them. Making those choices in Jacksonville itself sends you somewhere worse, like prison or Tallahassee. The Jaguars are the most Florida Man of all teams. They spend much of the year far to the north; they are terrible with money; and they are associated with jungle cats whose ownership is of dubious legality. Lynyrd Skynyrd is actually from Jacksonville, but they choose to let people believe that they are from Alabama, as it would be less embarrassing.
What’s the meaning behind Duval?
Jaguars owner Shad Khan is similarly the most Florida Man owner possible. He made his money in the auto industry; he has a comically large moustache; and his family owns a pro wrestling company. I would not be shocked to learn that the Jaguars themselves are a massive money laundering scheme or a tax dodge. Soon enough, Jags games will be held in a Walmart parking lot, with the Rock ‘N Roll Express taking on the Tennessee Titans in a cage match. Jaguars fans are known to yell “Duval” at players on opposing teams, just to remind the visitors which county correctional facility those fans just got released from.
Jacksonville hasn’t had a lot of success on the field in recent years, and so the main thing the team has to look forward to is the draft. It always goes the same way. The Jaguars spend all offseason scouting players from various schools to see which player would be the best fit, and then finally the day arrives. The fanbase is full of expectations. The team hands in their draft card, Roger Goodell goes to the podium, and ESPN cuts to a Mercedes Benz commercial while the Jaguars’ pick is announced. Regardless of which unqualified coach the Jaguars hire that year, that player’s career is ruined for the next four seasons. That’s until he leaves in free agency and his career picks back up because mosquitoes are no longer sucking his blood every day.
Raiderdamus: The Urban Meyer Era
Last year, the Jaguars hired Urban Meyer as their head coach, which was the worst decision made by a human being since Mao Zedong ordered the death of every sparrow in China. As an NFL coach, Meyer made Steve Spurrier look like Don Shula. Meyer was the biggest disaster in Florida since the 2000 presidential election.
Urban Meyer was the ultimate hanging chad. By that I mean that instead of being fired, he should have been hanged. Sometimes an NFL head coach can take on too much responsibility and spread themselves too thin. Meyer’s job duties did not include playing grab-ass with college girls at bars, but he took that on anyway because he was so dedicated to the pursuit. Meyer now works for Fox, a place where he is at least not the most egregious waste of flesh on their payroll.
Every Jaguar fan knows the Jags should have won the 2018 AFC Championship. But if they cared as much about the Jaguars losing as they care about having lost the Civil War, they’d spend a weekend every January re-enacting that game in their back yards with homemade Jags and Patriots uniforms over and over until Myles Jack isn’t ruled down by contact. Blake Bortles will rise again!
Raiderdamus: The Jaguars are named after…Â
The Jaguars are named after a British car, but that car, unlike the Jaguars, can actually complete a drive successfully. Sending the Jaguars over to London to play so many games is America’s revenge for the British burning down the White House in the War of 1812. Upon hearing that London would host the Jaguars vs. Giants game this year, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II passed away—a better pass than was thrown by either team in that game. It is fitting for the Jaguars to play their games at 4:30 in the morning Eastern time to be seen by about 16 people, about three fewer viewers than would choose to watch them at 1 p.m. I hope the next Thursday night game between the Jaguars and Titans is played at 3 a.m. on the Destination America Network so we can see if a TV show can get negative ratings.
Prediction for Sunday?
While Jacksonville’s offense has been largely ineffective this season, playing the Raiders’ defense is the cure for whatever ails it. The Raiders this season have performed the best disappearing act since that time your dad went out for cigarettes and never came back. I guess what happens in Vegas does stay in Vegas. You can tell because the Raiders don’t appear to have made the trip out east with the talent, heart, or ability to win games.
Jaguars win, 24-23.
The Raiders Face A Big Problem With Jaguars RB Travis Etienne
*Top Photo: Associated Press/Phelan M. Ebenhack