Raiderdamus: The following is a piece of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery and as a result it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the cinnamon on your toast, the rum in your eggnog, and the nut in your nutmeg, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today ecstatic off a fresh Raiders victory against Los Angeles, only to find the team must play Los Angeles again four days later. Who scheduled this sh*t, Adam Silver? The Rams are so bad at passing you’d think they were the L.A. team with Russell Westbrook.
Raiderdamus’ Wednesday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Rams
It may be a quick turnaround, but you know the Great Beyond is ready to give his opinion about Thursday night’s game. Here is the message I received:
“Quite a win on Sunday for the Silver and Black. Everything I said about the Chargers is true; they are losers through and through, and their coach has the self-control of a crackhead robbing a Del Taco at 2 a.m. Yeah, buddy, I’m sure you’ll make it on fourth down this time; go for it. What could go wrong?
So, who you got this week? The Rams? The team that won the Super Bowl last season, and then like five hundred people came to their victory parade and were only there because they were stuck in traffic at the time.
It must be embarrassing to be a fan of the team that looked at itself and said, “You know what we need if we want to win the Super Bowl? That guy from the Detroit Lions.” Yes, the Rams were such a disaster that the Lions were a step in the right direction. But win the Super Bowl they did, because they’ve traded so many draft choices for pricey veterans that their next first-round pick hasn’t kissed a girl yet and is busy making TikTok videos about Fortnite.
Onto December…Â
We’re well into December now, which means the sun goes down over the western horizon long before most Angelenos have made it home on their two-mile, six-hour commute from work. The Christmas season is a tough time for folks from a place as notoriously selfish and shallow as Los Angeles. The holiday season is the season of giving, but the only thing most LA denizens give each other is the clap. Since most of them live in small apartments, it can be tough to put up holiday decorations.
The average LA resident may have to borrow a ladder from a friend so they can climb it and hold the tree-topping angel near the ceiling while their roommate shoves the Christmas tree up its ass.
A fun touristy thing to do in Los Angeles is look for actors and other famous people. It’s safe to assume that anyone you meet in LA is an actor or someone who exploits actors to make a living. But it’s important to remember that actors are people too, and not to just go up to them and start talking; that may be rude. Wait for the actor to greet you, as they may say something like, “Welcome to In-N-Out, may I take your order?” It is then safe to tell them what kind of cheeseburger you want for lunch.
Raiderdamus: About that Rams offense…
It’s pretty fitting that the Rams play in Los Angeles now because it’s hard for them to drive 100 yards in three hours. Matt Stafford is injured again, something even Stevie Wonder could have seen coming. He’s out with a spinal cord contusion, which is frankly a bizarre injury because I was under the impression the spine was there to protect the spinal cord from contusions. Stafford is a special case, though, as his spine is made of Sam Bradford’s knees.
Don’t fret for Rams fans though; they will just fish out their Dallas Cowboys jerseys from the back of their closet. Rams fans are the type of people whose favorite team won the Super Bowl for the 56th time in a row last season. The only time they faced hardship was when they pretended to be Jets fans for a few months in 1969.
I know the Rams just built a shiny new stadium that the Raiders can enjoy playing in, but they really should go somewhere where they are more beloved. Perhaps somewhere in the Midwest. A place where they could build, say, a giant concrete arch so everyone would know where the stadium is. Where the air is free of smog and nobody has to choke like the Packers in the playoffs.
“Los Angeles Rams”
Somewhere like that would be great, because the Rams have a patch on the front of their uniforms that literally says “Los Angeles Rams” on it. While it’s a bold move to assume Rams fans can read, the patch is presumably there because the Rams use the same blue and yellow color scheme as the other team that uses their stadium, and they’re worried that the ignorant dipshits who have not yet moved away from Los Angeles won’t be able to tell them apart. It would be nice to move to a place where the nearest football team looks like they got doused in ketchup.
As it stands now, when the Rams play their main rivals, the 49ers, the stadium is mostly filled with Niner fans. This is no accident, as the 49ers built their new stadium so far from San Francisco that SoFi is closer to the Bay than Levi’s Stadium is. When the Raiders come to town, there will be more black in the crowd than on the cover of Spinal Tap’s Smell The Glove album. Of course, Stan Kroenke doesn’t care. He owns the Colorado Avalanche and Arsenal, so he is used to owning the fourth most popular team in its own city.
Raiderdamus: People simply don’t care in L.A.
A team has to be a special kind of boring to make a city not care about winning the Super Bowl. Fans in Los Angeles get more hyped for a Lakers win against the Mavericks in April than they do for the Rams winning the title. The Dodgers’ Mickey Mouse World Series, where all they had to do was buy all the best players and win 50 games during a worldwide plague, means more than the Rams’ championship. The USC Trojans’ nail-biting win over Tulane in the upcoming Cotton Bowl will be a bigger story. The Angels signing yet another overpriced player who is not a pitcher and won’t help them win any games will spark more discussion.
One day, when the Rams are back in Missouri and SoFi Stadium is the world’s largest Spirit Halloween, Jeff Fisher will come back from the dead and lead the Rams to a 7-10 record, because 7-9 is far too good for them.
Raiders win, 30-19.”
Catch up on previous editions of Raiderdamus right here.
*Top Photo: Miles Klee/Medium