Raiderdamus: The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language or imagery and as a result it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man who throws money in the air like I’m trying to pay the sky, the man with the low flow like Jacques Cousteau, the man who isn’t prejudiced and hates everyone equally, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today ready to be hurt again, as the Raiders lost a game that, had it happened in Madden, would cause someone to throw their controller into their television and never play that stupid game again. How can anyone come back from that? How can anyone find it in themselves to have hope after that? The Raiders had their hearts ripped out worse than that poor dude in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Kali ma!
Raiderdamus’ Saturday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Patriots
Whether or not anyone believes in them, the Raiders do have three more games to play, starting with a home contest against an ancient and hated rival. So I’ve asked the Great Beyond for his thoughts on the matter, and here is the message I received:
“There’s only one thing worse than losing the Super Bowl after going up 28-3, and that’s losing the Super Bowl after going 18-0.
If you assume a Raider fan is from Oakland, he or she will either politely correct you or simply be happy that they come across gangster enough to be from Oakland. If you assume a Patriots fan is from Boston, they will take it as an insult. Most Pats fans are from places like New Hampshire, Maine, Connecticut or Florida, and abhor being associated with a terrible place like Boston, also known as Racist San Francisco. Los Angeles has Tupac and Snoop Dogg. New York has Biggie and Jay-Z. Boston has House of Pain.
Yes, the Raiders lost a tough game last week. But if they want to learn how to get over heartbreak quickly, they just need to learn from Patriots owner Robert Kraft. His wife of 50 years died in 2011 and within six months he had gotten over it and was dating a woman 40 years younger than him and was also getting handies from trafficked sex slaves in Florida. There’s a man who doesn’t dwell on the past.
These two teams have one thing in common
The Raiders and the Patriots have one thing in common. As soon as Josh McDaniels left New England and came to Las Vegas, both of their offenses stopped working. The Raiders have doggedly tried working that square peg into a round hole with no lubrication, while the Patriots have dueling offensive coordinators in Joe Judge and Matt Patricia. If Bill Belichick wanted a failed head coach as his offensive coordinator, he could have just kept McDaniels.
Belichick is the Grandpa Simpson of the NFL. If you ask him a simple question about blocking schemes, he will go off on a tangent ultimately culminating in an in-depth discussion of a special teams play from 1957 that nobody cares about, when men were men and wore onions on their belt, as was the style at the time. Belichick lets his dog draft for him, which is why the Patriots have Cole Strange and no wide receivers. The good part of Belichick’s senile downfall is that eventually teams will stop hiring his assistants as their head coaches.
The Belichick coaching tree is less fruitful than the fig tree that Jesus killed in Mark chapter 11. Nothing good will ever come of it, so it’s better that it dies and saves everyone’s valuable time. The Patriots were once so bad that Bill Parcells willingly left to coach the Jets, and they will be that bad again sooner than later.
Belichick’s defense
While Belichick’s defense has been solid this year, the offense has totally sputtered under Patricia. It’s not hard to see why. The only offensive thing Matt Patricia can do is put ketchup on steak. Do you have any idea how bad a coach has to be to put the Detroit Lions franchise back 20 years? Matt Patricia does, because he did it, and everyone in Detroit hates him the way everyone in Denver hates Josh McDaniels for making sure the Broncos never beat the Raiders on his watch.
Matt Patricia looks like a pro wrestler from the 1980’s territories with a name like Grizzle McCormick or something like that. He looks like a stunt double for Jabba the Hutt. Every time he gets on top of his wife, she ends up flatter than day-old soda. Matt Patricia looks like he smells like feta cheese. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Matt Patricia was chasing it with a pressure fryer. Matt Patricia’s time in Detroit makes Joe Judge’s Giants tenure look successful.
Raiderdamus goes in on Joe Judge
Speaking of Joe Judge, he looks like his own face was photoshopped onto his head. He’s the only guy I can think of whose head is more boring than his personality. He looks like a default Create-A-Golfer on a PGA Tour game. Joe Judge’s name should be White Guy. Joe Judge supported Daniel Jones keeping the Giants’ starting QB job. showing he is a worse judge of character than all those ladies writing letters to Charles Manson in prison.
This game will be a battle of wits between Josh McDaniels and Bill Belichick. Unfortunately, in a battle of wits, McDaniels comes in unarmed. Will the young upstart McDaniels be able to remember how to successfully attack Belichick’s defense, which Belichick will probably totally change right before the game, so it doesn’t resemble anything he’s ever done before, just to screw with McDaniels? Will the ancient and wizened Belichick be able to remember the names of his wife and children and his home address?
Smart money bets on the experience in this one.
Patriots win, 24-21.”
*Top Photo: Rick Scuteri/Associated Press