Raiderdamus: The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive humor and imagery and as a result it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man who puts the funk in dysfunction, the 2006 Time Man of the Year, and the World’s Most Dangerous Hermit, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today full of grit and determination, because even though the Raiders have given up on providing a quality experience to their fans, Raiderdamus has not, and I will continue to make fun of anyone and everything until the sun explodes, because life stinks and everything deserves to be made fun of. Eat at Arby’s.
Raiderdamus’ Saturday Foretelling: Raiders vs. 49ers
New Year’s Eve is upon us, and surely next year will be better than the last, and the inexorable march of progress will lead us all to happiness. And if you believe that, I have some lovely bayfront property in Arizona to sell you. Learn to swim.
The Raiders have two games left this season, and the Great Beyond relishes his opportunities to make his opinions heard. Here is the message I received about the upcoming game:
“The only thing with a drought longer than the 49ers’ championship drought is California itself. The Niners last won the Super Bowl in 1995, but it has not rained in California since 1837.
The 49ers are, of course, named after those intrepid and gullible souls who descended on California in the mid-1800s looking for gold. The Gold Rush is a lot like the last two Niners Super Bowl appearances- they make millions of people turn their attention to California, only for them to come away disappointed.
Jim Harbaugh coached the Niners for years, but eventually decided pro football wasn’t worth the trouble. He can just as easily get blown out in the playoffs at Michigan for a far lower cost of living.
Jed York, a man who is just as stupid as the name “Jed” implies, once hired Jim Tomsula as head coach. “Tomsula” is Italian for “McDaniels.”
The 49ers and Tom Brady
The 49ers didn’t sign Tom Brady because they already had Brady’s old backup. Russia tried to send Jimmy Garoppolo to the Ukraine because they knew he’d be able to overthrow the entire country.
San Francisco is the most ivory-tower place on Earth. They’re the only city that gentrified their own football team out of town. Football players are some of the only people who can actually afford to live in San Francisco anymore. Instead, they all have to live in the South Bay like a bunch of crust punks. Garoppolo saves money by dating a porn star instead of paying for internet porn like a pleb. 49ers fans, faced with the extreme modern cost of living, bravely choose to live in the past.
Raiderdamus on Levi’s Stadium
Levi’s Stadium was built by the Yorks with the intention of giving their fans a better gameday experience than cold, windy old Candlestick Park did. What they have given their fans instead is the experience of being a bug under a magnifying glass, in a building with no soul, where the drug dealers aren’t the jolly kind like they used to be back in the day when you could buy acid from a member of Jefferson Starship in the men’s bathroom. Jed York thinks a positive fan experience means your arms and face are sunburned as red as your Frank Gore jersey by the end of the game. The Raiders moved to an actual desert rather than share this stadium with the Niners.
The end of the year gives us an opportunity to pause and look back as another year has gone by. It leaves us far closer to death than we were previously. It allows us to take stock of ourselves and ask, “What is the purpose of life?” As Raider fans, we understand that the answer is “to suffer.” But if there is a just and loving God, as many surmise, why do we suffer so much? Why do bad things happen to innocent people? Why do children get cancer? Many of these questions are inscrutable, but children get cancer because their parents took them to Levi’s for a 49ers game.
That one time Kyle Shanahan blew a 28-3 lead
San Francisco’s current head coach is Kyle Shanahan. He earned the job by virtue of… let me check my notes here… blowing a 28-3 lead to the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Yes, that certainly inspires confidence. Shanahan, who totally did not break into the coaching business because he is the son of rat-faced bastard Mike Shanahan, is known best for his ability to scheme players open in space. If he goes much longer without bringing a title to the Bay, space is exactly where Niner fans are going to want to send him.
If you go to the game on Sunday, you may see 49ers fans walking strangely. Maybe they’ll be doing a funny dance on the way to the stadium. Don’t mind them; it’s just muscle memory from having to dodge poop and used drug needles on the sidewalks where they come from. Offer to sell them some PCP, and they’ll feel more at home.
The Raiders have benched Derek Carr, alienated their fan base, and given up all hope for the future, but none of these things are the biggest cause for concern on Sunday. The Silver and Black’s biggest problem will be that the Niners are starting their third-string quarterback, and we all know what happened last time.
49ers win, 31-12.
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*Top Photo: Niners Noise