Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive humor and imagery, and as a result, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, a legend in my own time, a legend in my own mind, a legend in my spare time, and the World’s Freshest Man, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today full of hope and, at the same time, full of trepidation. The Raiders have made many changes to the team. So, it remains to be seen whether that will be enough to send them to the playoffs. Or, if instead, it sends Josh McDaniels to the unemployment line…
Some things never change…
It’s been a long and tumultuous offseason, and with Week 1 here, we can feel secure in the knowledge that one thing will never change: Darren Waller is questionable for Week 1. And we know something else already, that being that the Chiefs are Detroit’s b**** and they stink. Anyone who can run the ball with any degree of success and rush the passer will eat them for lunch, Inshallah. The Chiefs’ receivers had more drops than an optometrist’s office and less success than a man with one a** cheek in a farting contest.
Raiders vs. Broncos: Tidbits To Look Out For In NFL Week 1
Raiderdamus: Raiders vs. Broncos
But this isn’t Chiefs week, so I’ll save the rest of that roast for later. Or Andy Reid might eat it. This is Broncos week. In keeping with longstanding tradition, I have once again asked the Great Beyond to enlighten us on what will become of our beloved Silver and Black as they journey a mile into the sky to do battle with their ancient enemy, lack of oxygen. And also the Broncos. Here is the message I received on this blessed day:
“You again! How much more of this can you take? Every year you ask me what will happen, I tell you, and you watch as your team disappoints you over and over again. If you enjoy losing so much, just invest in crypto. But by all means, if you want to know what will happen, I’ll oblige. Who have you got this week? The Broncos?
Denver has sucked for a long time, but their fans only have themselves to blame. “Just let Peyton Manning win one more ring,” they said to the Devil. “And then we can suck for the next decade.” And the Devil obliged by giving them Vance Joseph, Nathaniel Hackett, Drew Lock, Joe Flacco, Brock Osweiler, Case Keenum, Jeff Driskel, and an offensive scheme with more holes than Aaron Hernandez’s brain.
MORE: Catch Up On Raiderdamus’ Work From 2022
Remember when the Broncos lost to Josh McDaniels, twice?
The Broncos have been kept halfway respectable by their sturdy defense. Still, it’s been largely for nothing. Pair the Raiders offense with the Denver defense, and that team would be unstoppable. The Broncos should have fired Hackett after Week 1 last year. Instead, they stuck with him for some reason. Their patience was rewarded when Seattle got the fifth pick in the draft while also making the playoffs. As proof of Hackett’s incompetence, the Broncos lost to Josh McDaniels twice in 2022. McDaniels seems to make a habit of ensuring the Broncos lose whenever possible.
Eventually, Hackett was indeed fired. Afterward, the Broncos brought in former Saints coach Sean Payton. The same coach that’s been coasting on his lone Super Bowl win—the one he won when Peyton Manning forgot which team he played for—yup.
The Broncos have been the victims of heartbreaking and crushing losses for years, many of them in the Super Bowl itself. Luckily, they’re ready to move on. It’s a good thing Payton has never lost an important game in dramatic and heartbreaking fashion. Never mind the fact that Denver could have and should have hired Kyle Shanahan after Gary Kubiak nearly died on the sidelines and hired Vance Joseph instead, but far be it for the franchise that would soon be sold to Walmart to engage in an act of nepotism after Mike Shanahan coached the Broncos for so many years.
Drew Brees, remember him?
Payton had his greatest (and only) success with a prime Drew Brees under center. A nutless monkey could have success coaching a team with prime Drew Brees, but I digress. What Payton has now is non-prime Russell Wilson, who spent last season proving that he was the problem and not the Seahawks. Broncos fans were very excited to see Russ cook, but the only cooking that happened was when the Broncos set their own stadium on fire before the season began.
Russ had a season that would have made Todd Marinovich wince. In fact, it all came to a head on Christmas Day in a game against the Rams that was broadcast on Nickelodeon.
Nickelodeon?
Nickelodeon is not a channel we typically see football games on. But they’ve been showing a few games, including one playoff game, for the last couple seasons. The broadcast is complete with all kinds of Nick-themed bullshit that is designed to keep children entertained and get them into football. I believe if you want to get kids into football, don’t show them Broncos vs. Rams, but I don’t make the calls here.
In any case, on Christmas Day 2022, Russell Wilson ran a play that was being commented on by SpongeBob’s good friend Patrick Star. He’s a cartoon starfish that wears Bermuda shorts and is severely intellectually challenged. Wilson threw an interception to former teammate Bobby Wagner, who ran the ball back a fair distance. “Oh noooo!” said Mr. Star. “That’s not what he wanted to cook!”
Raiderdamus: Corny a** nonsense…
If you are a self-respecting football player, you cannot get ethered like that by a cartoon character. If you are nuked from orbit like this by an echinoderm, your career is over. Done. Go home. You are no longer allowed to play football. Russell Wilson was already a laughingstock due to his corny “Let’s Ride” and “Broncos Country” nonsense. Still, getting obliterated on Nickelodeon in front of all those kids he pretends to visit in the hospital is next level. He’s a punchline from here on out. Every time he makes a bad play, all the internet comment sections will have hundreds of comments saying, “That’s not what he wanted to cook.”
There is no coming back from that. Russ could win three more Super Bowls, and he’d still be that guy Patrick Star roasted like he was on an episode of Wild ‘N Out.
Payton will have to make chicken salad out of chicken s*** this week with the Broncos offense. A group that has approximately three healthy receivers after Tim Patrick’s ankle fell off and Jerry Jeudy’s knees were found to be made of papier-mâché. Can he do it? No.
Raiders win, 29-17.
*Top Photo: Stephen Lew-USA TODAY Sports
