Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man with more beef than your local deli, the man with a future so bright I’ve got to wear sunglasses at night, the man who takes mushrooms to Happy Hour because I’m a fun guy, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today exultant, fresh off a correct prediction of a Raiders victory over the Broncos. Denver’s team is so injured that when Russell Wilson went to visit kids at the hospital, he said hello to half his teammates while he was there. But this is a new week with a new opponent, one that will surely be out for blood after an embarrassing loss last Monday night.
Raiderdamus: Raiders vs. Bills, Week 2
In keeping with ancient tradition, I have once again consulted with the Great Beyond to find out what Fate has in store for our intrepid heroes this week in Western New York. Here is the message I received:
“Once again, the Great Beyond has proven wiser and more prescient than the so-called experts of football. Josh McDaniels is an oaf, they said, while Sean Payton is a genius. Surely the Broncos will win at home. But I said unto you, nay! The Raiders will win. Not because McDaniels is not an oaf, but because Payton is more overrated than the Crunchwrap Supreme and Jimmy G doesn’t simply lose regular-season games against subpar teams. Opponents are unfailingly distracted by his masculine beauty and athletic prowess, forgetting their defensive gameplan as he shreds them for just enough points to win while still staying comfortably under the radar.
So, who have you got this week? The Bills? Ahh, the only city with its own mascot.
Did you see that ludicrous display last week? The trouble with the Bills is that they always try to walk it in. The Bills did the NFL a huge favor by ridding the league’s talking heads of the obligation to discuss Aaron Rodgers. Jets fans were so hyped for this season, but they forgot the team is still the Jets and will always be the Jets, and nothing good will ever happen to them because God hates them. This is not just a football truism; this is a fundamental law of nature. And yet, the Bills lost to the Jets last week. Any team that loses to Zach Wilson should be summarily executed by firing squad.
The last time Buffalo lost in overtime; the NFL made some severe rule changes. I wonder if they’ll just switch to college overtime after this latest Bills debacle. How bad can Josh Allen screw up if he gets the ball on the opposing 25-yard line? I think we’re about to find out.
Such a fall from grace…
Josh Allen has become the saddest thing he could possibly be, and that’s White Randall Cunningham. Always an electric player, Cunningham never won a damn thing in the NFL because he was constantly overshadowed by better players and better teams. In his last game of the 1990 season, he suffered a devastating playoff loss, and in his first game of the 1991 season, he tore his ACL. Cunningham’s Eagles shared the NFC with the Cowboys, Giants, Washington, and 49ers, all of whom kept him from glory just like the Chiefs and Bengals have done for Allen.
Similarly, the Bills have become the saddest and most pathetic thing they could be, and that’s the Minnesota Vikings of the AFC. The Bills and Vikings have both vowed never to feel the agony of losing in the Super Bowl again and have determined never to go back to it. Josh Allen has done wonders for the Bills, though, in that while their season used to end in December, now it ends in January. If the Bills were to lose the Super Bowl a fifth time, they’d be the Ralph Nader of football teams.
At some point, Buffalo must realize that they are on a fool’s errand and go join the Big Ten. They could surely beat Rutgers if they took out the Scarlet Knights’ starting quarterback on the first drive of the game. The Jets are simply too tall a task for Buffalo.
Bills fans are a long-suffering bunch, a motley group of fat Midwestern idiots who love nothing more than to get piss drunk and put each other through tables like they were the Dudley Boys. A more discerning group of fans would have long since abandoned the Bills after sitting through the Rob Johnson and J.P. Losman years, but not these folks.
We can see how non-discerning a group they are because they choose to live in Buffalo, a place with a weather phenomenon known as Lake Effect Snow. This is when cold air hastens over Lake Erie, causes a sudden snowstorm, and drops several feet of snow on the city at once. This is less an act of nature as it is an act of war, a warning from God Himself that people are not supposed to live here, and yet people do, because Bills fans (just like Browns fans on the other end of Lake Erie, facing the same phenomenon) are already passed out from too many Busch Lights and cannot hear what God is saying.
It’s that stubborn spirit, that you-can’t-tell-me-what-to-do attitude, that endears one Bills player in particular to the fans. Damar Hamlin, the Bills safety who died on the field nine months ago, came back to life and willed himself to join the team and play once more. His courage and determination make him a fan favorite and an American hero now and forever, and he embodies the very character of the Bills themselves: collapsing on the field when the stakes are highest.
Raiderdamus: The Juice
While Allen and Hamlin are beloved Bills, the best player in team history is noted author and knife enthusiast O.J. Simpson, a controversial figure who spent time in prison for stealing his own property. OJ once ran for over 2000 yards in a season for the Bills, but his greatest drive was in a Bronco.
The Bills are likely to play with a chip on their shoulder this week after the Jets loss. Vegas’ best hope is that the Jets exposed Buffalo as not being as good as everyone thought and that the Bills may be so cross that they will make a mistake. There is no room in the NFL for moral victories, but that is the only kind the Raiders are likely to earn this week.
Final prediction from Raiderdamus?
Bills win, 27-17.
*Top Photo: Getty Images