Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. Due to its content, nobody should read it because it might contain offensive language and imagery.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man more nuts than an almond factory, the man who goes harder than the tree that killed Sonny Bono, and the World’s Dopest Man, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today, as I normally do this time of year, looking ahead to the NFL Draft. The Raiders will find themselves in an enviable position in April, able to land a quality quarterback, so long as they do not do anything like win any more pesky football games.
Unfortunately, they will have a challenge on Thursday night against a team that may be underperforming even more than the Raiders are. If you thought the Raiders-Vikings game was bad, wait until you see this garbage. I hate to bother the Great Beyond with this level of rubbish, but even if football stinks, I will not. Here is the message I received:
“I checked the schedule, and it looks like the Raiders are playing LAC. I’m not sure who put the Clippers on the schedule, but I always knew Kawhi Leonard would make a great tight end. Wait, the Chargers? Yeah, I looked them up too, but Google just wants to know if I need USB-A or USB-C.
The football Chargers lost to Denver last week 24-7, and Russell Wilson poked so many holes in the Chargers that he’s been named their new team doctor. Justin Herbert fractured his finger in the game and is out for the season. I give Los Angeles the finger all the time, but Herbert took it to a new extreme. Imagine playing as hard as Herbert does for the tenth most popular football team in Los Angeles. It’s like subscribing to the 5,765th prettiest thot on Only Fans.
Nothing Justin Herbert will ever do as a Charger will amount to anything because he is coached, at least for now, by Brandon Staley. All twelve Charger fans want him fired, but he won’t ever be fired because the next coach would want more money than Staley is making, and Dean Spanos won’t have any of that nonsense. Staley will be the coach for life because coaching the Chargers is a no-stakes position.
Quick, right now, can you name the head football coach at Northwestern? No? I’ll guarantee you can’t, because nobody cares who coaches Northwestern, and nobody cares who coaches the Chargers. The Chargers are something of a dynasty, being the offseason Super Bowl Champions for 15 years in a row, but when it comes to Week 10 and they’re 2-7 and everyone forgets they exist and their entire roster is on injured reserve, I can come out and say, “I told you so,” because I told everyone from the beginning that the Chargers ain’t sh*t.
They are the forgotten team, cast into the sea of unremembrance, like the name of the band who did the song “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”. If you know that band was called Deep Blue Something, congratulations! You’re a f****** nerd.
The Chargers have a long history of irrelevance, despite their somewhat consistent level of success. They have made it to exactly one Super Bowl, following the 1994 season, and they were 18.5-point underdogs to the 49ers. Just like every other game the Chargers secondary has ever played; they did not cover.
There’s no real need to watch the Chargers attempt to play football because the best thing about their franchise is their social media team. Those people are on point every year with their schedule reveal videos and other various internet nonsense they make because they are under the impression that people give a sh*t about the Chargers. Everything they do is professional, entertaining, and far more fun to watch than the football team they promote.
I bet their social media team could protect a 27-point lead in a playoff game. Like anyone in a corporate environment, they know how to kill time and run out the clock.
During the Cowboys vs. Chargers game in October, cameras caught a particularly excitable Chargers fan losing her mind with emotions near the end of the game as the Chargers came back from a 7-point deficit. There hasn’t been a more obvious corporate plant since Comcast put a new Ficus in their headquarters. Nobody is excited about the Chargers, much less to the point where they act like teenage girls seeing the Beatles get off the plane from Liverpool.
The Chargers inspire one thing, and that’s apathy. The Cowboys kicked a field goal to win that game at the end, showing everyone exactly what happens when you place expectations on the Chargers.
Even if the Chargers fired Brandon Staley on Friday morning, they wouldn’t be able to do what the Raiders have done and get an interim coach who cares about the Raiders. The Raiders, despite how awful they have been, inspire loyalty and pride. The Raider Way is something to strive for.
The Charger Way is like trying to talk to a girl in a crowded bar and throwing up your own shoes before making a move. Nobody has ever been inspired by the Chargers unless they want to bend over and pay rent to be a billionaire’s b*tch.
The Raiders will try their best to win this game, and unfortunately, they may succeed because the Clipp-I mean, Chargers—may not be good enough to win it themselves.
Raiders win, 13-12.
*Top Photo: Orange County Register via Getty Images