Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. Readers should avoid this work due to its offensive language, imagery, and content.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the spreader of Christmas cheer, the man who gives carrots to reindeer but gives Santa pizza and beer, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today full of mirth and joy because the Raiders put up over 60 points on the Chargers in their last game and sent all twelve Charger fans in existence back into hibernation, where they belong.
As a reward for that epic beatdown, the Raiders will play a game on Christmas against the Red Devils of the Midwest. Leave it to the NFL schedule makers to put coal in our stockings. A bunch of kids are going to see their dads decked out in silver and black punch a hole in the drywall on Christmas Day. You did this, Roger Goodell. You did this.
Christmas is a time where we observe traditions, and there is no greater tradition than hearing the words of the Great Beyond about the upcoming game. Here is the message I received:
“I have never seen anything like that Charger game. Watching it was like watching the movie Caligula for the first time—you thought it would be a dull affair, but there was nothing but scoring for three hours.
On this day, we need to think of the children of Kansas City. While they are peacefully tucked into their beds after both parents have stopped drunkenly screaming at each other, the children have pleasant dreams of Santa Claus dropping by and delivering presents. Instead, Chiefsaholic, in full wolf costume, breaks into their house and steals everything they own to pay for more Chiefs tickets. Merry Christmas, kids.
These days, Chiefs fans are certainly obnoxious, as their team gets praised on national television every week. They are almost as insufferable as Cowboys fans, except that Chiefs fans have actually seen their team in a conference title game. Dallas fans are Lee Harvey Oswald, and the 49ers are Jack Ruby.
Today, many football fans see the Philadelphia Eagles as a well-run team, but they are the ones who fired Andy Reid in 2012 and suffered through the Chip Kelly years before finally winning a Super Bowl with Doug Pedersen. Reid put together the Dream Team Eagles in 2011, featuring Michael Vick at QB with weapons all over the offense. That team, much like every Chargers team ever, had all the talent you could think of on paper but didn’t actually win anything. I shouldn’t be too mean here, because if there was ever a man who’d eat roast eagle, it’s Andy Reid.
When it comes to roasting the Chiefs, however, there’s no line I won’t cross. Dee Ford felt the same way, and he jumped offsides and sent the Patriots to the Super Bowl.
Soon enough, Chiefs fans will get what is coming to them. When the Chiefs lose in the playoffs in Baltimore, all the articles will be about how Taylor Swift feels about the loss. Everyone will already know how Pat Mahomes feels, because he’ll have screamed at the refs and forced Kadarius Toney to commit seppuku at the 50-yard line and waddled into the locker room with a light pole up his a** like he usually does when he loses.
Caleb Williams is a more gracious loser than Pat Mahomes. I want to hear Taylor Swift’s scathing song about the refs. “Shoulda Called Pass Interference” will be a top Billboard hit next summer. Such a song will surely bring Chiefs and Raiders fans together in a show of unity that Chiefs fans will boo.
After Mahomes won his first Super Bowl in 2020, he scanned the crowd at Hard Rock Stadium in Miami, looking for his father, former Minnesota Twins pitcher Pat Mahomes the First. He had a lot in common with Chiefs fans that day, because none of them knew where their dad was either.
The Chiefs are one of the last teams in America with Native American branding, which means that sooner or later they and their racist fanbase, who boo unity and do a hand gesture they stole from the Braves and Florida State, are going to be faced with a name change.
Unlike Washington, which passed up the opportunity for a cool new name, the Chiefs will certainly go with something slick like the Kansas City Wolves. They will make a bank on merchandising with all new wolf-themed gear. And then, on Christmas Day 2045, Chiefsaholic will break into Chiefs headquarters and steal it all to pay for bail.
Chiefs win, 30-26.
*Top Photo: Icon Sports Wire via Getty Image
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