Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man with a face for radio and a voice for a monastery, your hero, your paragon of virtue, the world’s most dangerous football-related humorist, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. It’s a new season of Raiders football and, for the 13th year in a row, I am back to pi** in the cornflakes of every team on the Raiders’ schedule. I am out for blood, and I will hold nothing back. I hereby announce my candidacy for Hater of the Year 2024, and I vow to be more vicious, sadistic, mean-spirited and cold-blooded than ever before. I will bring all the smoke, flip all the birds, and no tern shall remain un-stoned.
In this spirit of violence, I have called once again upon the one you have all come to hear from, the being who wears the cosmic black Air Force Ones, the Great Beyond himself. I have awoken him from his offseason slumber and, according to custom, requested his views regarding the upcoming Raiders season opener this Sunday. Here is the message I received:
“You again! I see the Raiders have not killed your spirit just yet. In the entire time we’ve been doing this, the Raiders have won a grand total of zero playoff games, and yet every year fans huff that hopium and predict a Super Bowl win. At least you all have me to keep it real and be honest.
So, who you got this week? The Chargers? What, is your phone dead? Funny name for a team that has less juice than Minute Maid Lemonade.
Los Angeles made a well-publicized splash at head coach this offseason after sending noted football terrorist Brandon Staley to the glue factory, when they hired former San Diego, Stanford, 49ers and Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh. A Charger is another name for a warhorse, and we all know Harbaugh couldn’t coach apart from Stallions.
Santa Claus does not visit the children in Columbus, because he avoids Ohio at all costs, but that’s okay. Jim Harbaugh keeps a close watch on them, and he knows when they are sleeping, knows when they’re awake, knows if they’ve been bad or good and how often they run a screen on third and long.
Harbaugh’s tenure at every coaching job he’s had has ended unceremoniously, because Harbaugh has all the charisma of an ISIS beheading video and the only reason he’s famous is because he’s into football and not trains. Harbaugh has a job because he’s like an old computer guy who’s one of like six dudes in the country who knows how to code in COBOL and FORTRAN, but he never showers, and he plays anime dating sims in the IT room all day. I’d suggest that Harbaugh will be sh*tcanned from Los Angeles as well, except that everyone in Los Angeles is an insufferable, self-absorbed a**hole and so ol’ Jim might be one of the more pleasant people in the city.
Of course, Harbaugh hired Greg Roman as the Chargers OC, which means that at some point this season poor Justin Herbert is going to die. The Chargers have an awful roster top to bottom; without Herbert they are like Sublime without Bradley Nowell, and Easton Stick isn’t even good enough to be Rome. All of the Chargers’ best players are old or hurt, leaving Derwin James looking around an empty room like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
The Chargers’ offensive game plan will likely feature a heavy dose of the run game, but Gus Edwards and JK Dobbins have one functional ACL between them and have spent more time on the injured list than Greg Oden. If they were actual chargers, the horse kind, they’d have both been shot long ago. Dobbins’ season ended before it began last year, and he was subsequently scratched from the Preakness.
This game will not be pretty for Los Angeles. Maxx Crosby is going to set Joe Alt on fire at midfield and the Chargers simply don’t have the weapons to challenge the Raiders’ secondary. As good as Justin Herbert is, he’s going to be let down by his teammates harder than when Wile E. Coyote finally realizes he’s walking on air. This isn’t the Big Ten, where Harbaugh can feast on Rutgers and Illinois and coast to ten wins. This is the NFL, and the read option isn’t a surprise anymore, and Jim Tomsula is sitting at home just waiting for Harbaugh to f*** up so he can lead the Chargers to a top five draft pick. Too bad you can’t draft a new owner.
Raiders win, 23-21.
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