Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the one who knocks, the straw that stirs the drink, the rare medium who’s always well done, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today, pleased as punch about the Raiders’ unexpected road victory over a suddenly hapless Ravens team. To win a road game on the East Coast is rare for the Raiders, and doubly so when beating a team that could easily have won the AFC last season if their game plan wasn’t to abandon everything that made them good.
The win in Baltimore turned the Raiders’ season outlook from ‘Bleak’ to ‘Hmm, maybe…’. There are several winnable games on the horizon. The old Raiders would have dropped the Ravens game plus the majority of the easier games coming up, but these Raiders seem to be more resilient and able to win games they should win. It remains to be seen if they can live up to that.
This weekend’s game is indeed one of the more winnable games of the season, and so I’ve asked the Great Beyond yet again his views regarding this Sunday’s home opener for the Raiders. Here is the message I received:
“Well, I was way off, wasn’t I? Not that a blowout loss in Baltimore was an unpopular prediction for many fans, but the Raiders proved they’re not an easy out. Gardner Minshew conducted his own celebration of the Pac-12’s resurgence by letting Wazzu Gardner out to play, and he shredded the Ravens defense. Not that the Raiders had any other choice, since their offense runs about as well as a three-toed sloth with vertigo.
So who you got this week? Carolina? I don’t know if I have the heart for this. It’s like booing at the Special Olympics and it’s like putting a dead squirrel in the microwave. It’s like donating to the Green Party. Roasting the Panthers is as big a waste of time as the group stage of the World Cup. Nobody wants to spend three hours watching Macedonia lose 1-0 to a bored and unmotivated Brazil, which incidentally would be the greatest victory for Macedonia since Alexander the Great was still alive.
Ever since the NFL jettisoned former Commanders owner Dan Snyder into deep space, Panthers owner David Tepper has been the unquestioned worst owner in pro sports. Finance bros like Tepper shouldn’t be sports owners; they should be destroying the middle class from behind closed doors, so at least we don’t have to look at their ugly faces while they ruin the American Dream. Tepper is not only an idiot; he’s a meddlesome idiot with power, which is the worst kind of idiot.
At least the Panthers were competitive while owned by racist s*x pest Jerry Richardson, who helmed the team to two devastating Super Bowl losses. David Tepper has led the team to what may be the worst football trade of all time. The Bryce Young trade rivals the Minnesota-Dallas Herschel Walker trade, except for a couple things—namely, that the Vikings didn’t get substantially worse from it, while the Cowboys won three Super Bowls because of it.
The Panthers have gotten much worse, but the Bears aren’t going to be winning anything anytime soon.
Tepper is mostly known as an owner for throwing a beer at a fan on New Year’s Eve of 2023. When fans yelled at Mark Davis to fire Josh McDaniels, he took a few weeks, but he did just that. If a fan or group of fans would bother to yell at David Tepper to fire Dave Canales, he would probably hire some ninja cyborgs to kill them and their entire families. That’s why Mark Davis is cool and Tepper is a cartoon dictator with a tiny w****r. Tepper must think he bought the Chicago Bears, because that’s the only team he’s improved on so far. Tepper is just Les Grossman from Tropic Thunder without the charisma or the dance moves.
In recent years, the Panthers have gutted their team, trading away stars like Christian McCaffrey, DJ Moore, and Brian Burns and bringing in few players of any note. Any player who joins the Panthers gets immediately worse because their coaching staff combines the talent of the 10 AM shift at your local strip club with the competence of the Minneapolis Police Department. The only players the Panthers’ coaches are going to make better are Zamir White and the Raiders’ offensive line.
About fourteen years ago, the Panthers took a quarterback first overall, and he revolutionized the game and brought Carolina back to prominence. But Cam Newton was a man amongst boys, a physical specimen, a literal superman who won’t be as appreciated as he should be because he decided not to dive for a fumble in the Super Bowl.
Last year’s first overall pick for Carolina looks like a middle schooler, can’t see over his offensive line, has no confidence, and doesn’t have a Nick Saban recruiting his offensive line and receivers and covering for his mistakes. If you’re going to look like Doug Flutie, you had better play like Doug Flutie. Bryce Young looks like Darren Sproles and plays like Easton Stick.
This is exactly the kind of game the Raiders of a few years ago would have lost, coming out flat and committing costly turnovers. This year’s Raiders are probably not going to do that, but the Panthers are so bad it might not matter anyway. If Florida State successfully leaves the ACC, the Panthers will be the odds-on favorites to replace them while the Seminoles take their rightful spot in the Sun Belt.
Starting Andy Dalton in this game is elder abuse. The man is 87 years old. He voted for Dwight Eisenhower. A well-placed hit from Maxx Crosby or Robert Spillane could legitimately kill him. Most players’ pregame routine involves an ice bath, a saline IV, and Toradol. Dalton’s routine is Ben-Gay and Metamucil and buying insurance against ninja cyborg attacks from Colonial Penn.
Raiders win, 31-13.
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