Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the mic rula, the old schoola, the man who makes the homies say “ho” and the girlies wanna scream, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today pleased that the Raiders overcame the Browns in their last game, but disappointed that Vegas’ star receiver, Davante Adams, has decided he wants to take his ball and go play elsewhere.
While I cannot blame him for not wanting to continue catching passes from the football equivalent of the White Sox bullpen, this only goes to cement my notion that wide receivers are nothing more than 13-year-old girls in men’s bodies, and there is nothing more evil or contemptible in this world than a 13-year-old girl.
Even so, the Raiders must go on, with or without Adams, whom I hope gets traded to the Pirates for three minor league relievers and a player to be named later. You ask for the bull; you get the horns. Concerning the Raiders’ upcoming game, I have once again reached out to the Great Beyond for his views regarding what shall befall the Raiders this weekend.
“It was nice to see the Raiders do what the justice system could not and totally bury Deshaun Watson last week. Watson’s lawyers did a better job of protecting him than his offensive line did. If only Watson had gone to prison so he could get the same consideration he gave all those masseuses. Anyway, who you got this week? Denver?
You really gotta feel for the Broncos’ front office. The sudden retirement of Andrew Luck left them with no quarterback of the future. They panicked and traded the moon for Russell Wilson, but OJ Simpson had a more successful Bronco ride than Russ did. Nobody will ever remember any touchdown pass Russ threw, but they will remember him being clowned on by Patrick Star.
The Broncos are owned by Wal-Mart, which is appropriate since they are the Great Value approximation of a football team. Like Walmart, the Broncos have everything: receivers who can’t catch, quarterbacks who can’t throw, running backs who can’t run, and offensive linemen who can’t block. They also have a coach who can’t coach, considering the team has not seen one iota of improvement since Sean Payton arrived and if anything has gotten worse.
You go to Wal-Mart because their presence has killed every bit of competition they have. You watch the Broncos because the league put them on Thursday night against the Dolphins or whoever in what is a football-like substance but promises to be one of the worst games ever played, much like Wal-Mart appears to be a grocery store but is actually a soul-sucking hive of depression whose fans are every bit the same toothless, hillbilly, smooth-brained failures who root for the Broncos.
Denver acts like they’re a quarterback away from success at all times, when in reality they’re a quarterback away from even more disappointing losses to the Chiefs like the Chargers are having now. The Chiefs, since 2015, have more Super Bowl wins (3) than losses to the Broncos (2). I don’t mean to blow smoke up KC’s a**, because Tony Romo does that for me, but even the Raiders have beaten KC more than that.
The Broncos had such an emergency at quarterback in 2020 that they started Kendall Hinton, an undrafted wide receiver, at QB. Hinton is just barely not the worst quarterback in Broncos history because Paxton Lynch exists. The Broncos had such an emergency at quarterback in the 2024 offseason that they drafted Bo Nix three rounds too early and also signed Zach Wilson on purpose.
Can you imagine paying Zach Wilson real American dollars to play football? Zach Wilson is the 7-11 hotdog of quarterbacks. Yes, he looks like a QB, and yes, you can get him, but you’re going to bleed out your butthole after the fact. Wilson is most known for having relations with other people’s moms. Zach Wilson went to BYU. If he keeps having sex with older women who can’t bear children, who is going to live on his planet in the Mormon afterlife? It will be as barren as Wilson’s trophy case when he retires. Wilson is surely handsome enough to attract younger women, unless they are Jets fans who know who he is already. They will swipe left on him, just like the Broncos should have done.
Denver is an overpriced, overrated hellscape populated by snow bunnies and strung-out junkies, a place where people celebrate that their forebears were too cowardly to finish moving west by going over the Rocky Mountains into greener pastures beyond. It’s a place where wealth is presumed and drugs are a personality. Those unlucky enough to be football fans in Denver have fallen for the trap of believing in Deion Sanders, who like every bored housewife in Denver will drop his situation for a better one as soon as the opportunity arises. Colorado is the UC-Santa Cruz of states. Pretty and fun enough to be attractive, but painfully weird and morally bankrupt.
The Broncos have never beaten the Las Vegas Raiders, and they aren’t going to start now. Bo Nix’s favorite receiver is the ground, and his WR2 is a guy sitting in the fourth row. The drama in Vegas won’t be enough to keep them from beating down their division rival for the eleventy-sixth consecutive time.
Raiders win, 22-13.
*Top Photo: Getty Images
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