Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the poobah of prognostication, the sultan of sages, the father of foresight, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today fresh off another correct prediction of a Raiders loss to the Rams, and here we stand once again staring down the barrel of another lost season with our only consolation in sight being a high draft pick.
Our most ancient enemy stands before us, and to that end I’ve asked the Great Beyond for his thoughts regarding Sunday’s game against Kansas City.
“Travis Kelce does not know the meaning of the word quit. But to be fair, that is just one of thousands of words he does not know the meaning of.
It’s not surprising that Andy Reid’s sons haven’t risen farther in the NFL coaching ranks. Being a coach requires drive, and that’s difficult for the Reid boys.
The Chiefs, in their infinite wisdom, spent their first-round pick on Texas receiver Xavier Worthy, a man who can run faster than Rashee Rice in a Lambo through a crowded Dallas intersection. Worthy, like all Chiefs receivers, has the hands of a sea lion and couldn’t catch COVID in a Chinese bat enclosure. Xavier Worthy is a Make-A-Wish kid whose wish was to become Darrius Heyward-Bey.
The Chiefs want a new stadium to play in because GEHA Field is too embarrassing a name for an NFL team to use, so they’re threatening to relocate the team if Kansas City doesn’t foot the bill. The last time this many Chiefs left their ancestral home; Andrew Jackson sent them all to Oklahoma.
Patrick Mahomes’ taste in women is worse than his taste in steak, and he eats steak well done with ketchup.
I can understand why the Chiefs would want to leave Kansas City. It’s a nasty place full of crime, drug addiction, and Chiefs fans. You can’t even close a window in Kansas City without crushing a pair of hands.
When Andy Reid was born, the church didn’t baptize him; they just smashed a champagne bottle over his head. Reid stalks the sidelines during games, cosplaying as a book written by Mao Zedong, clutching that Cheesecake Factory menu he calls a play call sheet, bravely fighting his personal battle against quadrabetes, knowing that because life is like a box of chocolates, it will be over more quickly for him than for other people. The Chiefs elected not to include Reid’s picture in their 2024 media guide because that would have made the guide weigh 15 pounds. Andy’s sweat comes in mild, medium, and honey barbecue.
The last time Andy’s wife asked for 69, he made her an order of Kung Pao Shrimp. When Andy met his wife, he fell in love and broke it. Despite being married, Reid has Ho-Ho’s in many different area codes. Andy Reid is such a despicable family member; even his hair abandoned him when he was in his 20s. If Andy Reid hugged his kids the way he hugs a bucket of chicken, Kansas City-area inpatient rehabilitation facilities would be uninhabited today.
Reid is such a successful coach that many people have made their fortunes off of him. Clark Hunt, Patrick Mahomes, and the guy who owns Cinnabon are all substantially richer because of Coach Reid. Andy keeps his ridiculous moustache just to make sure none of his food tries to make a break for it. Andy says grace before every KC barbecue meal, which is ironic because the only reason he’s in Kansas City at all is that God hates Donovan McNabb.
Chiefs win, 36-16.
*Top Photo: Getty Images
DJ Glaze Shines For Las Vegas Raiders In Week 7 Vs Los Angeles Rams