Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the voice of the voiceless, the cream of the crop, the ultimate opportunist, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today after a long hiatus wherein both I and the Great Beyond had a much-needed break from the horrors of Raider football predictions, but now Raiderdamus is back with a vengeance and ready to lay the smack down on the candy a**** of all the other teams who pray after touchdowns and don’t commit personal fouls. Let the slaughter begin.
As is my custom, I entreated the Great Beyond this week for his opinion regarding the Raiders’ upcoming game in New England. Here is the message I received:
“You again? I thought we were done here; surely a man can only take so much mediocre football. But I do recall that Browns and Jets games are sold out, so perhaps that isn’t true. Who you got this week? The Patriots? It’s a good thing they got their six rings when Raiders owner Tom Brady played for them, because the current group are the worst Patriots since Benedict Arnold.
The Patriots’ current title drought is going on six years. If the drought lasts another ten years, it will be old enough for Bill Belichick to start dating it. Belichick is known as a defensive genius, but he couldn’t even defend himself against the most obvious gold digger since Anna Nicole Smith. Jordon Hudson is living proof that witchcraft is real, but she didn’t even bewitch the real Kraft. Belichick is lucky that he’s balding, because if he had hair, Jordon would cut it off while he was asleep so the Philistines could conquer Chapel Hill.
New England, for the first time in ages, made a wise first-round draft pick in 2024 with the selection of Drake Maye. However, they decided to do an Andrew Luck Career Speedrun with Maye by giving him a mediocre offensive line, one that would make David Carr piss his pants. This year the Patriots tried to bolster their offensive line by drafting LSU tackle Will Campbell, a man who can easily sail through No-Fap November due to the fact that his arms are too short for him to reach his own d***.
Maye’s targets, should he remain upright long enough to throw a pass, are Kayshon Boutte, who hasn’t been good since he was 19, and Stefon Diggs. Diggs heard that -155 was the Patriots’ money line, and then he tried to snort it. The Pats also have something called an “Efton Chism,” which I think is what happens when ghosts have s**. Maye’s best bet is to pass to rookie running back Treveyon Henderson, who may actually be fast enough to escape the stink of Ohio on him. It’s great that he won a national title last year, because it’s the last championship he’ll ever compete for.
I hope Jordon Hudson doesn’t want kids, because ol’ Bill isn’t known for producing the finest progeny. Steve Belichick is to football what Bronny James is to basketball, and nearly all the coordinators Bill had as his disciples over the years turned into catastrophic failures on their own:
Charlie Weis
Romeo Crennel
Eric Mangini
Jim Schwartz
Josh McDaniels
Matt Patricia
Brian Flores
Joe Judge
Al Groh
What a list. Saddam Hussein produced better leaders than this. Of course, the one that sticks out to Raider fans is McDaniels, who started off 6-0 as Denver head coach until the league cracked down on filming opposing teams’ practices, and then he lost almost every game after that until he was fired. McDaniels started off his Raiders tenure by telling an inquiring reporter that his favorite food was something called “Boston scrod,” which is a type of fish. Scrod was certainly the way Raider fans felt after watching McDipshit run the Raiders into the ground. It’s just such an odd choice for a favorite food, but it’s par for the course for a weirdo creep like McDaniels, who I’m sure owns a jar with a miniature My Little Pony inside it.
Regular England is not known for seasoning their food, but they are Malaysia compared to New England. The types of foods too spicy for New Englanders include salt, sugar, flour, ketchup, mayonnaise and water. New England prefers to keep things homogenous, and the only dark thing they like up there are bottles of Samuel Adams. New Englanders also like to throw bits of rubber onto sheets of cardboard and call it New Haven-style pizza.
All in all, the thing that New England has going for it the most is that it’s not New York and it’s not Ohio. The Patriots had a bajillion dollars in cap space this offseason because they didn’t have anyone on their team worth paying, and they used that money to buy the Raiders’ 2024 defense. Too bad they can’t buy the Raiders’ 2025 owner.
Raiders win, 26-20.
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*Top Photo: AP Photo/John Locher