The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders versus Chicago Bears game. It may contain offensive language or imagery and due to its content it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the chocolate fountain at your buffet, the breading on your mozzarella stick, and the syrup to your corn, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. The Raiders did not come through with a win on Monday against a formidable Chargers team, but this is a new week, and the Bears await in Week 5. The last time the Raiders played the Bears, it was a big win for the good guys on British soil. Can Las Vegas win again against Chicago?
I don’t know, so I consulted someone who does- the Great Beyond, who is wise beyond human comprehension. Like he does each week, Mr. Beyond sent me a message about the Raiders-Bears game, and here is what it said:
Last week did not go very well, did it? The Raiders started slower than a Ford Pinto on a street made of flypaper. But who ya got this week? The Bears? Well the Raiders may have slow starts, but I’m not sure the Bears even know what sport it is they’re supposed to be playing. Like real bears, the Chicago variety usually sleeps right through the winter.
Quarterbacks, More Like Quarterbusts
Chicago has boasted some of the greatest running backs in NFL history such as Gale Sayers and Walter Payton, as well as some of the best defensive players like Richard Dent, Mike Singletary, William “Refrigerator” Perry, and former member of WCW’s Four Horsemen, Steve “Mongo” McMichael. However, sustained success as a franchise eludes them because their quarterback play outside of a few stretches has been abysmal. The best quarterback in team history is arguably Sid Luckman who played against whatever men were too chickenshit to go fight in World War 2.
William Perry, the hulking defensive tackle, is one of only two real human beings to be made into GI Joe figures, the other being Sgt. Slaughter. Perry is the reason Walter Payton never got to score a touchdown in the Super Bowl and is the only GI Joe named after a kitchen appliance and the only GI Joe ever to contract diabetes.
The only quarterback to lead the Bears to a Super Bowl win is the great Jim McMahon, who waged a personal war against NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle over endorsements in his meathead jock idiom. McMahon was fined $5,000 for wearing an Adidas headband on game day, so the next week, he showed up with a headband that read “ROZELLE“. One cannot help but admire his gumption and wit. Long live Jim McMahon, who gave us a ‘stick it to the boss’ story we would not see again until Stone Cold Steve Austin feuded with Vince McMahon in the WWF in 1998.
The only other quarterback to lead the Bears to a Super Bowl loss is Rex ‘You Gotta Unleash The Dragon’ Grossman. A signal-caller who never saw a pass he didn’t think he could make, a man whose confidence in his arm is rivaled only by the confidence every man has that he can fix the kitchen sink pipes without calling the plumber. Screw paying a plumber, says Joe Everyman. I’ll do it myself! And that’s what Grossman said every time he saw a wideout double-covered on a nine route with a window about as large as a can of Folgers dark roast. And so, Sexy Rexy did his best to fit it in there, a choice which rarely went well for him, nor any amateur plumber in history.
The all-time Bears passing leader is Jay Cutler, who is on top due primarily to longevity and not because he was good. Smokin’ Jay should get a statue outside of whatever monstrosity the Bears erect in the Chicagoland suburbs or Gary, Indiana or the freezing depths of Lake Michigan or wherever their new stadium ends up. It should depict Cutler in bronze, cigarette hanging languidly from his mouth, with a cell phone in one hand and the other hand down his pants a la Al Bundy. It would be a fitting testament to how listless and uninteresting this franchise has become.
A New Place to Suck
The fact that the Bears are building a new stadium is a tragedy. The only thing cool about this team is that their stadium is called Soldier Field and not Focus Group Corporate Propaganda Park brought to you by These Uncertain Times. The recent renovations done to Soldier Field by the Bears were so misgiven, that the stadium was removed from the National Registry of Historic Landmarks. But it’s no mystery why the Bears want a new stadium, as they do not own Soldier Field. It is owned by Aaron Rodgers.
As irrelevant as they are now, the Bears were popular once. In the days of Springsteen, Metallica, way before Nirvana. There was U2, and Blondie, and music still on MTV. Just like someone who lived near Chernobyl, 1985 was the last time things were good in the life of a Bears fan before everything blew up.
Chicago’s quarterback woes continue to this very day. Mitch Trubisky was drafted second overall in 2017, ahead of Patrick Mahomes and some guy who shouldn’t try to get a massage ever again. Today, Trubisky makes the people of Chicago proud by not doing anything stupid while serving as the backup quarterback in Buffalo. The Bears signed quarterback Andy Dalton, who is the football equivalent of a 1993 Chevy Astro Van. Will it get you to where you want to go? Questionable! Will it blow up in the middle of the freeway? Possibly! Will you regret buying one? Absolutely!
Chicago’s current quarterback, until his arm inevitably falls off, is Ohio State alum Justin Fields. He should be named Justin Sidelines, as that’s where most of his passes end up. The “Field” part of football has eluded Justin thus far in his young career. Shamefully, Fields is being coached by Matt Nagy, who got to take credit for Alex Smith’s one good year in Kansas City under Andy Reid, just like Adam Gase takes credit for Peyton Manning in Denver and Mike Ditka got credit for Buddy Ryan’s defenses in Chicago. We all know who the real geniuses are, and Nagy ain’t one. However, Raider fans should be used to seeing a big, fast Ohio State quarterback who can’t throw and isn’t ready to play, being thrust out there due to a lack of better options. At least ours beat the Steelers once.
A Losing Tradition
Matt Nagy, Andy Dalton, and the Bears are all the same: safe, boring options that won’t be very good but could be pretty bad. For Bears fans, the C on the side of the helmet stands for Cope, which is all they can do until this franchise gets some better management that wasn’t born during the Taft administration. Maybe the reason the Bears hate to pass is that the McCaskey’s were around before that was legal and the Bears are nothing if not sticklers for tradition.
The Raiders, however, are starting their own tradition by beating the brakes off the Bears every chance they get. Raiders win, 19-10.
*Top Photo: Naomi Baker/Getty Images