The content of this article comes from the ridiculous mind of A.J. DeMello and is for entertainment and comedy purposes. Let’s analyze this Raiders draft class.
2018 Raiders Draft Class Reports With Real-ish Insights
Raiders Round 1 No. 15: Kolton Miller, OT, UCLA
Strengths:
•Exceptional balance and lateral ability
•Started all 13 games at left tackle, voted Second-team All-Pac-12
•Knows not to only fill-up at Shell
•Only 15 Quarterback hurries allowed in 544 snaps in 2017, (giving up 2 sacks, 8 hits & 5 hurries)
•Shows good control on reach blocks
•Lips profanity instead of yelling it
•Can get low despite his huge frame
•Got better as the season wore on
•Gained weight to help fill his frame for training camp
•High-effort plays to the whistle
Weaknesses:
•His pallet can’t take to skittles
•Plays with a high pad level
•Looks like he was born in a jumpy-house
•May need to redshirt for a year
•Lets rushers into his frame
•Inconsistent footwork
•Technique needs correcting
•Only one season as a left tackle
•Won’t STFU about pterodactyls
Raiders Round 2 No. 57: P.J. Hall, DT, Sam Houston State
Strengths
•86.5 TFL, 9 forced fumbles, 4 interceptions 14 blocked kicks & 42 sacks over four years
•2016 Southland Conference Player of The Year
•Two-time first-team FCS All-American
•Never went more than four quarters without making a play behind the line of scrimmage
•Goes by his initials
•Marks his opposing team’s obituals
•Can squat up to 700 lbs
•He’s the right kind of freak
•Makes RB’s ask their QB to stop with the dunk & dink
•Averaged 21.5 TFLs and 10.5 sacks a season
•Not a one trick pony; makes good in-game adjustments
•Experience lining up anywhere on the line, even as a standing outside rusher
•Looks up to Forest Gump
•Chases down RB’s that think they got the jump
Weaknesses
•Did not face NFL-bound offensive linemen until the end of his college career
•Went from 280 lbs in 2016 to weighing in at 310 lbs last season (currently listed at 308 lbs on the Raiders official site)
•May have trouble adjusting to the pros (also known as the Jihad-Whoa’s)
•Struggles to anchor against the run
•Doesn’t drink the rum
•Wakes up in the night with bleeding gums
Raiders Round 3 No. 65: Brandon Parker, OT, North Carolina A&T
Strengths
•Dominated the FCS; part of an O-line that ranked No. 1 in rushing for three straight seasons
•Part of an offensive line in 2017 that was No. 1 in scoring, first downs, fewest sacks allowed & fewest tackles for loss allowed
•Can hold his breath for nine minutes underwater
•Laughs while reading the police blotter
•Long arms
•Smart dude (has a degree in Engineering)
•Has seen all four Free Willy’s
•Smacks down beehives to keep up his agility
•Looks good in space, above average when he gets to the second level
•Started every game at LT for North Carolina A&T from 2015-17, where he was called for four total penalties (Voted Offensive-Lineman of The Year each of those seasons)
Weaknesses
•Eats string-cheese in games to feel emotionally decent
•Needs to improve his punch placement & timing on guys (hopefully Cable can teach him how to Bumaye)
•Needs to bulk up
•Played little to no games against high-level competition
•Only faced an FBS school a few times and didn’t perform well
•Gave up 2 sacks and 6 pressures at the Senior Bowl
•Refuses to eat Ho Hos
•Favorite ball player is Tsuyoshi Shinjo
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Raiders Round 3 No. 87: Arden Key, DE, LSU
Strengths
•Lengthy & Twitchy
•Quick-footed
•First Team All-SEC 2016 & 2017
•Can really sink hips and get low
•Compares to Jason Taylor
•Was thought of as a top-five pick not that long ago
•Very good get off & bend
•Makes Quarterbacks consider depends
•Can play with his hand in the dirt or standing up
•Unblockable as a sophomore, notching 12 sacks and 12.5 TFL
•Broke LSU’s single-season sack record
•May be the best pure pass-rusher in his class
•Puts some stank on the quarterback
•Exceptionally fluid in his dip
•Makes offensive-tackles bite their stupid lips
Weaknesses
•Not as effective in run support
•Had shoulder surgery on his own accord after leaving the team for personal reasons
•Started 2017 on the injured list after off-season super-secret shoulder surgery
•Checked himself into rehab for weed (for WEED)
•Gained most of his weight in tarts
•Celebrates by crouching over QB’s to fart
Round 4 No. 110: Nick Nelson, CB, Wisconsin
Strengths
•1st Team All-Big Ten, 2nd Team All-American
•Can play outside or in the slot
•Receivers tend to get got
•Mostly assigned to opposing teams’ best WR
•Physical
•Good short-area quickness
•Always makes it to the toilet
Weaknesses
•Will grab onto some WR’s
•11 total penalties (most in class) last year
•Hasn’t played against the best competition
•Needs to get better in run support
•Suffers from moist-ridden palms
•Zero career interceptions
•Refuses to use contraceptives
Round 5 No. 140: Maurice Hurst, DT, Michigan
Strengths
•Considered a 1st round talent despite going on day three of the draft
•Puts in a lot of hours in the film room
•Insanely quick get-off
•Already has plan to punk Jared Goff
•Has the highest PFF grade for any rookie defensive lineman coming out in four years
•Dominates in the leverage game
•Exploits inside gaps
•Most run stops (31) and QB pressures (49) among interior defensive linemen in 2017
•Second-highest percentage of positive plays against the run per PFF
•Breathes out bad breath
Weaknesses
•Struggles at times in the run game
•Not used to seeing bigger offensive-lineman
•Likes to sing Neil Diamond
•Needs to get better at disengaging
•Undersized, gets beat with the double-team
•Has a peculiar heartbeat
Round 5 No. 173: Johnny Townsend, P, Florida
Strengths
•Finished second in the FBS with a 47.5-yard gross average
•2017 Associated Press Second-Team All-American and First-team All-SEC honors
•Open to hazing
•Florida’s all-time leading punter
•Set a new career punting average of 46.2 yards
•Placed 27 punts inside the 20 last year and notched 27 punts of over 50 yards (with six over 60 yards)
•Can talk to shoes
•When he senses pressure he makes eye contact and drools
•Shows promise as a directional punter
•Practices Voodoo
•Lets fans use his Hulu
Weaknesses
•No kickoff experience
•Comes off as happy
•Lack of hang time
•Tends to out-kick his coverage
•Rumored to have bad-mouthed Lord Vader
•Wasn’t even a semifinalist In 2017 for the Ray Guy Award
•No one’s first choice
Round 6 No. 216: Azeem Victor, LB, Washington
Strengths
•Was one of the best middle linebackers in college
•Tracks down the ball carrier well
•Can lift weights while watching SAW
•Doesn’t shy away from contact
•Uses the sideline to his advantage
Weaknesses
•Doesn’t watch Shark Week
•Suspended for targeting
•Gets lost in coverage
•Didn’t have his head on straight; got a DUI and was suspended multiple times
•Disappeared in some games
•When he got heavy he lost quickness
•Instead of Azeem, people call him thickness
Round 7 No. 228: Marcell Ateman, WR, Oklahoma State
Strengths
•Big wingspan
•Can get up and pluck the football
•Runs a good comeback route
•Went over 1,000 yards receiving in last three years in college
•Natural hands
•Back shoulder catches on point
•Won the Barry Sanders award (the player who does most for his team for least recognition)
•Prefers waffles over pancakes
•Flys a helicopter made out of granite
•Went from averaging 17 yards per catch in 2016 to 19.6 yards per catch in 2017
•Good at improvising when a route breaks down
Weaknesses
•Has been in a few altercations with birthday clowns
•Doesn’t consistently play to his size
•Average acceleration
•His kids already sit for the pledge of allegiance
•More of a long-strider than a speed nuisance
•Used to have an alter-ego called Stanley Kubrick
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