The content of this article comes from the ridiculous mind of A.J. DeMello and just for entertainment and comedy purposes.
Securing your best player under contract always gets trickier year after year in the NFL, but this is insane.
When you think Silver & Black, you don’t exactly think of a scalpel and racks.
Now you have plenty of reason to.
Mark Davis was arrested this morning for selling kidneys from at least one player on the Raiders scout team.
“Look…we all want Khalil here. And there’s gotta be some sacrifice!” said Mark Davis, who according to a source, was heard yelling that to the Raiders staff while being handcuffed this morning.
Alameda County’s Sheriff’s Office released a statement today;
“We became aware of Mr. Davis’ scheme about a week ago when Raiders safety Obi Melifonwu came in complaining of a ‘lower body flare up’.
“Mark Davis will be held without bail while we conclude the rest of this investigation. The only thing positive about this is that the Raiders will have good reason for Melifonwu not contributing this year. It’s tough, but, he’ll recover. We think. But we really have no time table for that at this time. I mean, he hurt his shoulder just laying down on our table during our examination. Truly soft, this guy. We’re kind of surprised Mark Davis didn’t remove both kidneys. At least then he might actually have become useful to the team. Anyways…we will update you all in the coming days.”
Jon Gruden expressed his dismay in a very short statement:
“Look here man, when Mark said, ‘This team is going to be on the cutting edge’, I didn’t think he was talking about kidneys, man.”
“I’ll tell you one thing – I’m definitely not sleeping on my side anymore.”
Reggie McKenzie shrugged his shoulders when asked to comment. “It is what it is. I gave up one of my kidneys for my brother a while back, so obviously I couldn’t contribute. Mark did keep asking, though. And I thought CHUCKY was crazy…”
The Raiders owner was so desperate to get the former defensive player of the year signed that he’s rumored to have sold some of his own organs himself.
Mark Davis could’ve sold other things to the thirstiest fans in Raider Nation, yet he didn’t even sell one strand of hair from that forsaken bull cut.
Derek Carr took to Twitter to comment shortly after the news went public:
No other Raiders besides Melifonwu have come forward at this time.
Stay tuned. The ice in this tub ain’t melting, folks.