The scenarios and simulations are running amuck as we approach the annual extravaganza known as the NFL Draft. The Oakland Raiders own four picks in the top 35 that can assist with turning a moribund franchise around.
Now, this mock is vastly different from the seven-round version the Ramble put out this past weekend.
Let’s be clear: This one is satire. Plain and simple.
So let’s get to the mocking, shall we?
No. 4: Josh Allen, LB, Kentucky
Gruden manically tries to get the Raiders up to the No. 1 overall pick but doesn’t get there. (We’ll never know if it was Kyler Murray or Nick Bosa they were targeting). But alas, he stays at No. 4 and gets a guy he wants.
“Josh Allen is a grinder, man,” Gruden begins, “He had himself a heck of a college career. He’s going to be a great Raider, now. I tell ya, he’s got the moxie and the leadership to turn the Raiders around. His tape at Wyoming is outstanding. Jiminiky Christmas, he can make all the throws…”
Gruden trails off as Mayock informs him Josh Allen is — actually — the linebacker from Kentucky.
No. 24: Zach Allen, DL, Boston College
Gruden and Mayock added a pair of Browns (Antonio and Trent) and do the same with Allens in the first round. Despite getting Josh to fill the void at pass rusher, Gruden can’t stand the insistent clamoring of defensive coordinator Paul Guenther and satiates his assistant coach with the kid from Boston College.
Gruden’s Grind: “Paul kept pounding the table, man. This should keep his mouth shut for a while. What’s better than one Allen? Two.”
Mayock’s Musing: “Look, this kid when to Boston College, so you know he’s going to bust his butt. I know, because I’m a BC cat too.”
No. 27: Jeffery Simmons, DL, Mississippi State
The talented Mississippi State defensive lineman doesn’t fall out of the first round despite a torn ACL, after all. With the Raiders on the clock, Gruden decides once and for all he doesn’t want to hear another peep out of Pauly G.
Gruden’s Grind: “This kid will help us. Gabe (Jackson) put in a good word for Jeff and he’s gonna give us another stud three-down lineman. Look, Jerry (Jones) took an injured kid in Jaylon Smith No. 34 overall and how’s that turning out?”
Mayock’s Musing: “This is what a Raider looks like. Sure, he’s got a busted wheel, but when that gets right, we’ll be right when you guys grade this draft.”
No. 35: Andy Isabella, WR, UMass
With three-straight defensive picks, the Raiders turn to offense. Gruden is obsessed with emulating the (Bill) Belichick Way – hence him trading Khalil Mack and Amari Cooper and getting a bounty of picks in return – and continues to go Bill the Butcher with this pick.
Gruden’s Grind: “I stole a Patriot from their own backyard. This kid from UMass can run all the routes and make all the catches. Derek is going to love this guy, man.”
Mayock’s Musing: “I said it from the start: We need to surround Derek Carr with more weapons. We got a lethal weapon in Isabella. Plus, he’s from Massachusetts. You know Bill loves the kid, and hates we got him.”
No. 106: Will Grier, QB, West Virginia University
The temptation was too hard to resist for Gruden – you know he’s going to take a quarterback. The West Virginia signal caller is confident and a leader. Seeing as how the QB room changed drastically after preseason last season, expect more of the same in 2019.
Gruden’s Grind: “We need some life in our quarterback room other than Derek. Grier’s got will, man. He looks like Baker and throws like him, too.”
Mayock’s Musing: “It’s my job as GM to make sure our football team has quality depth at every position. Will does that for us. Grier is aggressive and will look for the deep shot than the safe check down.”
No. 140: Bryce Love, RB, Stanford
Both the Raiders head coach and GM stressed the team’s need for speed and the Stanford tailback brings that in spades. Like Simmons, he too is recovery from an ACL tear, but Love would add some juice to the running backs room — when healthy.
No. 218: Hunter Renfrow, WR, Clemson
The Clemson Tiger isn’t going to dazzle you with size and speed, but he’s caught the eyes of both Gruden and Mayock for being sure-handed and creating separation with keen route running ability in the slot.
No. 235: Donald Parham, TE, Stetson
The Stetson tight end is a freak athlete with wheels and at 6-foot-8, he’d make a red zone terror if developed properly. And Gruden can’t have enough pure receiving tight ends on the roster (see Daren Waller).