Raiders looking for source of “Fumes”

The content of this article comes from A.J. DeMello and is for entertainment and comedy purposes.

Some are wondering why Raiders head coach Jon Gruden and general manager Mike Mayock sent all their scouts home before the oncoming 2019 NFL Draft.

Apparently, there were some ‘fumes’ around the Raiders war room.

A source close to the situation reveals that Gruden stopped a rather spirited discussion on Wednesday to say “I hate to ask this, but, which one of you just barked a spider?”

Mayock then intently added that “We’re just trying to find the leak(s), here.”

When Raleigh McKenzie replied with “Whoever smelt it, dealt it,” Gruden hurriedly ripped a box of jelly donuts from him. Then, punctured each donut with a ballpoint pen.

“I’m gonna bleed these for information.”

Fast forward to now

The Raiders brass is not going to mess around with this draft. Not only are they not having the scouts around, but they removed 307 cans of beans from their facility last night.

“We can’t have any contaminated air in the building before the draft. You don’t know how hard it is! I JUST convinced Mayock to not open a window when I turn off the air conditioning.”

Tom Cable locked in a room until Sunday

“We got a job to do,” said Mayock.

“And sometimes that requires making tough decisions. MAYBE we let Cable out after we sign some undrafted players, but we got to wait and see. Either way, we’re giving him roast beef and every day we bring in Bill Romanowski to play bloody knuckles. I mean, are you not entertained?”

Raiders have artillery of picks

Picks #27 and #35 could be used to move up back into the top 15 if the Raiders see value drop out of the top ten.

I have no new information so I will just repeat it in effort to sound like I’m setting up a conclusion – which I am not. Who knows what will happen; maybe Oakland owner Mark Davis cuts off Gruden’s hand and tells him to call him “Dad.”

The draft can’t get here soon enough.

For more of A.J.’s humor follow him on Twitter @humorousfiend

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