The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain coarse or offensive language and is unsuitable for the elderly, small children, or those with heart conditions.
Another week of Raiders prophecies
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, your hero, your paragon of virtue, the man who wields the English language like a laser-guided missile, your Christmas Prince, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. Hope you’re having a wonderful Christmas Day watching basketball as your significant other watches mediocre Christmas movies on Netflix or the Hallmark Channel. I also hope you got everything you wanted this year. Also, Merry Christmas to everyone, except the Kansas City Chiefs.
I come before you today despondent. For as the Great Beyond correctly predicted a Raiders loss to the Chargers. Mercifully, this Las Vegas team will only play two more games this season. One will be on Saturday night, and the Great Beyond has shared his concerns about the outcome. Here is his message:
“Well, that was a pretty close game with the Chargers last week! The Flyin’ Hawaiian almost pulled it out. It’s good to see the Raiders used that $8 million correctly. On to the next one, who you got this week? The Dolphins? It’s almost too easy to bust on a team that has recently been at the top less than Skid Row.”
The Dolphins’ future looks bright
In Miami, everything is stuck in the ’80s, the temperature, the age of the residents, and the last time the Dolphins were any good. The only reason Miami gets cool is because they’ve been in New England’s shadow for the last two decades. The NHL next season is going to allow sponsorships on the players’ helmets to offset lost revenue. I think the NFL should do this as well. The Japanese whaling industry must be backing the Patriots up because of their brutal treatment of the Dolphins.
The Dolphins started this season with Ryan Fitzpatrick at quarterback. Then, they realized what a massive mistake it is to stick with him for more than one season. Fitzpatrick went to Harvard and was the school’s starting quarterback upon its founding in 1636. He fought bravely in the Revolutionary War, defeating the British 28-24.
Recently, the Dolphins have moved on to start their promising rookie quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa. Many pundits picked ‘Tua’ as a potential top overall pick before his severe hip injury. The phrases “Tank for Tua” and “Blow for Joe” come to mind, but it seems all along it should have been “Hurt for Herbert”.
Still, Tua looks to be a franchise starter for Miami, something they haven’t had since Dan Marino’s final game, a 62-7 loss to the Jaguars in the 1999 Playoffs. The Dolphins have been similarly fortunate in the draft in recent years. They landed presumed top overall pick Laremy Tunsil in 2016. That year, an alarming video of Tunsil partaking in the ol’ jazz cabbage showed up just before the draft began. No one has benefitted that much from a gas mask since the French Army at Ypres in 1914.
Related: Is Raiders Coaching Staff Unable To Develop Talent?
Tua looks like the Dolphins best quarterback in a while
Tagovailoa played in college for Nick Saban, who has some history with the Dolphins. Under his watch, Miami signed Daunte Culpepper instead of Drew Brees. They then fell into a spiral of mediocrity and despair from which they have only recovered in the last two months. Saban bailed on the Dolphins to go back to the college ranks, where he rules with an iron fist. No one has performed that poorly and then run away since the French Army under Napoleon after the invasion of Russia in 1812.
For years, Miami fans were anticipating their middling quarterback, Ryan Tannehill, to develop into a franchise player. “It’s Tannehill’s breakout year!” they said, every year from 2013-2019. And then, last year, Tannehill became a franchise quarterback as soon as the ‘Phins’ traded him to the Titans. We haven’t seen a breakout like Tannehill’s since John Dillinger escaped from an Indiana prison in 1934. Some Miami fan clearly made a wish on a monkey’s paw when it comes to Tannehill. Sure he’ll be a franchise quarterback, just not for you. Go put on your Jay Fiedler jersey and be sad.
Several years ago, the Dolphins signed the corpse of Jay Cutler in a desperate attempt to solve their quarterback woes. That was a perfect fit for a team that doesn’t care about football while it sits at the bottom of the AFC South. If the Dolphins cared about football, they wouldn’t have hired Adam Gase, who is to coaching what Flavor-Aid is to sweetened beverages. I am convinced the Dolphins’ hire of Gase was a deliberate attempt to sabotage the Jets, who are the only other team stupid enough to hire Gase after his firing in Miami.
Unfortunately for the Raiders, these Dolphins are playing at a high level now under Brian Flores, who should win Coach of the Year. The Raiders are going to be without several starters again. Whether the Raiders win is ultimately irrelevant in the playoff picture and will only serve to determine their draft slot. It’ll be interesting to see how the defense looks as Rod Marinelli has more than two days to prepare for this game.
Miami wins, 30-16.
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Top Photo: David Zalubowski/Associated Press
