The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain indecent or offensive language and/or imagery and due to its content it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the grilled onions on your Polish sausage, the tater tots in your casserole, and the World’s Most Dangerous Hermit, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today ecstatic about the Raiders’ past victory, and I look forward to many more this year as head coach Bill Goldberg leads the Silver and Black on a playoff push.
But it is a new week, and the Raiders play a team down on their luck. Can the Raiders stomp their opponents out as they should, or will they play down to the level of competition and come up short? As is tradition, I’ve consulted with the Great Beyond to find out. Here is what he said:
“Looks like the Raiders really kicked butt on Sunday. It was nice to see the Raiders look like a functional team, instead of a ship with a stubborn captain about to plow into an iceberg. Who you got this week? The Eagles? Oh, good, this will be as much fun as booing Santa or throwing batteries at referees.”
Phila-elphia
Philadelphia (the largest city in Pennsylvania) is one of the dozen or so cities in the U.S. with four major pro sports teams. Normally, when fans of one team are having a down year, they can take solace in one of the other teams. Unfortunately for Eagles fans, the other three teams they have are the Flyers, the Phillies, and the Sixers. Things are so bad for the Sixers that they recently suspended forward Ben Simmons for not participating in a defensive drill. Simmons would love to be shipped out of Philly, but the Sixers instead are reportedly considering trading him to the Eagles, where they don’t practice any defensive drills at all.
Over the Eagles’ near 100 years of existence, they have had one shining moment of success, making us proud by smashing Tom Brady’s Patriots in Super Bowl 52. One of the plays they used to secure this victory was called the Philly Special, a tight end pass to the quarterback. I was surprised when I heard this name because I’d always thought the Philly Special was when you get a tribal tattoo, smoke some meth, and pick a fight with a police horse after the Phillies lose another playoff game. But congrats to the Eagles anyway for this, as they now only have two fewer Super Bowl rings than the other teams in their division.
Fly, Owls, Fly
A few years ago, Philly’s favorite football team won ten games and their division en-route to the conference championship game. Now, if only the Eagles were as good as Temple, they’d have something going. This week, Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts will be facing the reasons he was successful at Alabama- Josh Jacobs, Kenyan Drake, and Henry Ruggs III. Hurts is aptly named, as that’s what he does to the Philly fanbase with his erratic play. Philly fans aren’t yet over the loss of Carson Wentz, who helped the Philadelphia school system move into the 21st century by teaching the kids that North Dakota is a state.
The Eagles’ head coach is someone named Nick Sirianni, who I am convinced is not a real person. Instead, he’s a rejected Joe Pesci character or perhaps one of the Goodfeathers from the Animaniacs. Eagles fans are used to revering fictional characters in their sports culture. After all, they have a statue of Rocky instead of Joe Frazier, a real champion boxer who is actually from their city.
It’s Always Overcast in Philadelphia
The media reinforces the image of Philadelphia as a chaotic place. There was a show many years ago where a young man was beaten up in Philadelphia. He then had to move to California to escape his bullies and bad influences. There is a show currently on television where several lunatics terrorize the city and lie about the weather.
Oh, and there was a movie called Philadelphia where an HIV-positive man dies slowly, presumably from watching the Eagles play. And there was a movie that won a Best Picture Oscar about a Philadelphia boxer who fought well but lost. That is the eternal legacy of Philadelphia: hard-working lunatic bullies who fight hard but are ultimately losers. Even their most famous landmark is broken. The wuss-rock band that shares the football team’s name is more popular than they are and has far more big hits than the Eagles football team will ever have.
Before Sirianni, the Eagles’ coach was Doug Pederson, an alright coach but about as exciting as a ham sandwich. Pederson had success by copying everything Andy Reid did. Before Pederson was coach Chip Kelly, who came to Philadelphia, fostered a hostile culture, ruined the organization with questionable financial choices, and then left for California. So he was just like the dad of every Eagles fan.
Eat at Joe’s
Philadelphia citizens have a lot of pride in their city; for reasons, I can’t imagine. Philly’s chief gift to the world is the cheesesteak. Do you know what a cheesesteak is? It is a sandwich, and those were invented in England in 1762, but Philly acts as if they masterminded it. No, the only thing you dumbasses invented was a way to ruin a perfectly good cow by putting Cheez Whiz on it. Philly fans have demonstrated that they will eat horse poop, with or without the Whiz.
Eagles are the symbol of our country: beautiful, proud beasts who soar gracefully in the sky. But if you ask anyone who deals with eagles, they’ll tell you that eagles are loud, obnoxious scavengers who love to screech and knock over garbage cans. Basically, a general nuisance, just like Philly fans. They are the Facebook comment section of life.
Before they started playing at Lincoln Financial Field, the Eagles played in Veterans Stadium. The stadium famously had a jail in the basement, just so Eagles fans could go somewhere and act like they’ve been there before.
The one place Philly has been before, many times, is in the top ten of the draft order. And they’ll surely be there again, with them owning Miami’s pick and their own this year. The Raiders have already beaten Miami and will do their best to help Philly pick twice in the top five. The draft is the only place Philadelphia ranks in the top five of anything.
Raiders win, 31-26.
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*Top Photo: Michael Clemens/Las Vegas Raiders