The following is a work of satire and humor about the upcoming Raiders vs. Giants game. It may contain offensive words or imagery and as a result it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the lemon in your tea, the grease in your bacon, and the sword in your stone, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. It has been a long and eventful bye week for Raiders fans, culminating in the most horrific of circumstances with Henry Ruggs III throwing his life away and the life of an innocent woman on Tuesday morning. Raiderdamus’ job around here is to bring the funny, but there is no way to be funny about a tragedy of this magnitude. We will get to the Giants shortly, but not before a short message.
Everywhere we go in this country we see messages telling us not to drink and drive. It’s a concept that ought to be easy enough to follow. And while the drink itself might try to convince us that we ourselves are invincible, the fact remains that we are not, nor are the people we could potentially hurt. One does not get behind the wheel, impaired, and think about the middle aged mother of three or the young woman with her whole life ahead of her or the six year old boy whose chief concern is getting through first grade, that might be on the wrong end of your stupid decisions. But they will suffer, not because of what they did, but because someone they don’t even know did something monumentally idiotic. That is the greatest injustice I can imagine, one that no amount of prison time can ever make right, and one that will eat the conscience forever.
Sometimes we as humanity need lessons shoved in our face to reinforce the morals that we know so well, but seem inconvenient in the moment. Don’t let the lesson of this week go to waste. Never forget what happened, and never let it happen to you or the innocent people you don’t even know about yet. I pray you never know them.
Truth be told, the Raiders could use another bye week to get their minds right after Ruggs’ crash and subsequent release from the team, but that is not an option. They still must play this weekend, and no one would fault them if they were not in game shape from a mental standpoint. We saw a distracted Raider team lose to both the Bears and Chargers. But what about this week? As is customary, I have asked the Great Beyond to send a message regarding the outcome of Sunday’s game.
You’re back again! The Raiders’ total annihilation of the Eagles was impressive, but is just about the last thing on anyone’s mind right now. Derek Carr should be answering questions about how the team will attack the Giants, but instead he’s gotta deal with “what about your old bigoted coach” and “what about your good friend who just killed a girl with his car”. And the family of that poor lady has to watch the Raiders go about their business as best they can, while the family may never be able to just move on. Never let anyone tell you life is fair. Rain falls on the just and the unjust. We just do the best we can.
But for us fortunate ones who have the luxury to simply move on, there is a game on Sunday. Who you got this week? The Giants? Let’s get to it, and channel our pain and anger into humor, where they belong.
Big Blue Wrecking Hopes and Dreams
The New York (Football) Giants, who keep that distinction even though the superior New York (Baseball) Giants moved to San Francisco in 1956, are the Audi of football teams. They have four rings and their fanbase primarily consists of jerkoffs who want something shiny that will break down and disappoint them. The Giants are one of the main reasons that the NFL schedules terrible NFC East games on prime time over and over, year after year. NBC can’t wait to have their Sunday night crew slobber all over some garbage Giants vs. Football Team game on a random November weekend even if both teams have a win percentage around .200, which is a regular occurrence. These teams remind us that large East Coast cities are why God invented hurricanes.
Most astonishing amongst the Giants’ accomplishments in their 96 years of existence is the Make-A-Wish career of Eli Manning. It’s crazy how a man as awkward and simple as Manning won two Super Bowls, especially since he never won a single playoff game outside of those two playoff runs. It does make a little sense, because Patriots coach Bill Belichick has made a career out of outthinking his opponents, but even a master of the game cannot outthink a man who does not think at all.
It seems in fact that Manning’s time as a Giant was simply a chrysalis from which he emerged this year in his final form, as a football commentator with his even more awkward older brother on ESPN2.
Another former Giants player who struggles with critical thinking is Jason Pierre-Paul, who blew off several fingers in 2015 in a July 4 fireworks accident. While Pierre-Paul healed up and returned to football in short order, for a time he had more blood on his hands than Governor Andrew Cuomo.
His Heart Was Three Sizes Too Small
Recently, Giants owner John Mara, bluest of the blue blood owners, a man whose father was literally named Wellington, came under fire for his statements regarding the league’s more stringent taunting rules. Mara said on record, “Nobody wants to see a player taunting another player. I know, I certainly don’t. I think the rest of the members of the competition committee feel the same way, too.”
The competition committee is almost assuredly alone in that respect. I don’t want to live in a world where two pelvic thrusts are okay, but three thrusts draw a flag. I want to live in a world where a 350-pound defensive tackle can scoop and score with a fumble recovery, and then bend over and make his butt cheeks talk like Ace Ventura. Oh, I also want team celebrations with full choreography. I want players studying a 1997 VHS copy of Darren’s Dance Grooves for taunting ideas. I want every NFL game to look like You Got Served. The NFL would do well to remember that they are in the entertainment business. Here we are now, entertain us.
Other things Mara is a big fan of include the compulsory military draft, corn flakes, the Yahoo search bar and the Bowl Championship Series.
Mara being the kind of Dudley Do-Right upper class twit that he is, has hired a series of disastrous coaches, none of whom could possibly have inspired any confidence in a fanbase that at this point wishes they had the leadership of the Jaguars. Tom Coughlin was essentially the gym teacher from Beavis and Butthead, while Ben McAdoo is the kind of guy who hits on moms at little league baseball games. Current coach Joe Judge, however, has reached a new level of mouth breathing ineptitude that will digest the Giants fan base over the next thousand years.
Joe Judge is the type of guy who cried at every episode of Friday Night Lights. He sexually identifies as a PT Cruiser and studies Spanish on Duolingo so he can order at Taco Bell without looking like a tourist. Joe Judge had the cops called on him for holding up a boombox playing In Your Eyes below his ex-wife’s bedroom window. Joe Judge’s mom leaves his texts on read and had a panic attack when Craigslist took away the personal ads section. He has a closet full of Saliva concert tees and thinks chocolate milk comes from brown cows.
Throwing Dimes Away
When the Giants drafted Daniel Jones out of Duke, they hoped he would provide the same kind of spark that Patrick Mahomes gave the Chiefs. Well, thanks to Mahomes’ recent run of turning the ball over constantly, the two are pretty similar these days. Jones throws a pretty ball that usually goes to the opposing team. He hasn’t provided a spark like Mahomes, but he’s pretty close to the sort of spark Dave Krieg gave the Seahawks back in the day, when Krieg’s tiny hands made him the all time leader in fumbles lost. Jones is well on his way to holding that auspicious record, in addition to falling down while running more often than Shaggy and Scooby.
Jones does have talent, and his main skill is that he is not Dwayne Haskins, but we’ll probably never get to see what he can really do because the Giants’ offensive line is atrocious. Giants GM Dave Gettleman may be even more of a Poindexter dweeb than Judge himself, and couldn’t put together a team if you spotted him the T and the E. Drafting Saquon Barkley gave the Giants a shred of excitement and explosiveness, but he’s proven to be as fragile as Odell Beckham Jr’s ego, and the Giants have a profound lack of effective skill position players. They are going nowhere fast and need a top to bottom overhaul, one they will never get under their current aristocratic ownership.
This would seem to be the perfect place for a Raiders team to not have their head in the game after a cross country team and fall on their face against an awful team. We’ve seen them do it before. But this team might be different. They might just be able to channel their feelings into something positive, remain focused, and treat these Giants like the doormat they are.
Raiders win, 24-20.