The following is a work of humor and satire about the upcoming Raiders vs. Football Team game. It may contain offensive language or imagery, and as a result, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the salt on the rim of your margarita, the 7-Up in your Shirley Temple, and the hot in your toddy, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today hopeful, fresh off a correct prediction of a Raiders victory over the Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day by the Great Beyond. Due to the overall mediocrity of the AFC, the Raiders are in prime position to compete for a playoff spot, and this week is one of the weeks they absolutely must win in order to achieve that goal.
But will the Raiders be victorious this week? To that end, I’ve once again contacted the all-knowing Great Beyond and asked him to send me a message regarding this Sunday’s game. Here is the message I was sent:
“In an area that boasts Congress, the CIA, the NSA, the FBI, the DEA and the FDA, the Washington Football Team still manages to be the slimiest, scummiest, least personable organization in the nation’s capital.”
Let The Games Begin
Imagine, if you will, that you are sitting at the head of your dining room table. You are nearing the end of an eight-hour long game of Monopoly. Due to your shady handling of the B&O Railroad, your wife and son are no longer speaking to you. Your youngest daughter, an innocent and tender-hearted child, lands on Boardwalk, which you own. Rent is $2000 because you have a hotel on it.
The sweet little angel sitting next to you only has $300 to her name. She implores you in the sweetest of voices, if she might not have to pay rent this time, as she is but one space away from Go. You look down at this little one, the very apple of your eye, and you say to her with all the love for her that you bear in your heart, “No. I win. Game over, go to bed.”
This is what it is like to be Washington owner Dan Snyder. You own everything you ever wanted to own, you have made all your dreams come true, but you have paid the ultimate price while also being the world’s biggest asshole. Everyone hates you and you’re also the inspiration for Charles Dickens to write A Christmas Carol. You are the mascot for Slytherin House in Harry Potter. You are the reason the French Revolution took place.
When Dan Snyder purchased the Washington Indigenous Persons franchise a little over 20 years ago, he was adamant that the team would never change its name. Yes, it was indeed a racial slur, but Snyder could have at least been principled about it. He could have stood for something. Instead, Snyder cut bait as soon as it became financially convenient for him to do so which occurred when team sponsors threatened to pull funding if Snyder did not change the name. And, being the spineless bitch that he is, Snyder changed the name to the silliest thing imaginable- the Washington Football Team.
This should open up a number of false advertising claims. First of all, they play in Maryland, in a run-down stadium that you have to take two trains, a bus, a canoe and a zipline to even reach. There is a Wendy’s three blocks from the stadium, and no other amenities. It is without question the worst fan experience in all of professional football. Snyder built a cigar bar inside the stadium, even though smoking indoors in public spaces is illegal in Maryland.
Secondly, I have watched a number of games involving this franchise over the past few years and I don’t know what it is they are doing out there, but I do know it’s not football and they aren’t a real team.
There is Unrest in the Forest, There is Trouble With the Trees
In 2005, Snyder strong-armed the National Parks Department into cutting down 130 trees on federally protected land near his mansion so that he would have a better view of the Potomac River. In 2009, following a horrific economic recession, he sued dozens of season ticket holders for no longer being able to make payments on their seats. Then, in 2013, the team’s cheerleaders were sent to Costa Rica, where they had their passports taken away and were forced to take part in a topless photo shoot for team sponsors, and then were essentially pimped out to said sponsors as escorts to a local night club. Snyder reportedly told the team’s cheerleading director that, “You better keep them skinny with big tits or I’ll fucking kill you”. Today, thankfully, the team no longer has a cheerleading squad.
The cheer squad is hardly the extent of the Football Team’s issues with women. It’s been widely reported that Washington’s female employees were subject to rampant daily harassment, with a bare-bones HR department unable to handle the problem. Washington for the last two decades has been run like the most unseemly of frat houses, with no adults in the room to curb any bad behavior. Snyder is the biggest frat boy of all, and he’s a billionaire so he gets what he wants in the end.
Unfortunately for Washington fans, Snyder is also too stupid to want good things. He wanted Albert Haynesworth, Deion Sanders and Steve Spurrier, and with his unlimited money he got them. He wanted Donovan McNabb, and he got him, although he was third string within a month of joining Washington.
The one good decision Snyder has made recently was hiring Ron Rivera as head coach. Unfortunately, the Football Team is so toxic, it gave poor Rivera cancer. Rivera is one of the few men so universally liked in football that he could make people optimistic about Washington, but they almost killed him right away. In 2019, team president Bruce Allen said, “The culture here is pretty damn good.” Thanks for sharing, Bruce, but I’ve seen better culture when I left a cup of yogurt out in the sun for a month.
Amongst Washington’s misbegotten personnel decisions in recent years was their acquisition of quarterback Alex Smith. Smith became the second Washington quarterback to suffer a career-ending leg injury on the field when in 2018 he suffered compound fractures to his tibia and fibula against the Texans. Washington’s medical staff was able to stabilize his leg quickly, and that’s the greatest supporting cast a Washington quarterback has had in 20 years. Even so, Smith suffered a bacterial infection, almost lost the leg, and almost died. Fortunately, he is alive and safely retired today, so the Football Team can never hurt him again.
This year, Snyder’s asshattery struck again, with the release of the Jon Gruden emails, which were uncovered during the NFL’s investigation into the Washington front office. Of the several hundred thousand emails in existence from this investigation, we are to believe that only Gruden’s contained anything offensive whatsoever. There are few people who think Gruden should have kept his job after the things he said in these emails, but fewer still who think Gruden was alone in these sentiments. This is a cover-up of the highest order, and the NFL is complicit. Of course the other owners don’t want Snyder gone; they wouldn’t want someone competent running a competing team.
Of course, competition only goes so far because of revenue sharing. It’s easy to say, Washington fans put money in Dan Snyder’s pockets, and they do. Due to revenue sharing, anyone who gives any NFL team or the NFL itself money puts money in Snyder’s pockets. Well, that should make every football fan want to throw up into their bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Soup after downing a refreshing Bud Light while home from a day drive in their brand-new Chevrolet Silverado, now with Cash Bonus Offers. Be sure to wipe your face before you go on FanDuel on your phone so you can win big for entertainment purposes only. It has electrolytes. Carl’s Jr, fuck you I’m eating. How about some extra big ass fries?
Raiders win, 30-24.
*Top Photo: AP Photo/Isaac Brekken