Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chiefs

The following is a work of satire and humor about the upcoming Chiefs vs. Raiders game. It may contain offensive language and imagery and due to its content it should not be read by anyone. This does not apply to Chiefs fans, as they cannot read.

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the salmon on your sushi, the egg in your toad-in-a-hole, and the apple in your cider, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today resigned to another lost season after the loss to Washington, but even in defeat, Raiderdamus can continue to clown on other teams for the losers and dumpster fires that they are. Sunday is another game, and a week closer to the day the Raiders can put this Murphy’s Law of a season behind them.

The Great Beyond chimed in…

So what will this week bring? As usual, I’ve asked the Great Beyond to chime in about his thoughts regarding the upcoming game against Kansas City. Here is the message I received:

“If Kansas had won the border war between them and Missouri in the 1850s, the Chiefs today would be the third most beloved football team in Kansas instead of the second-most loved team in Missouri. The Chiefs ain’t even SEC, because if they were, they would play some defense.”

The Chiefs and the Raiders started the season on very different trajectories, with the Raiders trending up and KC trending down, but of late they have swapped places. The Raiders are wondering who their coach will be next season, while the Chiefs know Andy Reid will be their coach until his heart explodes. Urban Meyer left his coaching gigs whenever things got too rough for him, saying that he wanted to spend more time with his family, but Andy Reid will never take time off for his family, because he knows that drugs and alcohol are better babysitters than he will ever be.

Quarterback to the Future

Raider fans may be upset that the Chiefs have Patrick Mahomes, but that’s karma for a decade of putting up with the likes of Tyler Palko, Tyler Thigpen, Brady Quinn, Matt Cassel, Damon Huard, and Chase Daniel. Surely Raider fans remember trying to convince themselves that Matt McGloin or Terrelle Pryor were the answers. The Chiefs eventually stabilized the position with Alex Smith, who managed a 5.19 ERA and a 1.46 WHIP over 76 starts with the Chiefs.

The last time I had to discuss the Chiefs, I gave their fans some guff for booing racial equality, but now that I think about it, the fans may just have been getting into the Halloween spirit by saying “Boo!” Many Chiefs fans have full-length white ghost costumes in their closets at home, complete with pointy ghost hats with the eyes cut out so they can see who they are scaring.

Missouri Index

Missouri is known as the “Show Me State,” a sentiment that can get you put on a list these days. Many states, such as Texas, California, and New York, instill a sense of pride in their residents. But not Missouri, because nobody can feel proud of being from Diet Arkansas. And how can Chiefs fans, whose only source of pride is their local food scene, stand by Mahomes, who puts ketchup on steak? If you ordered ketchup with steak at a grown-up restaurant, you may as well have ordered dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Mahomes uses a high chair at Ruth’s Chris, and he’s sure to stay inside the lines with his crayons. Of course, the Mahomes family members are not known for their good taste, whether in food, dance moves, or tact on social media.

While Andy Reid is a terrific playcaller…

While Andy Reid is a terrific playcaller, he manages the clock worse than Salvador Dali and went to the Chris Webber School of Calling Timeouts at Appropriate Times. Until Mahomes came along, Reid’s drives tended to be slow and plodding; the fastest you’d see Reid drive was when he was heading to Cracker Barrel. Now Reid’s strategy is more like that of the Steve Nash Phoenix Suns: to score as fast as possible and not play any defense so you can get the ball back more quickly.

Just like the Tyreek Hill Youth Boxing Academy, I haven’t pulled any punches today. Unfortunately, Reid found out that this was a roast, and he ate it.

Chiefs win, 36-17.

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*Top Photo: Blogspot/Reddit

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