The following is a work of satire and humor about the upcoming Raiders vs. Chargers game. It may contain offensive language or imagery and as a result it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the cream of the crop, the tower of power too sweet to be sour, and the world’s greatest football-related insult comic, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful.
I come to you hopeful, as with one more victory by our beloved Raiders, I may pen a playoff edition of this column for only the second time in my illustrious career. It will be no easy task to get by the Chargers in this final game, as they will surely have the full-throated support of all six of their fans.
In keeping with tradition, I have asked the Great Beyond to chime in with his thoughts regarding Sunday night’s game. Here is the message I received:
“I would say the name Los Angeles Chargers has a nice ring to it, but it’s the Chargers, so it doesn’t have any rings at all.”
The Other Kind of Football
The only thing football fans care about less than the Chargers is soccer. Every year, wimpy Melvin soccer apologists tell us, “Soccer will be the big sport in America soon!” All the kids are playing it! ” Decades have passed since they began saying this, and football is still king. Why? Because soccer is stupid. It’s an hour and a half of running around in circles for a game that ends 1-0. If I wanted to waste my time for that long and score so little, I’d go to a Victoria’s Secret fashion show afterparty and chat up some of the models.
The Chargers would be an amazing soccer team, because while soccer has an offense and a defense, it has no special teams. You can’t miss a field goal or allow a kickoff return touchdown, so the Chargers would be in great shape. Also, all the Chargers fans can get together at the games and make up inspirational chants like, “Let’s go Chargers, give us all the chills, and don’t get blown out by Davis Mills” or the ever popular “Come on Chargers, you can win the chipper, even if you’re not as cool as the Clippers.” The possibilities are endless.
Questionable Decisions
The Chargers franchise threw away the city of San Diego like your average Chiefs fan throws away a restraining order, and they threw away Philip Rivers like Rivers throws away a box of birth control pills. Chargers owner Dean Spanos paid $800 million to be rid of San Diego forever, just so he could pay rent to the Rams and play in a stadium that from above looks like the Rams logo. The Chargers’ first attempt at a new logo in Los Angeles went over about as well as a Hall and Oates album in the 1990s.
There are only two kinds of people who could draw a logo like this: kindergarten children and people who have gone to college to learn marketing. Only those two groups would be so tone-deaf as to so blatantly rip off the Dodgers in order to ingratiate themselves with people who are ostensibly Dodger fans. The Chargers are not the Dodgers; the Dodgers have actually won championships before. This is exactly the sort of inauthentic corporate focus-group horseshit that makes everyone hate whatever the logo is for. It’s perfect for Los Angeles, where everyone is fake and pretending to be important, while the Chargers have pretended to be a real football team since 1960. The Chargers and LA deserve each other.
Only a total dipshit like…
Only a total dipshit like Spanos would willingly move his team to a place where there are already so many more popular teams. Teams more popular in Los Angeles than the Chargers include the Rams, 49ers, Raiders, Cowboys, Seahawks, Manchester City, USC, UCLA, LA Galaxy, and Crenshaw High. But nevertheless, SoFi Stadium did get built largely because the Chargers were willing to play in it, meaning the Raiders get to play home games at two of the nicest stadiums in the NFL.
The Chargers have found it difficult to build a solid fanbase, especially online. Whenever you Google “Chargers,” you’ll just find ways to plug in your iPhone. Luckily, this has allowed Charger fans to stay healthy and socially distanced at home games, since nobody ever has to sit within five seats of each other.
Super Chargers
The Chargers have plenty of accomplishments that their fans can be proud of. They drafted Eli Manning, who went on to win two Super Bowls and propelled Steve Young to his only Super Bowl win, and Jerry Rice to his final one. Then, they allowed LaDainian Tomlinson to make a name for himself prior to finishing his career with the Jets. They developed Junior Seau prior to his joining the Dolphins and then the Patriots, where he nearly finished off an undefeated season in 2007. The Chargers let Drew Brees go to the Saints, where he won their only Super Bowl in 2010. The Chargers even allowed their stadium in San Diego to be used for John Elway’s first Super Bowl win. Such a generous team!
The Chargers have a long and storied history of coming up short when it matters most. Even their toys can tell you this fact.
Even Tomlinson, one of the finest players in NFL history, was a choking hazard because of the uniform he played in. The Chargers have had plenty of success this season, but it’s just about time for them to pull a Chargers. There will be no Heimlich this time.
Raiders win, 24-22.
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*Top Photo: Kelvin Kuo/Associated Press