The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive material and as a result, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, your favorite football writer’s favorite football writer, the man of the hour, the tower of power too sweet to be sour, the world’s most dangerous hermit, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today ready to put the final nail in the coffin of a long, grueling offseason in which every team in the AFC West improved themselves except the Chiefs, who got substantially worse. Perhaps one day, they will get so bad that Jim Nantz will remove his head from Patrick Mahomes’ fundament.
Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Las Vegas Raiders vs. Los Angeles Chargers, Week 1
Thankfully, we don’t have to worry about the Chiefs this week. Surely, Kyler Murray will eschew Call of Duty, stay after school, and be well prepared to hand the Ketchup and Mustard a fat L. This week, we face the Chargers in what will be the Raiders’ first chance to show off their new-look offense and far more professional countenance. With that in mind, the Great Raiderdamus has yet again called upon the Great Beyond for his wisdom regarding the upcoming game. Here is the message I received:
“Is it that time again? The last time I saw the Raiders, they were hard at work not having a clue what to do in the red zone, keeping the spirit of Bo Jackson alive by limping off the field against the Bengals. I trust that these issues have been fixed; if anyone should wonder how important Josh McDaniels was to New England, simply look and see how much of an orphanage fire they are without him.”
So who’s on tap for Week 1? The Chargers? Didn’t the Raiders just beat them? I’ll always remember Chargers coach Brandon Staley’s stupid face as he lamented that his talented team would miss out on the playoffs, saying all this with tears in his eyes and not a hint of irony, as his team played their hearts out and it was he who made the choices that brought them to such a disastrous end. Staley combines the wardrobe of Fred Couples with the time management skills of Andy Reid.
Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Chargers are always media darlings
Nobody has been so dismissive of the clock since Guy Fawkes tried to blow up Big Ben and Parliament in 1605. Staley looks like John Harbaugh had a child who skipped five grades and went to medical school at 14 years old but still hasn’t seen a pair of boobies. One of these days, Staley’s Charger teams will reach their full potential and lose to the Bills in the snow on Wild Card weekend, and then Staley will finally become a man.
The Chargers, as always, are media darlings, and plenty of experts are picking them to make the playoffs. These experts have clearly not studied history, because the Chargers have never won anything, and they never will. Their favorite pastime is tripping on their own dicks in spectacular and heartbreaking fashion. The Chargers are always amazing on paper but never actually work out in reality, like Communism or dating Amber Heard. You think everything is going to go fine and then, all of a sudden, whoops, all your farmers are dead, and you need new bedsheets.
Of course, the main reason that many people think the Chargers will be good is that Justin Herbert is their quarterback. He’s a tall, strong dude with a rocket arm and he can run like the wind, but his 1998 Scott Stapp yee-yee ass haircut will ensure that the Chargers never experience real success.
Taking someone’s breath away is how Justin Herbert got the Chargers’ starting job…
The shallow young ladies who populate Los Angeles will surely have their breath taken away by Herbert. That’s no surprise, because taking someone’s breath away is how Herbert got the Chargers’ starting job in the first place. Tyrod Taylor probably shouldn’t have held his arms wide open for the Chargers’ medical staff. Herbert’s flowing locks are a curse, because with short hair he looks like Randy Orton and with long hair he looks like Renee Zellweger.
No matter how long Herbert plays, winning the Rose Bowl is the greatest success he will ever experience in Southern California. Herbert’s legacy will always be standing on the sidelines hoping for a tie like the gormless loser he is. The last time someone wanted a tie that badly, the singer of INXS wanked himself to an early grave in a hotel room.
Time will tell whether the Chargers made the right move in leaving San Diego. They do play in a state-of-the-art stadium now, which has ample parking and seating for all twelve Charger fans and the many children they cannot afford to have, who will be bored to tears when the SoFi Stadium scoreboard loses power and stops working. The Rams have graciously provided the Chargers with a spacious locker room/custodial closet located under the escalator right next to the handicapped bathroom so that when a different Charger player blows out his knee every week, he can at least still take a s*** in peace.
Being a Charger fan is like moving to Los Angeles…
Being a Charger fan is like moving to Los Angeles. You arrive in a new place at a new time, stars in your eyes, with all the hope and promise in the world, ready for a new day. Then, the tragic reality of life crushes you and steals your dreams, over and over again. No matter how hard you try to change the world, it is shitheads like Stan Kroenke and Dean Spanos who really run things, and all your passion means nothing. The Chargers will look like the best team in the NFL, time after time, but they will always crash harder than a Chiefs fan coming off his bi-weekly meth high. At this point, that’s less a prediction and more a law of nature.
The best part about the Chargers’ being fuckwit failures is that nobody cares. Nobody thinks about the Chargers unless their cell phone battery is low. They engender more apathy than the Titans. Los Angeles’ social media team is way better than the actual team is, but that’s like wearing a sandwich board in a high-traffic area that says “Come Look At This Pile of Dog Crap on the Sidewalk.” Yeah, people can read it, but you can’t make them give a s***.
Thankfully, people will give even less of a s*** after this game, because the Raiders are going to destroy the Chargers. There is no home field advantage for the Chargers here. Los Angeles as a city has shown definitively that it can support two NFL teamsâ€”the Raiders and the Cowboys. Raider fans will come to Sofi, give swirlies to the twelve Charger fans in the decadent and luxurious SoFi Stadium bathrooms, steal their girlfriends, and then leave as quickly as they came, riding shiny and chrome back to Las Vegas.
Raiders win, 41-30.”
Go ahead and enjoy any previous version of a Raiderdamus Friday Foretelling, right here. Ramble On, Raider Nation!