The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive humor and imagery and as a result it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the father of foresight, the poobah of prognostication, the sultan of seers, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful.
I come to you today with a humble heart, burdened by the knowledge that the few minutes it takes you to read this article each week are vastly more enjoyable than the three hours it takes you to watch a Raiders game every Sunday. I do not take lightly the responsibility of being the only Raider-related thing that sparks joy in 2022. It just makes me grind harder.
Raiderdamus’ Friday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Broncos
And for me, the grind involves asking the Great Beyond for his insight into the upcoming game against Denver. I have done so, and here is the message I received.
“So, apparently the monumentally stupid thing the Raiders did to lose the game last week was… throw the ball to Darren Waller. Well, that’s a new one! That usually works. Waller’s hands are so soft, he wouldn’t hurt a plum. But who do you have this week? The Broncos? I understand Walmart now owns that team, and yet they gave a massive contract to their new quarterback. It is strange, since Walmart is well-known for not paying its employees a decent wage. Soon, Denver’s quarterback will be a self-quarterbacking machine, and their receivers will have to throw to themselves. Every time the machine takes a sack, it will make an awful noise and complain that there is an unauthorized player in the quarterbacking area. Please wait for assistance from a Denver Broncos associate.
[pictured: Denver’s quarterback in 2028]
But for the time being, Denver’s quarterback is former Seahawk Russell Wilson. This is puzzling, because Wilson was not drafted by the Colts, so why would the Broncos be interested in him? I would think the Broncos would have spent the offseason begging Andrew Luck to come back and play for them. Just like the opening snap of the Super Bowl did to Peyton Manning, this just goes right over my head.
“Let Russ Cook”
In Seattle, Wilson’s fans coined the phrase “Let Russ Cook” because they were frustrated by Wilson’s lack of control over the offense. It essentially meant that Wilson should ignore his coaches and the game plan and do whatever the hell he wanted. In true ‘suck the fun out of everything’ fashion, Wilson trademarked the phrase “Let Russ Cook” with the intention of plastering it all over whatever products he can. Wilson, as if he were a founding member of KISS, looks at a great idea and doesn’t think, “My fans are so great and creative,” he thinks, “How can I make money off this?”
Pete Carroll is about as innovative as Madonna these days, so I don’t blame Wilson for wanting out of Seattle. Anyone who likes the sun or a commute less than three hours long would be highly motivated to leave. And where does one go when they are done listening to The Man and his rules? Colorado is, of course, one of approximately 30 states that have been ruined by Californians emigrating there, but one that maintains a fiercely independent spirit, so long as you are rich. Poor Coloradans live in Wyoming.
[pictured: Broncos QB Russell Wilson introducing himself to his new teammates]
It may turn out that Wilson himself is the problem…
At this point, Wilson can’t be garnering too much confidence from the Broncos fanbase. He lost to Seattle, then barely scraped by Houston and the Niners. Other fans, like the one reading this right now, might be calling for his head. But level-headed Bronco fans know that their head coach is an idiot whose decision making is on the level of the helmsman of the Titanic and are calling for Russ to cook even more. Let it be noted that the last time Denver asked to let Russ cook, their stadium caught on fire.
It may turn out that Wilson himself is the problem. Russ is like if a quarterback were designed by JK Rowling. When Russ visits a children’s hospital, he tells the kids to ‘chin up.’ Russ calls his own kid’s ‘sport.’ When Russ takes an ice bath after a game, he listens to Enya on his headphones and drinks a glass of red wine. Russell Wilson is to football what Kirk Cameron is to acting. He is to humanity what Amy Schumer is to comedy. Wilson is like a Pokémon who can only say his own name, but the one thing Russ can say is “Broncos Country. Let’s ride.” Russ is cornier than rooster s***.
The Broncos QB takes his family on vacation in a…
Wilson takes his family on vacation in a station wagon. He ties a canoe to the roof, checks the straps, and loudly remarks, “That’s not going anywhere.” Also, he makes his family stop at each and every roadside attraction. He thinks football was better before all these namby-pamby rules protecting quarterbacks. His favorite NBA team is the 1988 Detroit Pistons, because they played real basketball before defense was outlawed. Wilson makes Wayne Brady look like Wayne Brady in a car with Dave Chappelle. He wishes he were born 40 years earlier so he could have voted for Ronald Reagan.
Wilson buys his music from Walmart…
He owns a MyPillow and buys his music from Walmart, so he can have the family-friendly versions without all the filth and flarn. Wilson has sex through the hole in his pajama bottoms. He thinks ayahuasca is something Fozzy Bear says after he cracks a joke. Wilson doesn’t understand why microbrews exist when Bud Light and Coors are so inexpensive. When Russ drinks whiskey, he makes a face like it’s hurting him. His favorite Star Wars movie is Episode 2. He thinks pro wrestling is real, but he stopped watching when Hulk Hogan became a bad guy.
This week’s game will be a question of who can do dumber sh*t in this game: Nate Hackett or Josh McDaniels? My money is on good old Josh this time. Despite Wilson being a complete caricature of a human being and acting like a person with a Muppet’s hand up his *ss, Wilson can probably gather his faculties long enough to stage a comeback against the Raiders, especially if the second half is the half during which the Raiders decide to forget how to play football this week.
Broncos win, 26-24.”
*Top Photo: Ron Chenoy-USA TODAY Sports