Raiderdamus: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive humor and imagery and as a result it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man who spits the sickest rhymes, a legend in my spare time, so fresh it ought to be a crime: Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you elated that the Raiders were victorious over the Broncos last week, but that was a mere bump in the road to the top of the draft unless proven otherwise. That road has several more games left on it, starting with a trip to the Great Northwest, a place so lovely that the people who live there don’t mind that most of the rest of the country forgets that it exists at all.
Raiderdamus’ Saturday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Seahawks
Has the Seahawks’ hot start been a mirage? Has the Raiders’ season so far just been growing pains with a new coach and new schemes? Only the Great Beyond knows for sure, so once again I’ve asked him for his opinions regarding Sunday’s game in Seattle.
“Long ago, man began using sounds and utterances to communicate with one another. These sounds became codified into language, and each region of the world had its own language, which evolved and changed over time. Beginning with the Phoenicians, man developed a system of depicting sounds via written symbols, so that language could be both seen and heard. Man began to write books and poetry and create magnificent works of art with the gift of language. Within the last hundred years, man began to communicate digitally, sharing information on a global scale via computers and other electronic devices. These last several thousand years of human achievement have culminated in every NFL fans’ ability to simultaneously sit on the toilet in the privacy of their own home and call the coach of their favorite football team a clueless dipshit.
Surely Pete Carroll has heard his fair share of harassment in the past year. Not because of the fact that he looks like Ellen DeGeneres or because he has an NFL coaching resume slightly less impressive than Mike McCarthy’s or because of his disastrous choice to pass the ball on the goal line instead of letting Marshawn Lynch run the ball, no. This harassment is because he ran Russell Wilson out of town to the point where, much like Kurt Cobain or Layne Staley, Wilson embraced certain death rather than stay in Seattle a moment longer.
Pete Carroll was right…
However, Carroll was right, and I will hear no slander of him henceforth. Many people were certain prior to the season that the Seahawks would be so awful that they would get a top-five draft pick. How wrong they were! Instead, the Broncos have been so bad that the Seahawks will get a top-five draft pick, while Carroll has done the seemingly impossible and turned Geno Smith from someone destined to be a Wendy’s night manager into a Pro Bowl-level quarterback. This is the most notable metamorphosis in football since Tom Brady turned a crypto exchange into a divorce and possible bankruptcy.
The majestic birds that can be found on Washington’s shoreline are called ospreys. There is no such thing as a Seahawk. They do not exist, much like Charger fans or Broncos playoff hopes or racial tolerance in Kansas City. Seattle fans are used to renaming things, but they pick the stupidest names. Things like “Lumen Field” or “Lemon Pledge Arena” or “The Oklahoma City Thunder”. Even so, Seattle will support a winner. If you go to Lemon Pledge Arena and watch Seattle’s most recent champion, the WNBA’s Storm, there will be tens of people in the stands wildly cheering every player who has not yet been arrested for smuggling drugs into Russia.
Lumen Field
Luckily for Seattle fans, the Seahawks’ recent struggles have caused ticket prices to crater to the point where their most ardent fans can afford tickets on the money they make from mowing lawns after school. As soon as Seahawks fans learn to read, which for most of them was last year when they turned four, they memorize the names of the athletes who performed best in Seattle. Steve Largent. Dave Krieg. Chris Warren. Kenny Easley. Bo Jackson. Yordan Alvarez. The 2001 New York Yankees. The list goes on and on.
Unfortunately, once these youngsters brave the five-hour, two-mile car ride to the stadium, they have to enter Lumen Field, which is the dumbest name for a football stadium since Pittsburgh named their place Acidity Field or whatever the f*** Heinz Field is called now. There is nothing ‘Loomin‘ for any Seahawks fan except Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is when the Seahawks make all their fans really depressed during football season. This depression is only lifted by the fact that the Rams are awful. Any self-respecting Seahawks fan would rather see the Rams lose than the Seahawks win.
Raiderdamus: Ticket Prices Are So Slow…Â
This season has to be a real treat for Seahawks fans. Ticket prices are so low, their heroin budget will be more robust than usual. The Seahawks being successful means that it won’t be embarrassing to use their Matt Hasselbeck jersey as a blanket when they go home to their tent at night. Those jerseys are very inexpensive at the Seahawks’ store at the stadium. You can pick six and get an Al Harris jersey for free.
Final PredictionÂ
This is going to be a pretty tough game for the Raiders to win, as they don’t have any corners who can cover DK Metcalf without the aid of a stepladder. If they punch Geno in the mouth like IK Enemkpali did, they have a chance, but the Seattle crowd will make it tough on the Raiders by screaming so loud they can no longer hear the sound of their parents’ disappointment.
Seahawks win, 30-16.”
*Be sure to catch up on all Raiderdamus entries from this season right here!
*Top Photo: Larry Brown Sports