Raiderdamus

Raiderdamus’ Saturday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Broncos

Raiderdamus: The following is a work of satire and humor about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language or imagery and as a result it should not be read by anyone.

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man who is too cool for school and too bitchin’ for the kitchen, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. After last week’s game, I thought, “Well, if losing to the Colts doesn’t get Josh McDaniels fired, nothing will.” And then it didn’t, so I guess nothing will. Some folks are under the impression that Mark Davis can’t afford to fire McDaniels after the contract he gave him, and the obvious retort would be that Mark Davis isn’t cash poor; he paid $5,000 for that ridiculous haircut, and he just bought the Las Vegas Aces. Of course, the WNBA loses money every year and is subsidized by the NBA, so Davis should have been able to buy the Aces for negative $12 dollars and a Spicy McChicken.

Raiderdamus’ Saturday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Broncos

Because the universe hates us all, the Raiders have another game this weekend, and in order to inject some levity into a dark and pointless existence, I’ve called upon the Great Beyond for his views regarding Sunday’s matchup. Here is the message I received:

“Imagine you’re watching TV at two in the morning, and you see an infomercial for some stupid-*ss new product. Before they show you what this thing is, they show in black and white some dumb white guy or lady fumbling around with some normal action like talking on the phone or washing their car, and they say “Oh, no!” and ask, “Has this ever happened to you?” before showing you the new product, which is supposed to solve whatever nonexistent problem they just demonstrated. This season’s Raider games should be broadcast in black and white because they are just as inept as the mouth-breathing idiots in those commercials, taking something that should be easy, like beating the Colts, and turning it into a Sisyphean struggle.

Josh McDaniels’ charisma… 

Josh McDaniels has the charisma of a head of cabbage, and his room temperature IQ leaves him less suited for coaching than it does for a successful career as a hat rack or a crash test dummy. Cartoon Network’s next Scooby-Doo special will have Scooby and the gang investigate Allegiant Stadium, trying to figure out where all of Davis’s revenue-sharing money went, and in the end, they will pull off Josh McDaniels’ mask, revealing Adam Gase.

But who you got this week? The Broncos? Again? What can we say about one of the two teams bad enough to have lost to the Raiders?

Raiderdamus: Wal-Mart and the Broncos

The Broncos are owned by Wal-Mart, which makes sense because, just like the Broncos’ fanbase, Wal-Mart is full of ugly people making poor life choices. The Broncos themselves have made plenty of bad choices lately, such as signing the husk of Russell Wilson to a $245 million contract extension. Wilson is the biggest waste of money since Elon Musk bought Twitter. Who wants a platform where people do nothing but get angry? If Musk wanted to buy access to a lot of really upset people, he could have just bought the Raiders.

Wilson has been so bad this year that he’s made Denver fans long for the glory days of Kyle Orton. Wilson’s cheesy “Broncos Country, let’s ride” pandering is more embarrassing than that time Josh McDaniels’ Broncos lost 59-14 to the Raiders in 2010. Surely a coach who lost that badly would never get a chance to coach again.

Faithful Bronco fans were understandably up in arms after their team lost to Seattle in Week 1, calling for coach Nate Hackett’s head. They must have forgotten their history, because it took the Broncos two years to fire McDaniels, two seasons to fire Vance Joseph, and three seasons to fire Vic Fangio. The Broncos don’t do anything quickly except give up a lot of points to Seattle.

“Let’s Ride” is the sort of out-of-touch, cringey slogan that could have only come from someone who went to college for marketing. Nobody says “Let’s Ride” in real life, and nobody looks or acts like Russell Wilson in real life. He has the kind of soulless lizard-person demeanor that Mark Zuckerberg is known for, where his every action screams, “I think this is how regular people act.” How do you do, fellow humans? In a world where people are desperately seeking authentic experiences, Wilson is the worst spokesperson you can have—both unbelievably fake and also bad at his job.

The Broncos’ defense

There is one redeeming thing about the Broncos, and that’s their defense. Unfortunately, keeping teams to ten points a game means nothing if the offense scores nine points per game. They can be the 1985 Bears out there; it doesn’t matter at all because Russell Wilson is getting paid more than the gross domestic product of several Central American countries to throw to his favorite receiver—the ground. Preferably the ground four yards out of bounds so that Courtland Sutton has to hurdle a Gatorade container after making a futile attempt to catch the ball.

There was a time when Russell Wilson was embarrassed by a teammate, as Golden Tate allegedly had an inappropriate relationship with Wilson’s now ex-wife. Wilson has apparently sworn to never let this happen again, as he’s going to get all his current teammates either fired or killed by rogue sideline equipment before any of them can so much as look at Ciara. And good for him, because he’s doing more damage to the Broncos than the Raiders will this year.

Prediction

This game will be played in Denver, where the sixteen people dumb or masochistic enough to pay to watch the Broncos will be gathered on Sunday wearing their finest barrels and paper bags over their heads while the Broncos do their best to make sure Seattle gets a top-5 draft pick next year. It’s lucky that Denver has dank weed, because they sure don’t have good football. Even so, Josh McDaniels has never made a habit of winning in Denver, so this is a game that could give Bronco fans plenty of false hope before the rest of the season crushes them. Hey, at least it’s hockey season.

Broncos win, 23-19.”

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