Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the frosting on your cupcake, the chicken in your pot pie, and the World’s Most Professional Hater, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today listless, finding no joy in a correct prediction of a Raiders loss to the Bills. This week another of our ancient enemies comes to Las Vegas, and with them come swarms of their disgusting, subhuman, abhorrent fans who will wave piss-colored towels with glee whenever the refs decide to ensure their team gets to win another game they didn’t deserve.
I hope the seats at Allegiant Stadium have a weight capacity high enough to support the horde that will descend upon the stadium and surely cause another COVID outbreak.
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I could go on about how little I think of our upcoming opponent and anyone who likes them, but you didn’t click on this article to listen to me. You came here to read what the Great Beyond has to say and hear it you shall. This is the message I received this week:
“Tough show against the Bills. Nobody has been that unfortunate in Buffalo since Scott Norwood. But this week is another week for Josh McDaniels to hang himself with all the rope he’s been given. Who you got this week? The Steelers? Let me talk to ya, yeah!
The Steelers used to be the class of the AFC North. Every year, it seemed, they would go into the playoffs with a chance to make a deep run. However, over the last five seasons, the Steelers have won exactly zero playoff games. In that time span, the Browns have won one, the Ravens one, and the Bengals have won five. This has resulted in a number of illiterate, mouth-breathing Steelers fans calling for the firing of head coach Mike Tomlin.
Let’s talk about Mike Tomlin…
Tomlin has been the coach of the Steelers since 2007, and in that time, he has a record of 164-94-2. Steelers fans are exposing themselves for the spoiled crybabies they are, because any self-respecting Raider fan would burn down an orphanage on Kitten Visit Day to have a head coach with a record SEVENTY games over .500 and who lasted seventeen years on the job. If anyone with the Raiders lasts seventeen years, it’s because they forgot he works there, like Milton from Office Space.
But Steelers fans don’t like Mike Tomlin’s type, that is, people who season their food. While most NFL cities are highly modern and cosmopolitan areas with rich, vibrant food scenes, Pittsburgh is made up of people who think ketchup is a food group and whose primary hometown restaurant, Primanti’s, is best served as a midnight meal when you are too drunk to remember your own name. French fries do not go on sandwiches, nor do they go on salads, but Pittsburgh does it anyway because they delight in being nasty little abominations.
Food scenes are built upon innovation, but the only innovation Pittsburgh has ever done is to ask, “Can I put a fried potato here?” Let’s find out!” and then just go with it, whether it tastes good or not. As fries go, Primanti’s makes In-N-Out look like Five Guys.
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I should correct myself here…
Pittsburgh has one more major food innovation, which is not cooking their steaks. A “Pittsburgh Blue” steak is not just rare in the center; it is so raw that a skilled veterinarian could still save its life. Every bit of food in Pittsburgh is just as vile as the people who live there. There are 446 bridges in the city of Pittsburgh, and every citizen of the city should live under one like the heinous trolls they are.
The Steelers have employed offensive coordinator Matt Canada for the past four years. If you search his name, you will find article after breathless, desperate article about how the Steelers could fire him and replace him with someone who knows their ass from a hole in the ground. As far as I know, however, he will be coaching the Steelers’ offense on Sunday night, which is appropriate because his coaching is offensive to all football fans. The Steelers’ offense is like Germany during World War II: an elite fighting force led by a megalomaniacal buffoon who makes bonehead decision after bonehead decision. “Canada’s Biggest Blunders” is the next documentary series to show up on the History Channel.
Raiderdamus: Then we have Matt Canada…
Matt Canada remains employed because Midwesterners have been bred to expect nothing and hope for less. They put up with the Bears, with Kirk Ferentz coaching Iowa and being right next to Kentucky. These are people who understand that life sucks and then you die, and they know this because they live in an area of the world that has not seen direct sunlight since 1632. The Steelers were a dumpster fire for decades, but they hit the lottery with the 1974 draft and have been coasting on it ever since. Yinzer Steeler fans like to pretend they’re superior to Browns fans, but they’re just as depraved, and if Ben Roethlisberger could have convinced a massage therapist to join him in a bathroom stall, he’d be a Browns legend today.
I would tell the Steelers and their fans to go to hell, but they already live in Pittsburgh, so I’ll save my breath. The team drafted poor Kenny Pickett, who went to school at Pitt and now doesn’t get to move to a real city, and can instead be the next Dave Krieg for a fanbase who likes him way more than he deserves and will probably build a statue of him outside of Acupuncture Stadium, bronze and eating a sandwich with fries on it, in appreciation for his efforts in making the 2027 AFC Championship game and losing to the Jaguars.
Despite all this, Matt Canada is a better offensive coordinator than Josh McDaniels is a head coach, and the Steelers will finally look like a real team this week instead of a leper colony.
Steelers win, 24-20.
*Top Photo: Joe Sargent/Getty Images