Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the small medium at large, the anachronistic mystic, the savage soothsayer, and the only man who can make a hat with stars and moons on it look stylish, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today despondent, because although the Great Beyond was once again correct in his prediction last week, the Raiders lost to the Steelers. Raiderdamus is 3-0, but the Raiders themselves are decidedly not. If only the Raiders had someone with foresight and prescience in charge instead of someone who doesn’t realize that six plus two equals eight.
MORE: Catch up on this season’s Raiderdamus!
Raiderdamus’ Saturday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Chargers, Week 4
With last week’s game shoved into the place where memories go so we can think about them at 2 a.m. when we have anxiety and dwell on what we should have done differently, the Raiders have ahead of them another opportunity to s*** their pants on live television and embarrass their fanbase on a grand scale. In keeping with ancient tradition, I have once again entreated the Great Beyond for his words of wisdom regarding the game on Sunday. Here is the message I received:
“It should be obvious that football is a game based around numbers, and anyone who displays a basic lack of conceptual understanding of math is unfit to be a coach. Josh McDaniels has displayed such an extreme lack of competence that he’s unqualified to clean out his own belly button lint. I wouldn’t hire him to babysit a gerbil. Anyway, who you got this week? The Chargers? Speaking of incompetent coaches…
The Raiders get the Chargers in Week 4. Fitting, since No. 4 is where the Chargers will be drafting next April.
There is sure a lot to do in Los Angeles, and by that, I mean, there are a lot of things in Los Angeles that will distract you from how awful it is to live there. There are beautiful beaches, exciting nightclubs, interesting homeless prostitutes trying to sell you drugs, food trucks selling some of the best food you’ll ever eat made to order by authentic recovering methamphetamine addicts, and some of the nation’s best weather.
Let’s talk about L.A.’s sports teams…
In addition, there are many sports teams vying for affection. Champion teams like the Dodgers, Lakers, and Rams…
Then we have lovable underachievers like the Angels, Clippers, and USC Trojans. We also have dumpster fires like UCLA and the Anaheim Ducks, and then there are the Chargers.
Being a Charger fan in a city as diverse and dynamic as Los Angeles is like going to McDonald’s and ordering the Filet-O-Fish. I mean, yeah, it’s there, and you can get it, but why would you? The double-quarter-pounder is right there. The fish used in the Filet-O-Fish is wild-caught carp from the Cuyahoga River in Ohio, and if you eat it, you will get radiation poisoning. That would still be less painful than being a Chargers fan on purpose.
Much like Bo Jackson, who played football as a side hobby to his first love, baseball, Philip Rivers played football as a side hobby to his first love, getting his wife pregnant. Rivers has been retired for a few seasons now, and for all I know, he has 46 children at this point. He had all these kids just so the Chargers could have a fanbase reaching double digits in number. Most of his kids are Chiefs fans, but one of these days he’ll get at least 10 of them to don the powder blue.
Raiderdamus: Brandon Staley is a…
The antics and tomfoolery of Chargers coach Brandon Staley should come as no surprise to anyone. Staley makes a lot of ballsy, bold decisions, and they always fail because Staley is coaching the Chargers instead of some other team with luck on their side. If you are going to coach the Chargers, you have to do it like Marty Schottenheimer did it and take absolutely no chances whatsoever at any time. There is nothing that the universe loves more than to screw the Chargers over, and their coach must never leave the team’s fate in the hands of anyone else by being brave. Analytics are for dorks.
Coaching the Chargers should be like coaching Virginia Tech, and you must make football as boring as the lives of the local yokels who will subject themselves to a Thursday night 9-6 win over Syracuse.
As we all know, the Chargers have one dedicated fan, and his name is Steve the Charger Fan. This is printed on his passport. Steve goes to Charger games when the spirit moves him, and now I’ll give you a behind-the-scenes look at his experience as a fan:
THURSDAY BEFORE THE GAME
2:00 P.M. Steve sells plasma at the local clinic to be able to pay for parking. The cookies and juice were extra yummy today!
SUNDAY, GAMEDAY
9:00 A.M. Steve wakes up. He showers and drinks a cup of black coffee. After paying $2600 rent for his apartment, he cannot afford creamer.
9:30 A.M. Steve puts on his vintage Mark Seay jersey, complete with a bullet hole next to the heart, for good luck.
9:45 A.M. Steve walks outside his apartment and has a coughing fit because of the smog. A twelve-year-old boy offers to sell him crack. Steve politely declines. The only drug he needs is Justin Herbert, baby!
10:00 A.M. Steve begins driving to the game. As he lives less than a mile from SoFi, this will be a short trip. Steve is banned from using Uber or Lyft due to his excessive body odor.
1:00 P.M. Steve arrives at SoFi. Three hours in traffic, not bad!
1:05 P.M. Steve pays $100 for parking.
1:20 P.M. Steve finds his seat in the upper bowl just in time for kickoff. The Chargers bust a long return that was called back for holding. A seagull craps on Steve’s jersey. Hasn’t Mark Seay been through enough?
2:45 P.M. Halftime! The Chargers are up 27-10. Someone drops their beer on Steve from behind him. It turns out to be Marlon McCree.
2:50 P.M. Steve heads to the spacious SoFi restrooms to clean himself up and take a leak. He notices some of his pubes have turned gray.
4:20 P.M. The Chargers go for it on their own 15-yard line, trailing 30-27 with 45 seconds to go. They are stuffed for no gain. Bears win.
9:00 P.M. Steve arrives back home. His wife and children are gone. There is a note from his wife saying she is leaving. Steve cries into his Mark Seay jersey, dissolving some of the seagull poop. At least something good happened to Mark Seay today.
TWO WEEKS LATER
Steve creeps into his wife’s Instagram and finds that she is dating a bald man in an Eagles jersey named Brick. She has a satisfied smile that no Charger fan could ever provide.
And there you have it, folks. Don’t become a Chargers fan, or your wife will leave you and a seagull will s*** on you. You’ve been warned.
Chargers win, 31-16.
*Top Photo: AP Photo/David Zalubowski
