Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, hero to children everywhere, the potentate of premonition, the icon of intuition, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today pleased that the Raiders finally won another game, despite the fact that my own perfect record was besmirched in the process. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good.
With the Raiders’ defense performing so well and the offense less potent than homeopathic medicine, one might rightly ask Josh McDaniels, “So what would you say you DO here?” And he will not be able to say, “I’m a people person! I work with people!” because he is an asshole and everyone hates him.
Fortunately for McDaniels, last week’s Packers game was the first in a stretch of winnable games for the Raiders, and win they did. Even the Great Beyond could not foresee what an abomination Jordan Love would be at quarterback. Up next is a team the Raiders beat last season, a team that may well never win again. In keeping with ancient tradition, I have asked the Great Beyond to share his thoughts about the Raiders game on Sunday. Here is the message I received:
Raiderdamus: The Great Beyond Speaks
“If I had haters, which I do not, it would be a time for them to gloat. Even the most pessimistic Packers fan did not see Jordan Love throwing three interceptions, two to stone-handed linebacker Robert Spillane and the third to the shortest man on the field. But that’s football, it will surprise you. So who you got this week? The Patriots? I got something to say, it’s better to burn out than fade away.
New England, and other things that are not real states
First of all, New England is not a state. It’s a region made up of Maine and five states that wish they were New York. It’s distasteful when pro sports teams name themselves after places that don’t exist, like the Golden State Warriors.
Golden State sounds like it should be a college in the WAC. Don’t miss Golden State University take on Gonzaga this Sunday on CBS! Or the Carolina Panthers. Which Carolina are you? Last I checked, there were two, plus East Carolina, Western Carolina and Coastal Carolina. Luckily the answer is it doesn’t matter, because all the Carolinas suck.
With the region being so confused about directions, it’s no surprise that a Carolina man, Earl M. Scruggs, was the first person to discover the West Pole in 1955. As it was in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Scruggs promptly drowned. Ironically, Scruggs was a proud graduate of Wake Forest.
There once was a young lady who went off to college in Boston. On winter break, she came home and, in tears, described to her parents the horrors she found there. “I can’t make any friends. Everyone there is a total idiot! All they want to do is get drunk and pee off the balcony.” Her parents, concerned, asked her, “What about the girls?” To which the student exclaimed, “Those are the girls!”
Boston, the Unhappiest Place on Earth
In the last few years, the attitude amongst Patriots fans has shifted in a negative direction. The main reason for this is that they still have to drive in Boston traffic without seeing anything along the way they can be proud of. Boston traffic is a lot like Los Angeles traffic, except it’s raining. The citizens of Boston are well known for their anger.
In 1770, they got so angry with British troops they started a fight, and in true Bostonian fashion they brought snowballs to a gunfight. This became known as the Boston Massacre, and a black sailor named Crispus Attucks died, not that any Bostonians missed him.
Later, those same Bostonians threw a bunch of tea into Boston Harbor. That tea had done nothing to them, but just like Bill Buckner it bore the brunt of their ire anyway.
When Bostonians get angry they do some very stupid things, and this time they started a war with the greatest world superpower of the time because it dared levy a tax on their favorite breakfast drink. This would be the equivalent of Kansas City going to war with the United States Government over a tax on anime body pillows, or Delaware rebelling over a tariff on Captain Crunch. Luckily for us, that particular revolution was a success, or else we’d all be speaking English today.
Not keen to repeat the mistakes of the British, our American government raises taxes incrementally so that we get used to them like a frog in a pot of hot water. But when the Crunchberries Act of 2048 gets passed, be sure to join the Army of Delaware.
Boston, like many other things, has become much worse since Tom Brady left. Michigan. New England. Tampa Bay. Bridget Moynahan. All in total shambles since Tom Brady moved on with his life. It’s pretty clear now that Tom Brady was the driving force for the Patriots’ dynasty of yore, and Brady got more head coaching jobs for absolute scrub head coaches whose chief skill was getting coffee for Bill Parcells than anyone in history.
Watching the Patriots now is like going to see Wham! and it’s just Andrew Ridgeley, because George Michael is dead. As bad as it is, Mac Jones didn’t expect to be 1-4 right now. He is just as surprised to see the Patriots’ record as he was to see Jakobi Meyers throw a ball to him in Las Vegas last year. Three months ago, when archaeologists finally extracted Jones from the geological strata beneath Allegiant Stadium’s field, Jones pledged to be a winner like he was at Alabama. But Jones can’t quite measure up to the standard set by Alabama greats Bart Starr, Joe Namath, Ken Stabler, Tua Tagovailoa or AJ McCarron.
The only pleasant part of this game for Mac Jones is that Chandler Jones will not be there, as Chandler has done to his own life and career exactly what he did to Mac Jones last year.
The Replacements
Josh McDaniels needs to be careful about this game. If he beats Bill Belichick and gets him fired, that makes Belichick a prime candidate to replace McDaniels with the Raiders next year. Perhaps Belichick will hire Bill Parcells as general manager, and then hire McDaniels to get Parcells coffee, which is all McDaniels is qualified to do in a football organization.
So, what’a the final prediction from Raiderdamus?
Raiders win, 20-16.
*Top Photo: Larry Brown Sports
