Raiders, Raiderdamus

Raiderdamus’ Saturday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Bears

Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.

Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the most potent of potables, the man nuttier than Rocky Road ice cream, and the World’s Most Professional Hater, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. Today I come to you in a state of malaise, because while the Raiders were successful in defeating the Patriots last Sunday, they will roll into Chicago with Brian Hoyer under center this week, with whom the Raiders offense scored a whopping six points in the second half against New England. Forgive me for not having my cup runneth over with confidence.

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Raiderdamus’ Week 7: Raiders vs. Bears

Josh McDaniels is the worst kind of dumbass, believing himself to be clever while everyone else is stupid. He claims Jimmy Garoppolo was sent to the hospital just to run some tests. Really, Josh? He went to the hospital, in an ambulance, in the middle of a football game he started. You may as well have stuck him in an oxcart and wheeled him to the hospital while shouting, “Bring out your dead!”

You’re not fooling anyone. There are medical facilities at the stadium. The only reasons Jimmy would need to be taken to the hospital are if he were pissing blood or if his spine fell out through his ass. And then McDaniels says they ‘dodged a bullet’ with Jimmy’s prognosis. The same bullet that hit everyone in Raider Nation when McDaniels was hired. Keep dodging bullets, Josh, you’re going to the Windy City this week, and something is getting fired, maybe you.

In keeping with ancient tradition, I have once again asked the Great Beyond for his thoughts regarding the Raiders’ upcoming game. Here is the message I received:

Raiderdamus Presents: Showcase of the Incompetents

“The Chicago Bears are like nu-metal. The last time they were good was 2006.

Sunday’s game in Chicago will be between two head coaches who bring so little to the table they’d be asked to leave a Baptist church potluck. In a just world, Matt Eberflus and Josh McDaniels will both be waiting tables at IHOP this time next year or doing something worthy of their ineffectual bloviating, like middle management at a software engineering firm. Anything but coaching football.

Both the Bears and Raiders need some cutting-edge, forward-thinking management who would not put up with the record of failure they currently have, but Mark Davis is too busy dancing like Elaine Benes at Aces games, and Bears owner Virginia McCaskey is literally 100 years old.

How Old Is She?

That is not a joke. She was born in 1923. It is currently 2023. Virginia McCaskey is so old that her social security number is 6. Wait, that might actually be true, because she was born 12 years before the Social Security Act was signed into law by Franklin D. Roosevelt. Virginia McCaskey predates Mickey Mouse and also predates Lou Gehrig joining the Yankees. She was born one year after the fall of the Ottoman Empire. She is so old; her birth certificate is written in Roman numerals. McCaskey worked at Burger King when it was still Burger Prince. She took her driving test on a triceratops. Her memories are in black and white.

And yet, Virginia McCaskey has lived these last 100 years without once seeing her beloved Chicago Bears have a quarterback throw for 4,000 yards in a single season. The Bears have existed since 1920, a mere 14 years after the legalization of the forward pass. The Bears were convinced the forward pass was a fad, like rock ‘n roll, hula hoops, and women voting, and decided to disregard it altogether.

Chicago’s all-time leading passer is Smokin’ Jay Cutler, with 23,443 yards in seven seasons as a Bear. Patrick Mahomes, whom the Bears could have drafted but passed on in favor of Mitch Trubisky, has 25,834 yards in his five and a half seasons as a full-time starter.

The Bears, Bringing Big Ten Football to the Masses

The Bears’ starter for this year is Justin Fields, who will attempt at some point in his career to be the most successful NFL quarterback out of Ohio State since Craig Krenzel. Fields is the latest in a long line of Buckeye alumni to be a disaster at QB, joining the likes of Dwayne Haskins (RIP), Cardale Jones, Art Schlichter, Braxton Miller, Terrelle Pryor, Joe Germaine, Troy Smith, and Bobby Hoying.

One can argue that Tom Tupa was the most successful Ohio State quarterback in the NFL because he had a tremendous career as a punter. Fields will also try to overcome the utter wasteland that is being a Bears quarterback, something the likes of Steve Walsh, Erik Kramer, Rick Mirer, Kyle Orton, Shane Matthews, Jim Miller, Cade McNown, and the aforementioned Trubisky could not do. The last time a Bears quarterback was on top of the league was when Sid Luckman managed to avoid being shipped off to fight Hitler.

In September of this year, a gang of thieves broke into Soldier Field and stole $100,000 worth of landscaping equipment, including John Deere tractors and lawnmowers. These did not belong to the Bears themselves, but to a contractor. This proves that, like all football fans, common criminals can look at the Bears organization and not find anything worthwhile. If these heinous miscreants are ever caught, their punishment should be season tickets to watch the Bears eight times a year.

Remember kids…

Stay on the straight and narrow, kids, or you could have to play for Matt Eberflus someday.

This week, the Bears will start the next in their long line of failures, Tyson Bagent. He went to a school called Shepherd in West Virginia, a school I’m not convinced actually exists, and has a name that sounds like he deals meth as close to a school zone as he is allowed to be. The Raiders will start Brian Hoyer, who sounds like a failed Ohio State quarterback but is actually a failed Michigan State quarterback.

Final Prediction From Raiderdamus…

The Bears make up for having a bad offense by also having a bad defense, so fans aren’t sure where to place the blame. Raiders fans know exactly who to blame. Everyone except Maxx Crosby.

Bears win, 16-13.

*Top Photo: Steve Flynn-USA TODAY Sports

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