Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man of the hour, the tower of power too sweet to be sour, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you elated, for it is a new day in Raider Nation, the new dawn of the Raider Way, in which we give a Stone Cold double middle finger salute to New England and return to the brand of violence and cheating we are known for. If we win, we win, and if we lose, we lose, but either way, we won’t be doing it under Tom Brady’s personal gimp.
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Raiderdamus in Week 9: Raiders take on Big Blue
The new old Raiders’ first victim will be visiting Las Vegas on Sunday and will face a fully operational battle star. To learn more about the outcome of this contest, I have once again asked the Great Beyond for his thoughts regarding Sunday’s game in Las Vegas. Here is the message I received:
“Ding dong, the witch is dead.
This week, the Raiders will take on Big Blue, who have made national headlines lately for having one of their staffers buy tickets to other teams’ games and steal their signs in order to gain an advantage. That’s just the sort of unapologetic and easily verifiable cheating that Al Davis would be proud of. It remains to be seen whether the NCAA will take action against… wait, no, that’s Michigan. The Raiders are playing the other Big Blue, the New York Giants.
The New York Giants have been around since 1885, when they were known as the New York Gothams. Their first taste of real success came in 1905, when pitcher Christy Mathewson won the pitching Triple Crown, leading baseball in wins, strikeouts, and ERA. He pitched a shutout in Game 1 of the 1905 World Series, and the Giants went on to beat the Philadelphia Athletics 4 games to 1. The Giants left for San Francisco following the 1957 season, and… wait, that’s the wrong New York Giants.
A history of greatness
The New York Football Giants were established in 1925 and were one of five teams that joined the NFL that year, of which they are the only one that still exists. They had plenty of success early on, capturing the NFL title in 1927 and again in 1934, 1938, and 1956. Their history is littered with Hall of Fame players such as center Mel Hein, quarterback Y.A. Tittle, linebacker Harry Carson, flight attendant appreciator Frank Gifford, and cocaine enthusiast Lawrence Taylor. The Giants kept John Elway from winning the Super Bowl in 1986 and Jim Kelly from winning it in 1990. With eight league championships to their credit, they are one of the most successful franchises in the history of professional football.
However, nobody really thinks about the Giants being historically great because they are just so damn boring. They have always played an awkward, plodding, trip over your own shoelaces style of offense and have relied on stifling defense to win championships. The best quarterback in team history, Phil Simms, is not in the Hall of Fame because the Giants have always been run-first, and Simms was the Kirk Cousins of his era. Simms’ Giants had team success because of Lawrence Taylor, who is what you would get if you mixed Myles Garrett and New Jack. Taylor was a madman who is best known for personally removing Joe Theismann’s leg from the rest of his body on national television.
Today’s Giants are a disaster…
Today’s New York Giants are a disaster, two years removed from winning a road playoff game in Minnesota. That game does not count because the Vikings are cursed, and when they are on the cusp of success, God Himself will intervene. A group of syphilitic wombats could defeat the Vikings if they were on the verge of winning a championship, because it is a fundamental law of the universe that the Vikings are not allowed to win anything important.
The Giants, in 2018, drafted Saquon Barkley second overall. Barkley is an exemplary player, one of the most talented in football, but the Giants desperately needed a quarterback, and they passed on Sam Darnold, Josh Allen, Josh Rosen, and Lamar Jackson to take Barkley. One can argue whether that was a wise choice, but one cannot argue that it led directly to them drafting Daniel Jones the following year and him playing just good enough and being just lucky enough to force the Giants to pay him. They did so, giving Jones a four-year, $160 million contract starting in 2023.
Barkley, despite his greatness, caused the Giants to pay $40 million per year to a guy who is the white Tyrod Taylor. When you ask a Giants fan if Daniel Jones is good, they may say “yes” “no” or “I don’t know”. Daniel Jones is Schroedinger’s quarterback. He is a good player until he is observed.
Raiderdamus: Daboll came to New York with a definite game plan…
One of the reasons we don’t know how good Jones actually is because of the Giants’ coaching hires. Jones began his career with Joe Judge as head coach, another Bill Belichick disciple who did exactly what you would expect a Bill Belichick disciple to do: fail miserably and look like a stupid hire.
And then he was replaced by Brian Daboll, who was the Bills’ offensive coordinator for four seasons and had plenty of success. Daboll came to New York with a definite game plan, which goes against the Giants’ longstanding tradition of winning games entirely by accident. This season, the only team averaging fewer points per game than the Raiders is Daboll’s Giants. Here are some facts about Brian Daboll:
Brian Daboll looks like every conservative guy’s Twitter photo.
He looks like a child’s drawing of a snowman—three perfect circles on top of each other.
Brian Daboll has not seen his feet since 2004 and looks like Taz ate the Big Show.
Brian Daboll is too large to shop at the Big and Tall store. He shops at “Damn!”
When Brian Daboll walks past you, dust falls from the ceiling.
Brian Daboll has the same number of necks as he has division titles: zero.
Brian Daboll’s blood type is marinara.
After an evening of love…
Once, after an evening of love, Brian Daboll’s wife rolled off of him twice and was still on top of him.
Brian Daboll’s ultimate ambition is to get rid of Daredevil and Spider-Man and rule the New York underworld with an iron fist.
Raiderdamus’ Monday Foretelling: Raiders vs. Lions, Week 8
The Raiders have a nasty habit of losing games they should win and barely winning games they should dominate. These Giants came within a hair of beating the Bills a few weeks ago, so they are no easy out. But Antonio Pierce is the kind of guy who makes you want to run through a wall for him, whereas I wouldn’t piss on Josh McDaniels if he were on fire. A motivated Raiders team should be able to handle Big Blue.
Raiders win, 24-19.
*Top Photo: Getty Images