Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive language and imagery, and due to its content, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man harder than a log, more mysterious than fog, whose momma made breakfast with no hog. Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful, I come to you today resigned to fate, having correctly predicted that the Raiders would lose to the Bears, knowing that a team that cannot defeat the Bears will spark no joy in their fans anytime soon. The Bears game was supposed to be winnable, but any game with Brian Hoyer starting at quarterback is eminently not winnable.
It’s clear this is a lost season, like so many Raiders seasons before it. One of the things about football is that you can usually tell how a team will do by judging their quarterback and head coach. The tandem of Jimmy Garoppolo and Josh McDaniels might be the most pathetic duo in the NFL, and yet Raiders fans had hope. I am here to tell you no. Stop that. Don’t hope any more. Don’t waste your energy. The team will be good when they prove to you that they are, and no sooner. Don’t imagine that things will turn around now that the defense is playing well—a defense that just gave up over 30 points to the Bears. Assume that everything will be crap forever, because it probably will.
Raiderdamus In Week 8: The Great Beyond Speaks
Raiders fans are not alone in their misery these last few decades. Our next opponent has fans that have had it even worse, if such a thing were possible. So, in keeping with ancient tradition, I have asked the Great Beyond for his thoughts regarding the Raiders’ next game on Monday night.
Here is the message I received:
“The Great Beyond doesn’t know what he’s talking about, is that it? The Raiders will beat the Bears easily, yes? Wrong. I knew better. And you all did too; you’re just in denial. If there’s one thing the Raiders know how to do, it’s travel east and look like a team that doesn’t know how to play football. But who you got this week? The Lions? The one team that makes the Raiders look successful…
I, the Great Beyond, hate one thing worse than all other things, and that thing is Ohio. I hate Columbus, I hate Cincinnati, and I hate Cleveland above all. Also, I hate their stupid weather, obnoxious people, and terrible food. I hate the inept ownership all their professional teams always have—the kind that fans from Ohio absolutely deserve. But even I will admit that the city of Cleveland has one thing and one thing going for it: it is not Detroit.
The West Coast, as lovely as it can be, is full of absolute sh*thole cities with massive drug problems and homeless issues, because property values and rent prices are so high that areas with nice weather are almost impossible to live in. Detroit has the opposite problem. Property values are next to nothing, and homes are dilapidated because nobody wants to own them or maintain them. Detroit is as close as America will ever get to North Korea.
Detroit used to be a marvelous city full of wealth and industry. People moved there from all around the country to get a job as an auto worker, and their trade union ensured those people were paid handsomely until they were all replaced by robots who don’t have a collective bargaining agreement. Those who were able to leave Detroit did so decades ago, moving away to nicer places and leaving Detroit to rot in its own hubris.
Movies set in Detroit are always dystopian. There’s Robocop, wherein a robotic police officer cleans up Detroit’s worst precinct by shooting as many people as he can. Exit Wounds, where Steven Segal and DMX clean up Detroit’s worst precinct by shooting as many people as they can. 8 Mile, where Eminem doesn’t bother cleaning up Detroit’s worst precinct but moves to California instead. Hoffa, where Jimmy Hoffa is murdered because he was Jimmy Hoffa, and his life was never going to end any other way.
Raiderdamus: Detroit, Motown, and Kid Rock
Detroit has also been the cradle of many musicians. Motown Records churned out hit after hit about what it’s like to be a black teenager. Bob Seger made a career out of singing songs about what it’s like to be a white teenager. Ted Nugent made a career out of singing songs about what it’s like to be a pervert and left Michigan after he had successfully hunted every wild animal in the state. The White Stripes made a career out of having a weird relationship with your ex-wife. Kid Rock made a career out of writing songs about being from Detroit, even though he is not.
All this and more has conditioned the people of Detroit to embrace mediocrity with the same fervor that BMW drivers embrace not using their turn signals. The same dogged determination allowed the major auto manufacturers to build factories in Mexico to avoid paying Detroit’s workers. The kind of unreasonable love that leads a fanbase to root for a team that has not won a championship since 1957, has never been to a Super Bowl, and is owned by a family whose patriarch was a virulent racist who would rather the United States fought for the opposing side during World War 2.
The Lions could only ever exist in Detroit, except when they did not, and were the Portsmouth Spartans from 1928 to 1934. Portsmouth is in Ohio, which explains the mostly lifeless history of the Lions.
A Thanksgiving Tradition
The Lions began playing on Thanksgiving Day each season, starting in 1934, their first season in Detroit. Not only does this give them a chance to appear on national television and lose to the Packers when they might otherwise never do so in front of such a large audience, it also gives each uncle and grandfather in America a chance to take a nap before the Cowboys game begins. Most of America is reminded of the one thing they can be thankful for that they have in common, and that is that they are not Lions fans. Residents of Detroit have only one thing to be thankful for: that they do not live in Gary, Indiana.
The Lions have worked long and hard to be the worst football team in the NFL. They hired Matt Millen to be their GM, and he was possibly the worst GM of all time. They hired Matt Patricia to be their coach, and he may be the worst coach of all time. Josh McDaniels has one redeeming quality, and it’s that he is not Matt Patricia. McDaniels is not even the worst coach in the history of the Raiders.
The Lions have been so historically inept that they wasted the entire careers of generational talents like Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson. Matt Stafford left Detroit and immediately won a Super Bowl, and the Detroiters pretended they won something too. Nope, you’re still Lions fans; you have won nothing except wistful envy.
Prediction From Raiderdamus: Raiders vs. Lions
Fortunately for the Lions, they have begun to turn things around. They ended last season with the most moral of moral victories, a defeat of the Packers, which did not get them into the playoffs but felt good anyway. This season began with a defeat by the Chiefs, which we can all applaud. They run their division, with the three other teams in relative shambles. Detroit looks to be a shoo-in for the playoffs, which probably means they will choke and go 9-8 and miss the postseason again while Kirk Cousins loses another first-round game at home to the Cowboys.
This week, though, the Lions will keep on getting their fans’ hopes up.
Lions win, 37-16.
*Top Photo: Detroit Free Press