Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. Due to its content, nobody should read it because it might contain offensive language and imagery.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man with more roasts than a Betty Crocker cookbook, the man who puts the funk in dysfunction, and the world’s most offensive lineman, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. Today I come to you groggy, as the excess tryptophan from my Thanksgiving dinner still has me in a stupor. I know what game is next on the Raiders’ schedule, and I feel like I should just go back to sleep.
Raiderdamus’ Sunday Foretelling: Chiefs vs. Raiders, Week 12
Nevertheless, I have a job to do, and once again, I have asked the Great Beyond for his thoughts regarding the Raiders’ upcoming game on Sunday. Here is the message I received:
“There is something incredibly infuriating about disliking the Chiefs with every fiber of one’s being, but still feeling compelled to defend Travis Kelce’s fame to people who thought he was a nobody before he started dating Taylor Swift. The Chiefs now have two players who make them relevant to people who don’t care about football. The sort of people who only know Portugal is a country because Cristiano Ronaldo is from there. They are the kind of people who only know wrestling because of Hulk Hogan.
In nerd terms, these people are called “filthy casuals,” and in regular life, they are called “Taylor Swift fans.” And then I laugh because they are Kansas City’s problem now, and when Swift and Kelce break up and she has someone else write a scathing song about how many times the Chiefs have lost to the Colts over the past 30 years, it will suck all the fun out of being a Chiefs fan forever. Being a Chiefs fan started to be fun in 2017, and it will stop the moment “You Lost To Andrew Luck After Being Up By 28 Points in 2014” is Track 1 on Taylor’s next album. Taylor Swift is so rich now that she could easily buy the Chiefs and force them to trade Kelce to the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.
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Every generation’s teenagers have a certain hairstyle that the generation preceding them thinks is stupid. The 1950’s had greaser Elvis pompadours. The 1960s had long-haired hippies. The 1980s had the Flock of Seagulls. The 90’s had bowl cuts parted down the middle like Nick from the Backstreet Boys. The 2000s had various emo scene nonsense cuts straight out of a My Chemical Romance video. And now we have the Junior Asparagus Janelle Monae shaved sides with curly top horsesh*t hairdo, and I call it the Mahomes.
Every annoying, talentless Soundcloud rapper has this cut, and Mahomes shows it off proudly in his State Farm commercials, which would be funny if not for his insufferable Kermit the Frog voice and punchable face. He looks like he should be sitting under a tree on a college campus with an acoustic guitar, singing Wonderwall to some mildly attractive women.
Patrick Mahomes is to football what beauty magazines are for young women. They set an impossible standard. Kids today will go on YouTube and look up Mahomes highlights and see him doing things that no reasonable human would ever think to do, and then they go to watch a real game on TV and it’s some garbage like Bears vs. Jets, and they lose interest in football. Go watch a highlight reel of the Best Soccer Goals, and then go watch an actual soccer game, and you’ll see what I mean.
If you condense a soccer game from its normal 90 minutes to the 45 seconds in the game where anything of interest happens, then it would be watchable. Bears vs. Jets is only 60 minutes, but it feels like 90.
Mahomes is the most watchable player in football, especially this year when he looks utterly poleaxed each time his receivers drop a pass. His “That wasn’t supposed to happen” expression every time a pass is incomplete will never get old. It will be even funnier when Kelce gets distracted by Jessica Simps—I mean, Taylor Swift—in the playoffs and drops a crucial third-down pass. The funniest thing will be if it happens against the Colts.
Kelce has a degree in interdisciplinary studies from the University of Cincinnati, which is a made-up degree they give people who didn’t come to play school. Kelce is big and can catch a football, and so nobody in the state of Ohio had anything else important to teach him. He may as well have gone to DeVry or one of those colleges Sally Struthers did commercials for. Here are some of the exciting careers a degree in interdisciplinary studies qualifies you to perform:
- Underwater Basket Weaving
- Dog Sitting
- Adult Film Fluffer
- Fast Food Delivery
- Amateur Submarine Captain
- Twitter Owner
- Vlogger
- Reddit Admin
- School Board Book Ban Enforcer
- New York Mets General Manager
- Maricopa County Sheriff
- Tight End
- San Diego Weatherman
- San Diego Chicken
- Tinder Bot Programmer
Kelce, of course, chose Tight End, and he’s been richly rewarded for doing so. Except for the past three games, when the Chiefs have scored a grand total of zero points in the second half of all three games combined. Kelce has been as useless as the nipples on Batman’s costume. Kelce has more of this uselessness to look forward to because he keeps getting older, but the pretty young things Taylor Swift dates stay the same age.
Chiefs win, 27-16.
*Top Photo: Icon Sports Wire via Getty Image
Maxx Crosby “Determined to face Patrick Mahomes and Chiefs” despite listed as doubtful
