Raiderdamus disclaimer: The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. Readers should avoid this work due to its offensive language, imagery, and content.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the man always writing great and staying hot like Christina Applegate, so look up to me like I’m Sistine Chapel paint, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. What a glorious Christmas it was last week as the Raiders went to Kansas City, took the Chiefs’ lunch money, stuffed them in a locker, and left the Chiefs in worse shape than a Missouri trailer park after an F5 tornado. Never have the Chiefs looked more bitch-made than after that game, which went off the air with a lingering still image of an upset Taylor Swift as the Chiefs tried to claim that they gave the game away. Even national media outlets came out with “What’s wrong with the Chiefs?” pieces instead of “Why are the Raiders so good?” If the Raiders didn’t get disrespected, they’d get no respect at all.
What’s wrong with the Chiefs is simple. As Mike Tyson famously said, “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.” Antonio Pierce said they were going to punch Kansas City in the face. Jack Jones said they were going to shut down the magician, referring to Patrick Mahomes. And the Raiders proceeded to go out and do exactly what they said they were gonna goddamn well do, and the media reacted with Shocked Pikachu Face.
Well, I ain’t shocked, brothers and sisters. I never believed a word that slimy sack of s*** Josh McDaniels said, but I believe Antonio Pierce. When he says they are going to hit someone, I take that as gospel. I am pleased to finally be watching a Raiders team intent on doing some violence. And I am equally pleased to see the Chiefs fall apart like a stack of Jenga blocks when violence is done upon them. I hereby call for more violence.
Now on to the next victim. We have more work to do. In keeping with tradition, I have asked our friend the Great Beyond his thoughts on Sunday’s game, and here is the message I received:
“What a game on Christmas! The last time the Chiefs got beaten that badly, Andrew Jackson forced them to march to Oklahoma. Who you got next? The Colts? One wonders what kind of banner they will hang in Lucas Oil Stadium for finishing ninth in the AFC. “2023 Regular Season Participants” in big white letters sounds like their speed. Lucas Oil Stadium replaced the RCA Dome as home of the Colts, despite the fact that nobody would ever want to record a Colts game.
The Colts love to act like they’re important, when in reality they’re just the Denver Broncos’ AAA team. Indiana has no reason to exist at all, and the only reason God put it there was to keep Ohio from breaking containment and expanding west. Indianapolis, which is a combination of the words “Indiana,” meaning “Indian land,” and “polis,” which is Greek for “city,” was chosen as the capital of Indiana not because it was a big city or culturally important, but rather because it was located in the center of the state. I would tell you more facts about Indianapolis, but each one is whiter and more boring than the last.
Indiana is known as the Crossroads of America because if you find yourself there, you are on the way to someplace far more interesting. There’s Peyton Manning, for instance, who refused a one-day contract to retire as a Colt and still lives in Denver. Take Larry Bird, who won many NBA championships because he wasn’t playing for the Pacers. Or, take Bobby Knight, who departed Indiana in favor of the paradise known as Lubbock, Texas. Take Andrew Luck, who cannot leave Indiana because every time he takes a walk, he forgets where he lives, and the policemen just take him back home to his family.
I need no further proof that the Colts are monsters than Andrew Luck. That poor sonofabitch is 34 years old. He should be in the prime of his career right now, or even a year or two from now, competing for Super Bowls. Instead, he had to retire to save himself from the Colts before he had the cognitive function of a pineapple and the body control of Michael J. Fox. Luck was thrown to the wolves for years without adequate protection. The only quarterback with less protection than Luck is Philip Rivers and his 29 children. Andrew Luck’s line always let him down, which is strange because nobody in football knows more about lines than Colts owner Jim Irsay.
No Colts fan should think they can draft their way out of being what they are. They drafted Jonathan Taylor and paid him millions, and he still hates them. I wouldn’t be surprised if he took one snap on Sunday, hit Gardner Minshew with a steel chair, took off his Colts jersey, revealing an NWO shirt underneath, and played the rest of the game for the Raiders. The Colts drafted future Bronco Anthony Richardson in the first round in April, and he got hurt almost immediately.
The Colts had the top two picks in the 1991 draft and took Steve Emtman and Quentin Coryatt. Mel Kiper is famous because, in 1994, he went on a diatribe about how much the Colts sucked at drafting. Colts GM Bill Tobin took exception, but Kiper was right. The Colts stink at drafting, at player development, at hiring competent coaches, and at everything pertaining to running and operating a football team. They are the reason the Jets won a Super Bowl and the reason the Chargers ever went to one.
Every Colts fan would be better off if they treated the Colts like the Colts treated Baltimore and just left in the middle of the night for another city. The Colts do not have fake industry plant fans like the Chargers do because there is no amount of money in the world that would make anyone excited to be watching the Colts play.
Patrick Mahomes ran over 1000 yards on Monday and gained a whopping 85 yards rushing while trying to evade the Raiders’ pass rush. Gardner Minshew probably hasn’t run 1000 yards in his entire life, and if he faces the same amount of pressure Mahomes faced, his best course of action is to find the most obnoxiously dressed person in the sixth row and throw the ball as hard as he can directly to them. This fan will likely have a blue face, but whether that’s from face paint or from choking on a chicken wing is anyone’s guess.
Minshew will have more turnovers than IHOP and take more sacks than a New Orleans levee during hurricane season. The Raiders have not lost to Denver since 2019 and are used to beating dead horses. When this game is over, Lucas Oil Stadium will have a new name: The Glue Factory.
Raiders win, 24-13.
*Top Photo: Kyle Terada, USA TODAY Sports
