Raiders That Would’ve Killed In These Acting Roles

The content of this article comes from the ambdubious mind of A.J. DeMello and is for entertainment and comedy purposes.

Marcus Allen as Problem Child

This is fun:

Picture Al Davis asking Marcus Allen to bring him his pills. Then picture Marcus…running away with them.

Mike Shanahan as The Pest

I think this one goes without saying.

JaMarcus Russell stars as The Nutty Professor

He’s no amazing scientist. He just has a serious addiction to sizzurp.

John Madden as Fred Flinstone

Except he’d only say, ‘Yabbadabbadoo’ whenever the Snake started a game sober.

Robert Gallery as the paper house in The Three Little Pigs

You barely had to huff and puff.

Marquette King as Mrs. Doubtfire

They’re not even his kids – he just wants the attention.

Al Davis stars as B-Rabbit in 8 Mile

“My drive is persistent. I’d rather be right than consistent..”

Ok, that one was a bit of a stretch.

Bill Romanowski stars as Coach Bombay in The Mighty Ducks

“Goldberg…Put. The. Donut. DOWN!!!”

Ken Stabler as The Dude

“Mind if I do a J? Don’t worry, we’ll save the other half for halftime, man.”

Jon Gruden as the alien nut in Independence Day

Can you not see Jon Gruden taking Randy Quaid’s place as the alien-abductee turned crop duster? He’s the perfect kind of crazy.

“These aliens are wild, man. I tried to tell ya about em’ after Nam, but you don’t listen to beautiful motherf****rs like me. Every day I’m up at 3AM watching film on E.T., trying to figure out if I should just lace some M’M’s’ with poison or pull out the spider and go crazy with the banana…

“And on a, uh, personal note, I’d like to just add that ever since those earth fondlers took me up in their ship years ago, I’ve been dying for some payback. Anything that will stop me from drawing up Hail Mary’s on a UFO-shaped chalkboard, man. There’s really not a lot of film on these guys. I will admit, I dig the tin foil hat. Ain’t nobody else wearing that silver with black…”


•Al Davis as the Dad in Meet The Parents

•Phil Villapiano stars as The Kindergarten Cop

•Darren McFadden as Mr. Glass

•Tom Cable as Popeye

•Aldon Smith as The Fugitive

•Bill Callahan & the 2003 Raiders star as Dumb & Dumber

•Jon Gruden as Dr. Frankenstein

•Amy Trask as Fury in Mad Max

For more of A.J.’s humor check out and follow A.J. on Twitter @humorousfiend

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1 thought on “Raiders That Would’ve Killed In These Acting Roles”

  1. need to find roles for Tooz and DT Terdell Sands. Sands was signed to a huge contract by Al Davis in the mid 2000s even though he wasn’t a full time starter, he looked so damn frightening. He was listed at 6-7 340 but looked much bigger, when he spread his arms it looked like he could strangle the whole earth in his chest. He’d work fine in any giant monster role

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