The content of this article comes from comedian A.J. DeMello and is for entertainment and comedy purposes. Since it’s the holiday season, I decided to help compose a list of what Raider Nation wants for Christmas…
Starting with myself; All I want for Christmas is for Tom Cable to be punched whenever Derek Carr takes a sack.
I’d also love for the Raiders to stay in the Bay Area however they can before moving to Vegas. Santa, Jesus, Allah…whoever is available – please make this happen.
If Mark Davis could start a blog about hair conditioning, that’d be pretty sweet as well.
Raider Nation: All We Want For Christmas Is…
Here are some other X-Mas Raider wishes from Raider Nation:
“All I want is for X-Mas is for the charges to be dropped.”
– @thewhitetiger
“Dear Gruden Santa,
I’ve been a good fan this year, but most importantly I’ve been patient. All I ask for next year is a winning record & 3 elite first rounders. Ho Ho Ho.”
– @hiSEAN808
“Dear fat man in sash, please give Libby Schaaf diarrhea for a looong time.”
– @bullbabybull
“Hey Santa, you think you could move the Raiders to Fresno? I’m only an hour away & the “Homeless Raiders” doesn’t have a very nice ring to it. Or at least bring us some franchise stability. I’m tired of my wife waking me up in the middle of the night because I’m sobbing.”
– @RAIDERCODY_
I’d argue that the “Homeless Raiders” would make one hell of a team rap vid like they did in the 80’s with Howie Long.
“All I want for x-mas is some Khalil Mack closure and a draft full of starters. Oh also if I could get a linebacker that would be sweet too, if its in the budget.”
– @sikOsimmons
“All I want is for Chucky to discover a trade value chart & for Mark Davis to get his nipples pierced. The city of Oakland wants blood? I say give it to them.”
– @notmichaellombardi
“All I want for Christmas is 5 healthy linemen, 4 Superbowl rings, 3 100yd rushers, 2 wide receivers and that mvp caliber qb.”
– @AngriaTrask
I agree. If a team with 3 wins could somehow win the Super Bowl, it’d be Jon Gruden’s Raiders. Move into the Georgia dome and act like you’re a huge underdog for a game you’re not even a part of.
“All I want for Christmas is the Raiders personnel department to have some teeth. The Raiders are now the Land Of Gru and he’s gonna need some quality minions.”
– @JackAsspuria
I hear Scott McCloughan has some mighty chompers…
“All I want for Christmas for someone to hire an exterminator to remove the rodent living on Mark Davis’ head.”
– @markywaters
“All I Want for Christmas Is some OG Kush a Sublime cartridge Green Goddess. And to draft Nick Bosa.”
– @CainMt6
“All I Want for Christmas is for the Raiders to treat Johnny Townsend like the kid from Home Alone and leave him behind when they travel.”
– @ozzy456
“All I want for Christmas is for the coaches to make Townsend wear water wings after every punt. Every punt is a failure, and so does he. Or ya know what? Have Gruden high-five him on the field after a good punt, then whisper to him that he’s being cut.”
– @puntersarentpeopletoo
I really really love that one!
“All I want is for the Raiders to get a play-by-play announcer who doesn’t sound like he’s narrating a bowel movement.”
– @therealgregpapa
“All I want for christmas is for Derek Carr to throw 12 touchdowns tonight.”
– @r8erwitnesss
“All I want for X-Mas is for the Raiders to beat the donkeys and for my wife to let me back in the house again.”
– @gargoylemantitties
I’m praying for you, man titties.
“All I want is for Jon Gruden to make sure he gets at least two play-makers on defense in the first round. And a linebacker before the 12th round would be nice!”
– @realistRaid444
“All I want for Christmas is for Mark Davis to get a silver & Black pez dispenser full of viagra. For Christ sakes, somebody love this man!”
– @raiduhs456
“All I want for Christmas is for the Raiders not to be on the back of my milk carton next year.”
– @frankie96
All good asks, but can Gruden and company deliver?
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For more of A.J.’s humor follow him on twitter@humorousfiend