This Thanksgiving, the Las Vegas Raiders have yet another opportunity to ruin a holiday. Let’s dull the pain a bit. All the rules are in bold for those of you that hate reading.
*Disclaimer: This is meant to be a fun satirical piece. Following every rule in this piece verbatim is probably not safe. Please drink responsibly and do not drink and drive this holiday.
Sipping Rules
Just some frequent occurrences during the game. Take a drink when they come up.
Darren Waller’s and Maxx Crosby’s Sobriety
Oh, the irony. The broadcasters have beaten this to death. Yes, getting and staying sober is hard. So, because you’re not Waller/Crosby, take a drink every time it gets brought up.
Romo’s Right
He’s always right. So this rule might be dangerous. Drink every time Tony Romo correctly guesses the play before the ball is snapped. The best part of this game is the fact that we get the Nance/Romo combo. We’ll have another Romo rule later.
Owner’s Box
Mark Davis and Jerry Jones are two of the more well-known owners in the league. Both are often the but of jokes. The cameras love to pan to them, and broadcasters love to talk about them. Take a drink every time the camera cuts to either of them. Also, take another drink if they mention Davis’ haircut or “Jerruh” meddling with the team.
Cast-off’s
There Raiders have sure had their share of distractions. Most of them are gone but still discussed incessantly. Take a drink every time the broadcasters mention Jon Gruden, Henry Ruggs, or Damon Arnette.
We Are!
Most of Raider Nation won’t care about this, but as a Pennsylvania guy, I do. This matchup has two former great great Penn State defenders in Carl Nassib and Micah Parsons. Every time Nassib or Parsons makes a big play shout “We are!” And take a drink. Also, if anyone shouts “Penn State!” Back, cheers, and take another drink.
Heavier Drinking Rules
If the above rules aren’t enough, you may either have a problem, an intolerable family, or both. No judgement here, but be careful because these rules involve some chugging.
Third and Renfrow
Hunter Renfrow has become much more important to the offense than just moving the chains. Still, it’s a gun trope for the broadcasters. Every time they say “third and Renfrow, ” count how many yards the Raiders need for a first down, and then drink for that many seconds.
Eeeeehhhh
“I’m not so sure about that one Jim!” We couldn’t just have one Romo rule. Every time Romo agonizes over a call, time whatever “eehh,” “mmmm,” or “oooh” sound he makes, and then drink for however long he holds the sound for. If you aren’t sure how long, make it five seconds.
Thanksgiving Traditions
Another thing the broadcasters love to do on this day, is refer back to when John Madden used to be a staple of Thanksgiving football. Madden was known for his appetite, and later in his broadcasting career, he introduced the world to a poultry Frankenstein known as “Turducken.” This always a fun thing for the networks to talk about, especially if there’s a lull in the action, or the game is a snooze fest. Now, because this is a CBS broadcast and Fox might somehow own the rights to this folklore, this rule might not be applicable. If Madden or Turducken are mentioned, drink for five seconds. If you hear both, finish your drink.
Amari Cooper
The former Raiders receiver might not get mentioned much since the Cowboys have him on the COVID-19 list. However, someone will still likely find an opportunity to bring up the Cooper trade. If they do, finish your drink.
Hope you have fun with this. Maybe pick and choose a handful of these rules to be safe. Happy Thanksgiving!
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*Top Photo: Jose Carlos Fajardo/Bay Area News Group