The following is a work of humor and satire about the Las Vegas Raiders. It may contain offensive content and imagery and as a result, it should not be read by anyone.
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the funk in dysfunction, the man for whom there is no ‘OFF’ position on the Genius Switch, and the World’s Freshest Man, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. It’s been a long week for the Raiders and their fans, who, like fans of Cyberpunk 2077, were looking forward to a shiny new product only to find themselves bogged down in a broken, untenable mess. We can only hope that the Raiders have patched some things up over the past week and will actually be watchable at home.
Raidermus Friday Foretelling: Week 2
Even after such a disheartening loss, Raiderdamus is still going to do his job, unlike Nathaniel Hackett, whose last name is a perfect explanation of how he’s handled being the Broncos coach so far, and whose middle name ought to be “Can’t”. Because I, unlike the Broncos, am a professional, I bring to you once again the words of the Great Beyond.
“I think we, and the Raiders themselves, should try to forget Week 1 ever happened. Derek Carr displayed his gunslinger mentality, meaning sometimes he makes great plays, sometimes he throws picks, and sometimes he funnels public welfare money into a college volleyball stadium. It just goes with the territory of having such a fearless guy at the helm who can’t see anything because he has more eyeliner than the front row at a My Chemical Romance concert.
So who do you have this week? The Cardinals? How much are the Raiders paying them to come to play a game against a D1 team? If Scott Frost had scheduled the Cardinals instead of Georgia Southern, he’d still be employed at Nebraska today. The Cardinals are a lot like Chiefs fans—when the adult website asks them when they were born, they say 1898, and they peaked in 2009 and haven’t come out of the basement since then. Arizona in the Super Bowl against Pittsburgh had the worst choke job seen on television since Joffrey Baratheon’s wedding. The Cardinals’ last championship was in 1947, and football was first televised in 1948, so nobody has ever watched the Cardinals win a title on television.
If you smell what the Great Beyond is cooking…
The Cardinals are such a decrepit, pathetic franchise that given a choice between the wasteland of Afghanistan and making millions to play for the Cardinals, honorable American hero Pat Tillman chose Afghanistan. Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray plays a ton of Call of Duty, trying to virtually do all the things Tillman actually did. I don’t fault Murray for staying indoors and having fun, because the greater Phoenix area is populated with many current and former Arizona State students, and the last thing Murray needs is a Warzone in his urinary tract if you smell what the Great Beyond is cooking.
Still, if the Raiders want to ensure victory on Sunday, they’ll convince Activision to make this a Double XP weekend. Murray plays games as a soldier because he isn’t tall enough to join the actual military. Murray is the perfect quarterback for the Cardinals because he’s really just a baseball player who was drafted by the Oakland A’s, and just like the A’s, the Cardinals don’t play any meaningful games after mid-September. Kyler has plenty of heroes, but he really looks up to Kevin Hart, even though he needs a stepstool to do so.
Murray’s contract stipulation regarding studying film was surely leaked by his agent trying to make the Cardinals look stupid, but it kind of backfired because everyone already knew they were stupid. We also knew Murray was a prick, except now we know he’s the kind of prick who yells on Xbox Live about how he had sex with your mom and substitutes his kill/death ratio for a personality.
Arizona is led by Great Value Sean McVay, Kliff Kingsbury, a man who looks like he should be selling Cutco knives out of the back of a Honda Civic. He is a man so pretentious that he spells Cliff with a K and thinks he can win in Arizona when so many before him have failed, in a stadium that was designed to look like a barrel cactus but instead just looks like a UFO.
Arizona is barely a state and there are no farms there…
This stadium is named State Farm Stadium, which is ironic because Arizona is barely a state and there are no farms there, only sand and predatory air conditioning repairmen and metal seatbelts that will sear your skin when you touch them. It is better than the old name, University of Phoenix Stadium, named after a scam online college that will take your money and give you nothing of value, just like tickets to a Cardinals game. The Cardinals are 124 years old and have a playoff record of 7-10, which incidentally will be their record this season as well.
These Cardinals are a difficult team to be a fan of. They have very few native fans because Phoenix is populated by college students and old people who can’t take the northern cold in the winter because it aggravates their arthritis and gout. They have the ignominy of having two of the most iconic plays in Super Bowl history go against them. If you search for the term “Cardinals”, you will probably find the St. Louis baseball team, or Louisville, or the Stanford Cardinal, which doesn’t even have an S on the end, but Google doesn’t care, because only 50 people search for the Arizona Cardinals every year, and those people are trying to sell tickets to 49ers fans on Stubhub. The Cardinals are a professional sports franchise in the same way that Shaquille O’Neal is Irish.
To make matters worse for the Cards…
To make matters worse for the Cards, they will be without star receiver DeAndre Hopkins for this game and several thereafter. I can’t blame Hopkins for his absence, because I think most people would rather take drugs than play for the Cardinals. Arizona’s main offensive weapons will be Hollywood Brown, a man brought in by the Cardinals to make Kyler Murray feel tall, and Zach Ertz, whose last name is the sound you make when you get hit in the nuts. It’s also the sound Murray will make when Chandler Jones and Maxx Crosby sandwich sack him in the third quarter. We’ll see that the Cardinals’ uniforms are that color just to hide the blood.
Raiders win, 26-20.”